Hi guys, we need to talk. I’m about to save you anywhere from five to thirty dollars, depending on your level of friends and snack intake rate. Ghost Rider is bad, bad, bad. That’s bad to the third power (and that’s not good). Instead of seeing this you might want to do your taxes or clean your pool. If you don’t have a pool maybe build one. You get the idea.
The growing chasm in this country isn’t based on religion, race, or sexual politics. Instead, it’s based on intelligence level. Nowhere is this more apparent than the plot of Ghost Rider. While some of the audience followed happily along, you could tell by the nodding heads, others of us were very sad. The way plot elements were thrown together was just redonk. In fact, I can break them down real quick with only the barest spoilers.
Ghosty Plot
Our hero is livin’ on the edge!
Sigh, I wish I had my girl back.
Oh no, it’s the Devil!
It’s time for some action. Also, I need my girl back.
End credits.
So if you’ve a) seen a movie b) know someone who has seen one or c) ever walked passed a television shop playing a movie you should know each and every move this film will make.
Real quickly, here are the four Ghost Rider related things I liked. It had good opening credits. It had good imagery (because frankly burning skulls are neat). It had nice special effects, like when the cycle leaves flame tracks. And finally, I liked the original comic back in the day, so long as “the day” is considered the 80’s. I remember reading Ghost Rider as a kid and digging it. Sadly, this version comes off way more cartoonish than any comic book ever could.
The story of Ghost Rider is relatively simple because it isn’t encumbered by having to make any sense. Nic Cage is the Ghost Rider; he’s a supernatural burning skull force atop a flaming motorcycle. He’s made a deal with the Devil; he’s pretty much his servant. He’s called “The Rider” and he’s pitted against the Devil’s son and some other friends o’ Devil’s son. How the Devil got a son I’m not asking, how the Devil and his son became so angry with each other is also not clear. I’m guessing they didn’t talk a lot in the fires of hell, or perhaps the son didn’t want to grow up to run the family business.
So it’s one of those “I’ll make a deal for your soul” style of movies. Those are always interesting because the Devil theoretically wouldn’t play fair. And really, couldn’t the Devil do his own bidding at some point? However, I wouldn’t hold any of the reality problems against the movie if everything else wasn’t so jacked up too. The dialogue is simply brutal. If you had the weekend to come up with something better you’d have a decent shot. The characters mouth things such as “Let’s ride” and “My head feels like it’s on fire.” I know that you are obligated to throw those in for the stupid people, so they can feel like part of the gang, but to have a movie that consists entirely of such hack silliness is a small crime. Eva Mendes shows some lovely side breast (hey, that’s five things I like!) but never comes close to “acting.” There are all kinds of site gags here too, like a kid passing out due to just seeing The Ghost Rider. Hey, that kid was scared!
To recap: The problems with Ghost Rider include the acting, the writing, the directing, and possibly the producing (if you consider they spent the money to bring you this product). This movie makes for a very cool poster and I fondly remember the comic book. As for the movie? Well, it won’t set the world on fire. Hardy, har, see what this bastard did to my brain? Skip this and stay away from “mush-brain”.
