Welcome everyone! Well, if you’re like me you are drained from the torturous and seemingly never-ending experience of watching… The “Golden Globe Arrival Special”. Yes, The “Golden Globe Arrival Special” with hosts Nancy O’Dell (who?), Shaun Robinson (who??) and special guest Dean Cain (WHO???). Yes, vacant hosts more interested in cozying up to the stars and boring the hell out of everyone at home than asking them anything interesting. I have an idea on how to beef up this section of the awards night (you listening, Oscar?).
The way I envision it, it goes something like this…
“Nancy, guide us through what its like down there.”
“Well, its kind of like that scene at the end of Close Encounters, Dick. When all of the alien children were just walking around a little confused and a little curious… Okay, the next one just left her limo now, Dick. It’s Rene Zellweger. She’s looking around. She’s alone…Goodness she looks lonely. Doesn’t see anyone with a microphone and there is no one and I mean no one taking her picture.”
“Brilliant stroke on NBC’s part.”
“Couldn’t agree more, Dick. No one is pining for an interview. Not a camera in her eye’s view. Dick, this could get ugly.”
“Dick, this is Shaun Robinson checking in. Though, she’s not panicking just yet, she definitely looks disturbed from my angle. She’s getting that Nurse Betty gleam in her eye…wait a minute. Wait just one minuteÃ¢â‚¬Â¦There she goes! She’s jumped head first into the crowd! She’s attacking through the crowd like a San Fermin bull!”
“We’ve lost her, Shaun. I don’t know where she is. Dean can you see her?”
“Nevermind, Nancy. There she is! I can’t hear above the screams! It’s pandemonium!”
“Good Christ, what is that in her hand?”
“What’s going on down there? Nancy? Shaun? Dean?”
“Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh-“
“Dick, Dean just passed out, You won’t believe…the horror! I think that’s a…it’s a head. Rene Zellweger just decapitated Tyra Banks with her bare hands!”
“I’m afraid so, Dick. She smoked her out and ripped her clean off her shoulders.”
“Oh, this is a dark, dark day for the Golden Globes. Oh, the humanity!”
Seriously, it would be great.
Julian McMahon, so amazingly good in the outstanding Fantastic Four, is our first sensational interview of the evening. There’s an uncomfortable look on Nancy O’Dell’s face when he gropes her and then takes way too long to loosen his grip. Soon he makes a bad joke and poor Nancy has to fake a laugh as she gently ushers him away.
Jessica Alba looks amazing! I mean hot enough that I am going to rent Into The Blue just to see her in a bikini. She just told Nancy she likes to bake brownies for the cast and crew when she’s making a movie. It’s official. I’m in love.
Will Ferrell is interviewed and not one joke. Dance, puppet, dance!
Geena Davis…lookin’ old.
Poor Dean Cain. I never really watched “Lois and Clark” but could it really have been that bad? Well, it looks like Cain is taking over some of Dick Clark’s duties this year (Thank God!) which pretty much means every so often the camera will cut to him and he will begin to babble on mercilessly until someone pistol-whips him from behind.
Pamela Anderson is being interviewed by Shaun Robinson for a full two minutes. Someone take a fork and stab me in the heart. Please.
Shaun Robinson interviews her first black star of the night: Chris Rock who delivers the night’s first real whopper. When Robinson asks Rock about his Globe-nominated television show, “Everyone Hates Chris”, Rock replies: “I just went to this school where people beat me up and called me ‘nigger’ daily.” There’s an awkward moment of silence before Robinson grabs her ear and quickly vomits out a follow-up question. Gotta love that.
Mandy Moore looks amazing wearing what has to be 10 inch heals. A dodo interview, but she acquits herself well.
The lovely Queen Latifah is being interviewed by Shaun Robinson who must be contractually obligated to interview all of the African-American stars, What better way to celebrate Martin Luther King Day than by segregating the interviews?
Finally, something I didn’t know. Nancy O’Dell (pulling whitey duty) is interviewing Johnny Depp who says he found his Willy Wonka voice by playing Barbie dolls with his daughter. Weird, but interesting. Also, Depp’s hair looks like it did in Edward Scissorhands.
A nice and clumsy interview with Hilary Swank where Robinson alludes to her recent divorce. Good job! Swank quickly changes the subject to her charity work. “Kids and animals, I really like to help them out.”
Nancy’s now interviewing Mariah Carey and together they have the following exchange (along the lines of):
“You know, Mariah, you’ve done some acting…” Don’t remind us! “There’s a lot of producers and directors here tonight. You thinking of schmoozing with any of them and hook up for another film?” What is she doing? Is she encouraging her? Damn you, Nancy O’Dell!
“Oh, I don’t know. I think it all has to happen organically.” That’s code for, I’d rather not get humiliated and laughed at tonight. I just want to drink champagne and then go home and cry.
Russell Crowe looks cheerful. He earns tonight’s Best Behavior Award.
Shaun Robinson interviews Matt Dillon. He isn’t black, but he was in a movie about racism so that’s something. Dillon starts to talk semi-intelligently about his role in Crash. He doesn’t stop, though. Robinson tries to wrap up the conversation about four times before he is dragged away by security.
There is only one thing worse than “The Golden Globe Arrival Special”. And that’s the “Golden Globe Arrival Special Recap”. Yes, I was unable to soak in that Pamela Anderson interview the first time around. In fact, play it one more time, I may have missed something.
I’ll say this much for Sarah Jessica Parker, got to admire her for not doing anything about the nose.
Shaun Robinson interviews Jamie Foxx. Three for three baby!
Look, it’s the cast of America’s favorite show, “Will and Grace“. I don’t think I’m alone when I say that these people cannot go away quick enough.
The “Golden Globe Arrival Special” crew of Nancy O’Dell, Shaun Robinson and Dean Cain wrap up and go over their favorite moments so far. My favorite response has to be Cain’s who says something along the lines of “It was probably watching everyone arrive…” Uh, Dean, that’s all that’s happened dude. “Seeing it from the outside, not where you guys were, just seeing it from the outside, seeing the people arrive…I just found it to be really interesting.” Thanks, Dean. Go back to bed, man.
The show begins…
Queen Latifah salutes Martin Luther King. That’s cool. Then she ends it with a hoochie-mama, “Now let’s get this party started!” About four people clap. Everyone else just looks stunned and suddenly nervous.
Best Supporting Actor: Natalie Portman and Adrien Brody come out for the Best Supporting Actor and Actress awards. If Adrien lays one on Natalie I hunt him down. George Clooney wins for Syriana. What It Means: It’s interesting, but I’m not sure how much it means. On one hand, it’s a great year for Clooney and people want to reward him for his great directing and acting effort. But the Academy may still have a guilty conscious and want to give it to Paul Giamatti this year. The Globes didn’t have any of that baggage, they at least nominated the guy for Sideways. Also, Jake Gyllenhaal wasn’t even nominated for Brokeback Mountain tonight and I suspect it to be a three-way (you dirty bastards!) race between Clooney, Giamatti and Gyllenhaal. No matter what, though, Clooney’s win tonight obviously helps his chances.
Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Wiesz wins for The Constant Gardener. What It Means: It means I’m happy, for one. Wiesz gave my favorite female performance of the year in this wonderful movie. It also means maybe Wiesz wasn’t just fortunate enough people saw The Constant Gardener for her to get recognized. It might mean it’s a race between her and Michelle Williams come Oscar night.
Is it me or does Drew Barrymore have a Ms. Choksondik thing going on with her chest. No lazy eye in sight, though.
Geena Davis wins for her show “Commander in Chief” and is brilliant in her acceptance speech. She says something along the lines of: “You know walking in here tonight I felt a tug on my dress and it was a little girl. She told me that because of me, she wants to be President of the United States one day.” The audience just melts. You can hear the “Awws”. Then Geena says “Okay, that didn’t happen. But it could have,” Davis still has the comic timing. Geena, do a movie every once in a while, will ya?
When I dream tonight, I will dream of being lost on an island with Evangeline Lilly.
Hugh Laurie has a nice inspired moment after he wins for “House M.D.” He says since he has too many people to thank (172 to be exact) he is going to pick three names at random out of his pocket. He pulls the name for a script supervisor, his hair stylist and his agent to which he quips “Oh, that’s not even my handwriting.” Laurie eventually wimps out and gives a real thank you speech but still, good show m’boy! Good show, indeed!
Melanie Griffith comes out to introduce Ms. Golden Globe; Her and Don Johnson’s daughter, Dakota Johnson. Dakota looks like she is about to get her wisdom tooth pulled. She’s that happy and excited to be here. She looks around the room and I have the sneaking suspicion she was wishing death upon all of them. She looked like Sigourney Weaver at the end of Ghostbusters. And what the hell is a Miss Golden Globe anyway? What’s the point? Who cares? Dakota looks like she’s about one cocaine binge away from stardom.
“Empire Falls” wins and I remember I have Blockbuster movies that I need to return. Also, my bladder is about to explode.
William Petersen and Pamela Anderson come out to present the next award. As Peterson is speaking, an overly-giddy Anderson waives to someone in the crowd. Now I’m going to come out and say it: I don’t think anyone was waving at her and I don’t think she was waiving to anyone in particular. But I think everyone in the room accepts the fact that it makes her happy.
Steve Carell wins for “The Office”, the best comedy on regular television. Then he goes on to give what might be the acceptance speech of the night. Great stuff. I can’t even repeat it. You just had to be there.
Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy: Reese wins. She looks like a real knockout tonight. She thanks her husband, Ryan Phillippe. I hate him. What It Means: She was always going to win. Let’s see what happens in the Best Actress in a Drama category first.
Chris Rock tries to save the night with another beauty: “It’s Martin Luther King Day! White people, relax. You only need to be nice to black people for two more hours!” Everyone laughs. Rock should just do standup for the next hour. He can rattle off the winners really quickly when the credits roll like those guys on “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?”
I really should have tried harder to see Pride and Prejudice. My bladder is about to give in, I consider calling 911.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers wins for that “Elvis” flick. His accent is shockingly Irish.
S. Epatha Merkeson wins for HBO’s “Lackawanna Blues“. It’s a moving acceptance speech where she tells how special a win it is for her, being that she is 53 and it was her first lead role. More of these, please.
Brokeback Mountain wins for best screenplay expectedly. It starts here. Anyone who doesn’t think this movie is going to win Best Picture is kidding themselves.
“Desperate Housewives” wins for best comedy. We’re a minute shy of fifteen. Hey, Teri Hatcher made a bad joke. First time that’s happened, right? First those lame-ass Circuit City commercials with Howie Long, now this.
If I could listen to one woman talk all night, her name would be Penelope Cruz. I mean it.
Best Foreign Film: Paradise Now. Had to win. Timely film, powerful subject. Can’t wait to see it. What It Means: Not sure yet. I’m not completely sold on it winning the Oscar, yet. Might be too incendiary. Tsotsi is supposed to be killer.
Best Score: John Williams wins his 700th Academy Award for his beautiful Memoirs of a Geisha score. What It Means: What it means is Gustavo Santaolalla for Brokeback still wins come Oscar night. Trust me on this.
Best Song: “A Love That Will Never Grow Old” Brokeback Mountain. What It Means: I don’t care for most of the songs in this category this year. There’s usually that one track I really dig, but I think they’re all equally mediocre. The Academy is going to be all over Brokeback and they will give it to Santaolalla for his score, but I’m not sure if this win means anything. The Producers could still walk away with some dignity with their song.
Gwyneth Paltrow comes out to present the Cecile B. deMille award to Anthony Hopkins. The clips are great but what really got me was the clip to that movie Magic where a young Hopkins is playing a ventriloquist who goes wacky. That is a must-see. Hopkins is truly one of the greatest actors to grace the screen. One question, though, why does Gwyneth “Apple” Paltrow keep calling Hopkins “AnneTony”? Give me a break.
Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy: Yes! Joaquin Phoenix wins for Walk the Line. Good stuff. What It Means: Not much. I don’t think it changes the fact that it is still Hoffman versus Ledger, with Hoffman being the favorite.
Best Picture for a Musical or Comedy: Walk The Line cleans up! Kudos to everyone involved with Walk The Line, great movie. What It Means: With Phoenix, Witherspoon and the film all winners tonight, it means Walk The Line has gained some serious momentum in the Best Picture race (for a nomination, anyway). Phoenix and Reese were already in. The movie has been floating around the edges. Capote was looking like it was going to steal its slot, but tonight helps.
It’s official. No one is less funny than Will from “Will and Grace.” Teri Hatcher should give him some tips. Meanwhile, the best drama on TV wins. Lost baby! I haven’t seen the second season because I refuse to watch it week-to-week. That would be too frustrating. I turn into a crack head when I watch that show. I need the next episode right away or else I rip up the room like Ewan McGregor did in Trainspotting. DVDs give me that fix because I can just pop in the next disc. Yes, I’m considering getting help, but you first.
Best Actress in a Drama: Leo comes out and says Felicity Huffman‘s name for Transamerica. What It Means: It means I may not be totally insane when I wrote in my Best Actress column that Felicity Huffman would build to a lead come Oscar night. I also said that there might be a phony Huffman vs. Reese race but after tonight, I wonder how phony that race may turn out to be. Either way, Huffman’s win tonight was big.
Best Actor in a Drama: Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins for Capote. He calls it the “role of my life”. What It Means: Hoffman is the clear favorite to win come Oscar night. Ledger is his biggest competition and Phoenix’s only shot at wining is if Ledger’s support grows in the next couple of months, which is a real possibility.
Best Picture for a Drama: The coolest cat in the room, Denzel Washington, comes out and says the words everyone already knew: Brokeback Mountain. What It Means: It means, the race is 100 percent over. It means Oscar night will be pretty boring and predictable. It means it’s a Brokeback year which may also mean Gyllenhaal’s chances may have increased.
So that’s all she wrote, folks. Overall a very predictable night. I’m going to go to bed now and dream of a world where my version of “The Golden Globe Arrival Special” is a reality. Till then.