Trick ‘r Treat, Michael Dougherty set out to give rise to a bonafide Halloween mascot, and he did just that with the pumpkin-headed, childlike demon named Sam.
Santa Claus and Krampus rolled into one adorable little package, Sam is essentially the protector of Halloween, punishing all who disrespect and just generally sour the fun of the historic holiday. And isn’t that what we love about him?
Officially announced around this time last year was an impending sequel to my personal favorite Halloween horror film, and though we haven’t heard a peep about the project in some time, it’s hard not to be excited about the continuing adventures of the pint-sized creature in the orange onesie.
We can be pretty sure that Sam will once again be dishing out sweet Halloween justice in
Trick ‘r Treat 2, punishing the naughty with a whole lot more than coal in their candy pail. And honestly, my smile is lighting up with jack-o’-lantern glee just thinking about it.
To tide you over until we have more news to report about the sequel, let’s have a little
Trick ‘r Treat-inspired fun. Here are 10 people I’d love to see Sam kill in Trick ‘r Treat 2!
10 People Sam Should Kill in Trick 'r Treat 2
THE HOMEOWNER WHO'S CLEARLY HOME ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT, BUT PRETENDS HE'S NOT
Look, I totally get it. The older you become, the more annoying Halloween gets. All you want is peace and quiet, but those damn kids won't stop knocking on the door and ringing the doorbell every 35 seconds. It can be a pain, especially when the years have diminished your walking and getting up from the chair skills. But Halloween is not about you, Ebenezer. It's about the kids. So get the hell off your favorite recliner, turn on your porch light and stop pretending you're not home. We all know you're home. We can see the light of your TV dancing around through the curtains. So just stop it. Remember what it was like to be a kid, for one miserable night, and hand out some goddamn candy.
THE ASSHOLE WHO TAKES 'MORE THAN ONE'
If you truly aren't going to be home on Halloween night, it's best to leave one of those 'Please take one' bowls of candy on your doorstep, this way young trick or treaters won't be wasting their time when they walk up your driveway - after all, time is candy on Halloween. Unfortunately, it's almost a guarantee that at least one chubby little mongoloid will feel the need to be a badass and break the sign's rule, stuffing his mother's dirty pillowcase with way more than just one piece of candy. The joke is of course on him, once his teeth start rotting out, his favorite pair of jeans no longer fit and he goes into a diabetic coma, but he's nevertheless a little Grinch and he deserves to be punished. Follow the rules, kids. It'll take you a long way in life.
THE PARENT WHO DRIVES THEIR KID HOUSE TO HOUSE ON HALLOWEEN NIGHT
For kids - and I know this because I used to be one - the fun of Halloween is walking around your neighborhood and knocking on the doors of spooky-looking houses that are off limits the rest of the year, and it's as much about the experience as it is the candy haul. That's why it always bums me out to see parents driving their kids house to house, in the pursuit of their Halloween precious. I totally understand that the world is pretty damn cruel, which makes it hard to be okay with letting your kids walk around town unsupervised, but the simple solution is walking house to house with them. You're lazy, and that's fine, but don't suck the joy out of Halloween because you can't be bothered to do some walking. Besides, you could use a little exercise anyway, to walk off all those sweets you're going to be pilfering from your kid's stash during the annual 'candy check.' Yea. I'm onto you.
THE OLD PERSON WHO GIVES PENNIES TO TRICK OR TREATERS
It's almost hard to be mad at anyone who hands you free money, isn't it? But if there's ever a time where little bars of chocolate are worth more than actual currency, it's on Halloween night. The very idea of Halloween is that you go door to door in search of candy, and there's nothing quite like dumping out that treat pail onto your bed and drooling over your impressive haul. The last thing you want to see sitting there amongst all your candy is a shiny penny, sticking out like a sore thumb and making you wonder whose house you should avoid next year. Ironically enough, handing out pennies on Halloween is totally the cheap way out. Spend a little extra on a few bags of candy and save your pennies for that dirty guy slumped over on the sidewalk. He'll appreciate it. Trust me.
THE TEENAGER WHO WEARS A 'THIS IS MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME' T-SHIRT
Nothing chaps my ass more on Halloween night than seeing someone walk up my driveway with no costume on. Worse yet is the pompous little shit wearing one of those 'This is my Halloween costume' shirts, intent on tricking me into thinking he's wearing one. Sorry kid, but your attempted trick is always going to result in no treats. Halloween is a give and take sort of holiday, and if you're not putting forth the effort to actually dress up as someone/something other than your entitled self, then you're simply not getting any candy. A dollar store hockey mask will do, so there's truly no excuse to disrupt the trick or treater/homeowner relationship. It's charming when Tiny Firefly wears one of those shirts. It's not charming when you do.
EGGERS. ALL OF THEM.
If there's any Halloween tradition that needs to be excised from the Halloween tradition handbook it's the destructive act of egging, where those who are too old to trick or treat head out with a few cartons of eggs and chuck them at houses and sometimes even children. I'll never forget the year that I first came across these fabled eggers on Halloween night, who proceeded to decorate the costumes of my friends and I with sticky, slimy yolk. The vicious assault marked the end of my days as a trick or treater, and unfortunately bastards like the ones who got me are likely the reason many parents drive their kids around on Halloween. It's not cool to assault people or their property, not on Halloween and not on any other night. Sic 'em, Sam.
I've always been the kind of person who goes all out to make my house exciting for trick or treaters, decorating outside and essentially turning the front yard into a mini Halloween haunt. It started at my parents' house, where I decorated with my dad, and continued with my wife, when we get our own place. Unfortunately, the fun came to an end a few years back, when some dirtbag kid stole one of our prized possessions - a life-size rubber mummy, which had been a childhood relic that I quite frankly cherished. Ever since that Halloween, my wife and I have ceased decorating outside for any holiday, and it admittedly sucks a lot of the fun out of the season. It's just not worth it, and I hate that one bad apple can spoil your whole holiday. Please track down all decoration thieves and stick sharp lollipops into their throats, Sam. Please.
THE GUY AT THE HAUNTED HOUSE WHO TRIES TO IMPRESS HIS GIRLFRIEND BY NOT BEING SCARED
It seems that every time I go to one of those haunted attractions that pop up in my area come October, I'm either stuck behind or in front of the world's douchiest man, who feels the need to make fun of everything in the place and prove to his significant other - and everyone else within earshot - that he is man, and man not scared. It's hard to have fun at a haunted house when someone in your assigned group is acting like a total tool, and when you're spending $25 to be scared, alpha male has the ability to really mess up your night. I don't care if you're Wyatt Earp or Jack the Ripper - it's scary when that dude in the masks revs up his chainsaw, and you're no less of a man, or woman, for screaming like a bitch and running the other direction. Measure your manhood somewhere else, dude.
ANYONE IN A TERRIBLE MICHAEL MYERS MASK
Perhaps my biggest Halloween pet peeve is shitty Michael Myers masks, which oftentimes look way worse than they even looked in any of the actual sequels - and the masks looked pretty damn godawful, in many of those films. From ridiculously poofy hair to faces that look more like George Takei than William Shatner, poor Michael Myers has been the victim of more hideous looking Halloween masks than any other horror icon, which is downright criminal given his status as the one slasher villain who's all about Halloween. In a world where Trick or Treat Studios is offering up a cheap Myers mask that looks screen accurate, there's no longer any excuse for wearing pure and utter crap like the masks pictured here. So throw that shit out.
ANYONE WHO DOESN'T LIKE TRICK 'R TREAT
And finally, though it would require a meta twist to actually happen, I'd love to see someone who doesn't like Trick 'r Treat meet a grisly end, at the hands of Sam. If there's any movie that absolutely embodies the spirit, soul and essence of Halloween, it's Trick 'r Treat, to the point that the film is essentially the cinematic equivalent of the holiday itself. Of course, we all have different opinions on movies, which is what makes the world go round, but if you read any one of Trick 'r Treat's 54 one star reviews on Amazon, you'll understand my contempt for those who don't appreciate it. 'Stupid, stupid, stupid,' writes Chuck Cole, while Philip A. Bellante calls it 'the worst Halloween movie ever.' You're the worst, Philip. You're the worst.