It’s a sad statement about the United States, but I’m positive millions of moviegoers will walk out of 10,000 B.C. under the belief they just viewed a documentary. We are a country of morons, and 10,000 B.C. is a weapon of potent mass retardation that will only worsen this dilemma. Yet, being the red-blooded American I am, I left 10,000 B.C. with a skull-pan packed of knowledge. Let me share. Spoilers may follow.
Let’s see here. Ancient hunting tribe. Check. A band of murderous savages rape, pillage, kill, and kidnap members of the tribe. Yep. Love story. Included. Everyone ends up in a city bursting with slaves, half-finished pyramids, and human sacrifices. Present. The captives hasten their subjugators’ trajectory towards death. Check. Wow, Roland Emmerich just remade Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto—but Englishier and stupider, a feat previously thought impossible. I don’t see Mel “What are you looking at Sugar Tits?” Gibson’s name in the credits. I suggest he gets his lawyers on the phone; I’m sure they’re on speed dial.
Between Stargate and 10,000 B.C., it’s apparent Roland Emmerich is a pyramid conspiracy theorist. Or maybe the guy has never picked up a history book—this film gives credence to this argument. Most archeologists say the Egyptian pyramids clock in at around 4000 years of age. Yet, there are a few folks out there who believe either some older than ancient culture (perhaps refugees from Atlantis, yes the fabled sunken city) or even aliens of the non Latino variety built the pyramids around 10,000 B.C.. And hell, Emmerich doesn’t stop at just giving us pyramids 8,000 years before they were built. In all his caveman wisdom, one of 10,000 B.C.‘s characters espouses the theory that the rulers of the pyramid builders are either “from the stars” or “a city that sunk into the sea.” Talk about covering all bets. Yes this crackpot is the Fox Mulder of the Stone Age.
At first, I thought the film’s narrator was the same raspy voiced dude from The Road Warrior, which would have been pretty cool. Instead, I found out it was the great Omar Sharif. Wow, 10,000 B.C. really did teach me something: Omar Sharif isn’t dead. IMDB says he’s 75 years old. Really? I was watching Lawrence of Arabia the other day, and Sharif looked like a Matlock devotee even back then. And that was 45 years ago! Look at the guy. 75? Unlikely. No offense, but he shares forehead features associated with cavemen. And maybe some of the social graces too. After all he did head butt a French cop. I’m sure he has stories about riding woolly mammoths to school through 10-mile thick glaciers with only the hair on his back to keep warm.
I was clicking through several reviews of 10,000 B.C. and I kept seeing the same observation wheeled around again and again: “Woolly mammoths were used to build the pyramids? Ha! That’s so stupid. I hate this film!” Oh you film critics are blessed with such bountiful pithy wit. But apparently this historical inaccuracy is a 3-foot needle in the armpit for most critics. Damn, I figured most reviewers would agree the film’s suckitude resulted from its blank acting, shitty writing, and dawdling pace. Nope. Fucking woolly mammoths laboring on the pyramids did them all in.
Giant ostriches are not scary.
