You can’t imagine how bad Evan Almighty is. You’d have to watch it to fully understand. This is because the human imagination does have boundaries (forget what your teachers told you) and no mind would willingly travel down this unfunny highway, stopping to pay the toll at stupidville. But wait! If you like bird poop, beards, and Bible comedy this is for you! Let’s hope they throw that on the poster.
Evan Almighty was a bad idea right from the start. Let me make that clear. Once the concept and the script were locked in nothing could have saved this because it’s built upon like twelve faulty premises. The logic presented is nothing short of insane. Since you’ve seen the trailer I can’t really spoil anything for you (plus I’m praying you don’t buy a ticket) so let’s delve in. One of the main “jokes” in this movie, one of the recurring “money” shots is just how crazy Carell is perceived to be for building an ark. That’s the joke. And actually this joke would work except for one small point. The dude has animals from all around the globe flocking to him. Think about that for a moment. Say some crazy in your neighborhood started building a big boat because he said the flood was coming. You would rightly call him cookoo and proceed about your day. But what if that guy was surrounded by a Goddamn LION? Might this give you pause? Might you then say “hmmmm.. either this gentleman has mastered the art of lion taming in addition to his obvious boat building skills or he’s on to something”? I think I would. If thousands of animals descended upon someone who was building a boat my ears would perk up, no doubt in my mind. It’s a simple equation really. Guy building boat without any evidence is probably crazy. This could be funny. Guy building boat without means to feed thousands of animals who yet still crowd around him without fucking eating each other is not funny. How did no one notice this? How did no one catch that the central premise of the joke was something an eight year old could work out? The reality of the joke prohibits the joke from being funny. What? Hello? Jesus. I mean really. So, after all these signs that God is probably waaaay on Evan’s side guess how many people help a brother out? Now guess how many make fun of him? If you guessed “no one” and “everyone” you are smart enough to be very frustrated by this film. Another great part is that Carell keeps growing a Noah style beard. It doesn’t matter how much he shaves it, the bastard pops right back up. Now, when people question why he’s suddenly sporting a beard does he just show them how he shaves and yet it comes back? No. Because it’s too zany for his beard to stay while everyone laughs at him.
Next up, isn’t the story of Noah hilarious? No seriously. Yeah, the flood part where everyone is killed. Silly stuff, right? Ummm. No. Why in the world would you base a comedy upon this story? It doesn’t matter that you don’t follow the same path, it only matters that everyone already knows the story. Again, this is a central premise of the movie that’s just bereft of common sense. If you look at a movie like Dogma, a film that does its best to bridge the gap between humor and religion, it only even marginally succeeds because it’s a dark comedy. It’s laced with irony and sarcasm, hurt feelings and thugs with hockey sticks. What does Evan Almighty have? Steve Carell smiling wide with his big ol’ PG rating. Morgan Freeman muttering some nonsense about how the story of Noah was actually a really positive family tale. I’m not sure how you could interpret it as such. I guess Noah and the family did okay. Oh and the animals too, they made out. Everyone else drowned. This is the source material from which the “comedy of the summer” is drawing from.
Lastly, bird poop. Man is it funny. How funny? Funny enough to use over. And over. And over again. Seriously, give it a count. If you don’t think it’s funny the first few times then just sit tight. It will get even less funny once you realize that it’s the only joke they have in store for you.
Let’s recap. Death. Bird Poop. A crazy guy who has amazing powers over animals. A recurring beard. This is where we’re going for laughs. This is the best this movie has to offer. I have only one piece of advice for you regarding Evan Almighty. Stay the hell away.
