Ten Things We’d Push ‘The Box’s Button For


A cool ass box with a shiny red button!
Photo: Warner Bros.

The picture you see above comes from this week’s upcoming release of The Box and could it be any more enticing? Look at that button unit. I mean, who doesn’t want to push the plunger on that bad boy to see what will happen?

Now imagine Frank Langella tells you that by pushing it you will receive $1 million! There is, of course, the one caveat, someone you don’t know, somewhere in the world will die as a result of your button mashing, which could potentially open the possibility that the next person that pushes it will ultimately end up killing you and so forth…

However, if you follow that logic down the line that would mean you died without $1 million should you have decided not to push the button. This would leave you with one massive regret as you fade down the drain. Soooooooo… Boom! You push that button! And…

$1 million!
Photo: Warner Bros.

That’s right, you’re $1 million richer! We all feel sorry for that person that died, whoever they were, but after all, they could have been offered the button next, and maybe would have killed us. Screw that right? One less person out there to worry about dropping the people’s elbow on the magic box and ruining all our fun.

Taking this idea a bit further, I took a hypothetical button box idea to our very own Box-Office Oracle, Laremy Legel, to see just how low he would actually go if offered the chance to get something for free just by pushing a cool as shit shiny red button. Here’s how he responded with a few explanations as to why…

A coupon for discounted car wash
My car gets dirty. One push of the button, and BAM!, I’m ready for profiling. And at a discount no less!
One Red-Haired Troll Doll
Back when I had troll dolls I feel like I took them for granted. I wouldn’t this time.
A roll of “forever” stamps because they are forever
Forever. Think of the implications of that. If I wanted to mail something in 20 years I just slap a “forever” stamp on there and I’m golden.
Subway sub card with at least one free six-inch on it
I would get a meatball sub. And it would be glorious. And free! That’s a bingo!
A Kiss, followed IMMEDIATELY by a smile
Because far too often my kisses end with a grimace and a frown. Not this time! Box. Button. Pushed!
For someone to explain the difference between the colors violet and lavender
Seriously. They are the same color. Don’t even try it.
A dry cleaning ticket (with at LEAST three items to pick up)
It’s like dry cleaning roulette, at least one of ’em is gonna be an item I like, right?
A Bear Claw
If there’s a better pastry out there I’ve not met it. Oh bear claw, how I love thee.
The Nights in Rodanthe Soundtrack
From Emmylou Harris to Dinah Washington — this one has something for everybody!
Another box in a different color with a button to push
Trust me, there’s a button in there… This time you push it!

Now that you’ve experienced our stupid list, enjoy what the folks at Funny or Die put together.