A Conversation with My Buddy Kirk Cameron

David Frank knows more than you. Care to disagree?

Not sure if you remember, but back at the beginning of August I wrote a Beverly Hills Chihuahua was a sign of the end of the world. I wasn’t sure if it was a hazy dream or the real thing, after all Cameron was in those end-of-the-world “Left Behind” movies. No matter what, I wasn’t taking my chances. When the nation’s foremost celebrity expert on the apocalypse says it’s the End of Days you don’t doubt him. Therefore, October 3rd was firmly circled in red on the calendar and to say I was mildly disappointed when the Rapture didn’t come to fruition is an understatement.

So, I called up my buddy Kirk Cameron and asked, “What the hell Kirk Cameron? I thought it was all going to end October 3rd with that Chihuahua thing. You told me so in a vivid midnight vision a month or so back.”

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Yeah, well —

Me: — I didn’t see any one get sucked up into the heavenly clouds. After all, you’re still here. And that goddamn talking dog movie has made like 50 million bucks in two weeks. 50 million bucks! It defeated Leo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe on its second weekend out. Humiliated them as if they were couple of direct-to-DVD no names busing tables at your local Starbucks.

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Yeah, well I forgot I had a movie coming out. So I prayed to postpone the rapture for awhile, at least until the DVD sales have leveled off.

Me: Jeez, I wished you’d updated me a tad earlier Kirk Cameron. My wife and I were planning on quitting our jobs and spending all of our money on wine, strippers, beef jerky and snow cones. Luckily, the stock market collapse stomped those plans out.

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Yeah, well think of it as — me. Pulling a punch. For you. *wink* It wasn’t the end of days. But was the end of your 401ks.

Me: I’m scared Kirk Cameron. If that many people saw that dog movie, what’s that say about this nation? What does that say about this upcoming election? How can you trust anything? The polls say Obama is ahead by 10 points. I refuse to believe that when there’s an army of stupids out their burning 50 million dollars on a movie about a magical glorified rat. And they’re not all children. Some are even registered voters, who’ll probably vote for McCain because Sarah Palin’s shrill yapping reminds them of a Chihuahua. And for some reason, people find those bug-eyed pocket-sized dogs cute! How can anyone believe Good can overcome Dumb these days?

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Yeah, well it shouldn’t. Everyone needs to circumvent their intellectualism.

Me: I don’t know what that means Kirk Cameron.

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Yeah, well go see Fireproof, currently in 900 local theaters across the nation. It’s the box-office surprise of the fall.

Me: Indeed it is. I’m surprised to see evangelicals flocking to a movie that doesn’t involve their savior getting skinned alive. Maybe I’ll wait for when it’s on the Lifetime channel and I can’t find my remote to change it.

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Well, yeah exactly. And you have to circumvent your intellectualism.

Me: I still don’t know what that means Kirk Cameron.

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Well, yeah that’s because you believe in “science” and Darwin and movies without talking Chihuahuas from Beverly Hills and other tools of Satan. But I still love you David Frank.

Me: Um, okay. Just one more question Kirk Cameron, since you are the nation’s foremost celebrity expert on the apocalypse. Will I see a trailer for The Road before the film comes out? Other than some pics and nice write-ups in a few fancy publications, footage is as difficult to find as someone who admits to seeing that talking-dog movie. Is it too hard to ask for some footage? A teaser? It’s not like this thing is Avatar where it needs a decade of post-production visual effects before any shot is finished. Is it just me or is Dimension Films completely dropping the ball on this possible Oscar contender’s marketing? Are they trying out some new whisper campaign for film marketing? No posters, no footage, just hope people accidentally walk into it.

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Yeah, well maybe yes.

Me: Yes on seeing the trailer before the upcoming apocalypse or yes on the fact that Dimension Films is screwing the pooch on marketing The Road?

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Yeah, well maybe yes on both.

Me: I’ll take that as a maybe affirmative on the trailer then. Why I could kiss you Kirk Cameron!

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Yeah, well I only kiss my wife. It’s a vow I made.

Me: Oh that’s right. I forgot you’re taking method acting to a new level of crazy. Bringing in your own wife and tossing a wig on her for the “love scenes” in your movies. Goddamn Kirk Cameron, you’re a maverick.

My Buddy Kirk Cameron: Done and done!