The Oracle has to keep on keepin’ on like the wild winds of the Serengeti. You know when it comes to judging all these newcomers I’m on point… but man they are everywhere this weekend! I tripped over a movie opening when I got out of bed this morning. Enough hyperbole, let’s open these puppies up like a big can of tuna fish.
Curious George is hella hardcore kid’s fare. That’s the buzz on the street. I do have to commend the casting of David Cross and Eugene Levy, funny cats there. Other than that what does the curious monkey really bring to the table? Notta alotta.
We’ve got a fun caper about death, Final Destination 3 all up in yo’ grill. This bad boy is directed by James “Big” Wong. He directed the first in the series which might be bad news because the sequel was superior.
Firewall and Harrison Ford are getting big big love which is nice for those in need of a Harrison Retrospective. Only one problem here guys, the movie is absolute rubbish. It’s not good. At some point this will make it tough for it to make money.
The Pink Panther has been delayed more times than my “elective enhancement surgery”. You can NOT blame a guy for being cautious. I wish Steve Martin was still the man, even more so than Harrison Ford. But the Pink Panther? Seriously? That’s what you brought to The Oracle? May your head grow with the onions, damn you to the eternal night.
So what will win this festival of average? That’s easy, the film that sucks the least. Read on for monetary illumnation.
1. Final Destination 3 $28.5m
In the land of bad movies the average one stands tall. Enjoy the spotlight my fatalist friend, you’re headed to Disneyland.
2. Curious George $14.1m
When you think it about this is as good a reason not to have kids as any. Raise your hand if you’re not curious at all.
3. When a Stranger Calls $13.2m
It does seem like this film will be bled off a lot more with horror in the #1 spot but I just can’t make the math work otherwise. It’s like the business that’s losing money on every product and decides to make it up in volume.
4. Firewall $11.9m
I still can’t piece together how he broke out of prison, found the one armed man and then somehow married again and became a network specialist. Perhaps he was doing online courses in prison?
5. The Pink Panther $10.4m
Where is the limit to these terrible movie ideas? Family Circus? Bettle Bailey? Hey, I was a fan of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon Laff Olympics, how about we spin that puppy up into a feature film?
6. Big Momma’s House 2 $7.2m
When the first one came out way back in 2000 I left wondering what great heights they could take the franchise to. Six years later I’m off the meth.
7. Nanny Mcphee $6.0m
I never had a nanny. I did have a butler however, his name was Mr. Belvedere and though his sexuality was in question his loyalty to the family never was. I really miss that dude.
8. Brokeback Mountain $3.9m
We’ve tackled gay, now Hollywood only has one more sacred cow left to slay. You got it – people who have sex with Dolphins. If not now, when?
9. Something New $2.8m
When someone says “long story short” you are pretty much guaranteed a pretty lengthy oration aren’t you? It’s never “Long story short, I stuck a shiv in him.”
10. Hoodwinked $2.6
It’s girl week on the former classmates section and I’m going with Vanessa Gersney. Vanessa broke my heart long before it was en vogue. I’ll pour out some single malt for her tonight in between lap dances.
If you’d like to see a golden pig click here. If you are aching to talk to the dude send an email to the dude’s first nombre at the google mail service. All the cool kids should know it by now.
