‘Firewall’ Movie Review (2006)

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Firewall Movie ReviewFirewall is so insanely bad I may have to recommend it at the end of this review. I’m not sure yet, line up the shots on the bar and let’s take this journey together to find out. This could be your movie event of the year if you plan it right. Okay, tell you what, at the bottom of this here review I’m going to give you my advice if you are one of those crazy derring-do type of people. If you are a mere mortal stay far far away from this film because it is crazy bad.

I’m feeling loopy with all the vapid pointless film being released lately; it’s a veritable desert out there! Firewall is no exception. How lucky were we with films like Miracle and Cinderella Man in the month of February the past two years? Clearly very lucky, the only thing remotely decent on the horizon is Thank You for Smoking. Me, I’m all about seeing a pregnant Katie Holmes get down with the get down if you smell what I’m cooking. What’s that? She’s not actually pregnant in the film? Hmm.. there goes that fetish scratch right out the damn window.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, your friend and mine, Firewall. The good parts about this little wobbler are the premise and Paul Bettany (for about ten minutes). The premise is a family held hostage so a husband will break into the bank’s computers (he works for the bank) and heist $100 million. Harrison Ford plays the network security guru whom Bettany targets. Ford does zany things in this movie like shouting, “Get out of my way!” or, “But they’re my children!” all the while growling his head off. It’s a pat performance from a guy who shouldn’t be doing action anymore. Sorry Han.

What’s wrong with Firewall? Logic to the zillionth degree. I want to walk you through one of the scenarios that highlight the shortcomings of the film. Okay, so the bad guys roll in and take over the house, taking the family hostage. You with me so far? There are five bad guys, all armed to the teeth. They wear black so you know they are serious. The first thing they do is install cameras in each room. A high tech assassin squad if you will, but you shouldn’t. Next they put mom and the kids in the bedroom alone and retire to the kitchen for some snacks and casual conversation. Every once in a while they look over at the camera to make sure no one is escaping. Mull that over. Let it marinate. We’ll cover this soon enough.

So what do we have at the end of all this? A good premise and a nice initial ten minutes. After that it’s pretty much a laugh riot where I suppose they wanted a tension riot. It’s a world where criminals threaten but never follow through. It’s a world where you can erase all the video archives from the cameras and then walk past the same cameras on your way out. It’s not the real world by any stretch of the imagination and it’s only an effective film if you aren’t too bright. I can’t recommend this to anyone unless they are willing to take some drastic measures. Sorry Firewall, you’ve been served.

As for my suggestion… Well, let’s start with the last time I held a family hostage. I had a guy in each room and I split everyone up. Call me crazy but that just seems to be a better call then installing fancy cameras and hoping they don’t use pillows to seem like they are still there. What kind of criminal DOES have video cameras but DOESN’T actually have enough sense to watch the hostage??

Now, as for how to enjoy Firewall; get a couple drinks before the film and line up a late night booty call for afterwards. You’ll be a little buzzed and get some laughs while the anticipation of late night loving stews around in your belly. At this point Firewall becomes an “A+” film. Actually this technique might work for most films. Wait a sec, could I have just stumbled on the solution to enjoying bad cinema? Copyright it!

GRADE: F

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Weekend: Nov. 15, 2018, Nov. 18, 2018

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