I Can’t Wait to See ‘Marbles: The Movie!”

ON
I think the green one with yellow stripes is eye-balling me!

Roger Ebert just won’t give up on his mission to remind us all how bad Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was. Today he posted a new article headlined “The toys that ate Hollywood,” which prognosticates what children’s toys Hollywood may snatch up next. He casts them and sets up the scenarios and some of them are absolutely priceless.

I’m not sure what I like most about each one, but the inclusion of an exclamation point after each title is a priceless addition letting us all know Ebert is fully aware of just how ridiculous things have gotten in the world of online movie reporting and the Hollywood studio system’s attempt to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

Take a look at a few of my favorites:

Gotcha! At a suburban high school, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton fight each other in the lunch room using water balloons. Both are wearing thin T-shirts and get drenched. No nudity.

Explode Me Elmo! Elmo (Seth Rogen) is a bright red space alien. Humans discover that when they tickle him once, he chortles. Twice, and he laughs aloud. Three times, and he explodes and destroys Earth.

Spud Guns from Space! Aliens from Space land and find Earth potatoes are unsatisfactory. They fire helpless humans at each other.

Marbles! Secret of the Universe! Nicolas Cage plays an astrophysicist at MIT who intercepts the feed from the Hubble Space Telescope and determines that the stars in the sky are in fact giant, brilliantly-glowing marbles. Enhancing the digital information, he discovers a giant thumb and forefinger in the abyss beyond space. They hold an aggie.

Sandbox! The Movie! Giant red, yellow and green plastic buckets, shovels and scoops attack from outer space, dig up the Earth’s topsoil, and throw it all over the place.

You can click here to read the full commentary and also click here to read his latest Answer Man response to an emailer hating on him for his endless barrage of Revenge of the Fallen insults.