Occasionally I roll out the crystal ball and peek into the future. Sadly, the only future that pops up on the spherical surface deals with movies. My crystal ball is lame and busted like that. No matter, I’ll make do with my crippled ball. At the very least it allows me to spread the goods to you, for better or worse. So with the summer movie season churning out budget behemoths on a weekly basis now, I think it’s an okay time to glimpse at the fallout, the upcoming trends that you’ll be witnessing soon enough. So let’s plop the turban on and light this carnival-show doohickey up.
No Mr. Favreau, we ain’t paying you shit for
Hot damn, the similarities between Fox and future Marvel Studios are uncanny.
Hmm, now the ball shows the same people standing in line for
More voices coming through now. Children. But we’re back to the near future. Oh how cute. Every 6-year-old kid in the country is speaking out of their nose, imitating the electric-edged voice of
Woah, and I though the future for Marvel-loving fanboys was sad. Every parent with 6-year-old kids will have their patience tested come WALL•E‘s release in a few weeks.
But now I see the same parents, the ones who didn’t lodge a bullet in their brain matter after their kids transformed into fleshy WALL•Es. Jesus God, they’re pissed. They’re dragging their numbed, drooling 6-year-old kids out of
Oh, but it doesn’t climax there. No, the trite, small-minded outrage reaches critical mass when some knuckle-dragging retard with a closet packed with hand cannons attempts to curve a bullet (as seen in
But Gunter McDonovan isn’t the only sample from a shallow gene pool. Soon, unimaginative kids – yes, kids! – (who would have proved Darwin right, regardless if a film threw the idea for self-destruction their way) all over the country are accidently crippling, and killing one another while trying to curve the bullet. This happens to a total of 3 kids in North America. It’s a goddamn epidemic scream the talking heads on 24-hour news channels. “How Could Hollywood Be So Irresponsible?” explodes the headline on “People” magazine’s cover (right above the tease for “Lohan’s Secrets for a Loving Lesbian Relationship”). Paraphrasing the thesis from the article in “People,” it’s so obvious that Hollywood is making kids, who happen to play with firearms, to do reckless things with them. If the movies never showed heroes doing “cool” things with guns, then the kids, who happen to play with guns, should all be safe!
Looks like the crystal ball is brewing an electrical storm right now. It’s gone batshit. I think the bastard is short-circuiting. Better cool it off until the fall. Throw a wet-towel over it and roll it back underneath my bed. Oh yes, the soon-to-be future appears to be a scary, stupid place. But doesn’t it always seem that way?
