There is only one movie to talk about this weekend, a movie that will make ten times what the nearest competitor makes. It will be complete domination because the public hasn’t had anything to guzzle in months. They are frothing at the mouth. Mission Impossible 3 is the movie (if you’ve been trapped in a closet), I had no fewer than four people offer me lewd acts to attend the screening. Sadly I went with a dude who looked like Grape Ape instead, sans lewd acts. The main competition for MI3? A movie about a damn endangered owl. Let’s see here, will the American public choose a huge effects big star thrill ride or a think piece about environmental activism? Like I said, nasty weekend for any movie that doesn’t star a science man.
1. Mission Impossible 3 $72.9m
I even feel like this estimate is low but I can’t bring myself to put it more than 15m higher than the second impossible mission. Sigh. If only I was a gambler and not an Oracle.
2. Hoot $9.1m
The SECOND highest grossing movie of the weekend! That’s what the marketing folks will say, but we’ll all know they got their ass handed to them BIG-TIME. In real life this one won’t make even this much but I wanted to give an extra special shout out to hooters.
3. RV $8.8m
I gotta figure some of the people won’t get tickets to the big one. Those folks will be forced into this one and their partners will be PISSED. It will be a churlish situation. I’m using a ton of caps right now, not sure what that’s about.
4. United 93 $7.3m
Every critic ever, including our own Dre Rivas said we should see it even though it’s a tough movie. You know what? I don’t want to see a “challenging movie”. I want to see an entertaining one. If I want to be challenged I’ll go on Jeopardy.
5. Stick It $6.5m
Extremely popular on Da Rope, not sure what that’s about. Maybe the porn title? Maybe teens dig it?
6. Ice Age: The Meltdown $5.6m
Hey, look, if I wanted some type of freako movie about mimes I woulda ordered it my damn self.
7. American Haunting $5.3m
I will level with you – I don’t know jack about this one. No idea at all. None. I’m just winging it over here. I don’t want to let you get too far behind the curtain over here but I feel a little bad passing judgment on something I’m completely ignorant about. Mea Culpa. Translated it means “sho nuff”
8. The Wild $4.6m
El Wildo, the most boring movie in the world. I talked to a guy who fell asleep in this one. The bad part was he was driving a train at the time.
9. Silent Hill $4.4m
I have no idea why this one is still around. I can only blame drugs and blimps.
10. The Sentinel $3.7m
I think it is really sad that this one couldn’t pleasure me. We just kind of stared at each other and danced around the issue. Completely unsatisfying.
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