By now you’ve all heard of the red band Beowulf trailer. And if you’ve heard of that chances are you’ve heard of the new non-red band trailer. But have you heard of the trailer that’s so scandalous that they can’t even release it? That’s right, Paramount has a trailer so secretive that they can’t even post it online. But it’s out there. It exists. Right now, someone has access to the brand new MPAA rated NPE-rated (that’s No People Ever) trailer and they are cackling with delight at how awesomely nasty it is.
What does it feature? Let me tell ya, you do not want to read on unless you’re like 98 years old, have a valid US driver’s license, are right-handed, walk with a limp and have lived through both war and famine. Here’s the news from my contact inside Paramount who has seen it:
SOME OF THE SUPER SECRET ABOVE RED BAND BEOWULF TRAILER ITEMS
- King Hrothgar (Hopkins) dances a jig on Michael Bay’s gravestone, while hopped up on cocaine.
- Queen Wealhtheow (Wright-Penn) admits, on camera, that Sean Penn annoys her a little bit too.
- Grendel’s Mother (Jolie) adopts a child… and then throws it into a CG firepit, only as it turns out it was a REAL firepit (note: this is already scheduled to appear on the DVD gag reel).
- Grendel (Glover) cheats on his taxes and also cuts Ray Winstone’s hamstring off (so that he’s never able to follow through on his backswing again).
- Wiglaf (Gleeson) sodomizes a goat. Then he kills the goat, improperly cooks it and eats it as dinner. This causes a food borne illness within his digestive track.
- Ursula (Lohman) reenacts Lohman’s NC-17 scene from Where the Truth Lies, only with John Malkovich who has one of those leather masks over his head.
- Crispin Glover just stares at the camera in a super creepy manner for like 90 seconds straight (it was at this point my contact passed out). This was weird because it was actually Crispin and not the CG Grendel. Odd eh?
Wowee! This sounds intense. If we manage to get a copy we’ll be sure to post it, only we will require you to submit $45 to us via paypal to view it. That’s how amazing this thing is. You’ve been warned.
NOTE: This article is satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only. All individual and company involvement is fictional. However, given that they are checking ID for you to see the trailer to a movie that isn’t being released theatrically you have to wonder who is crazier.
