Well it’s that time of year again when we all make promises for the New Year and then ignore them immediately after the hangover wears off. In that tradition, I present some 2008 resolutions (and overall wishlist items and prognostication) for the movie industry.
*The writers strike should continue, and the brewing summer-time actor and directors’ strikes must occur for one-and only one-reason: to kill the Justice League of America movie. Even with George Miller’s involvement, not even the voice of God can persuade me this film won’t be a disaster. The very idea of a JLA movie is rotten as an Englishman’s tooth. Mixing together several famous superheroes with complicated backgrounds and fitting them into a 2-hour movie is a perfect recipe for a junk food shilling product full of silly-looking half-baked characters.
*If Cloverfield and the Star Trek reboot don’t deliver on the hype created by J.J. Abrams’ pointlessly enigmatic cockteasing, then in a public address to the world Abrams must apologize to the citizens of Earth for wasting our time and then be shot into outer-space towards the sun.
*If The Happening blows, M. Night Shyamalan can no longer place his name atop film titles-even in a porno such as One Night in M. Night.
*Quote whore Pete Hammond of Maxim magazine must be crushed. No matter the costs. He’s ubiquitous. He’s pointless. He’s a shameless blurb slut that’d provide a glowing blurb for The Birth of a Nation if he could: “A Mind Blowing, Spectacular Epic Bursting with Lovable, Rousing Heroes that Kids Will Cheer on for Centuries to Come!!!” There’s always been quote whores, but what really bothers me about Hammond is when studio marketers pimp his blurbs on films that legitimate critics adored. Seriously, what does Hammond have that Roger Ebert and The New York Times don’t-insert joke here in the comments section.
*Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull does not need any marketing (especially viral) other than that kickass poster. That baby just guaranteed $300 million in domestic box-office alone.
*The Dark Knight and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull cannot suck. Otherwise, fanboys across the world, this one included, will hold hands and dive off the Brooklyn Bridge.
*In the Name of the King, The Mummy 3, and the Death Race remake must flop harder than 10 million fanboys cannonballing into the East River. These movies must spell the end of the 3 worse hacks “directing” today: Uwe Boll, Rob Cohen and Paul W.S. Anderson. If these film hate-crime convicts continue working, the apocalypse cannot arrive soon enough.
*Don Cheadle must win an Oscar. Just because. Give one to Paul Giamatti too for that matter.
*If it’s true Morgan Spurlock found Osama Bin Laden in his upcoming Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?, then his next mission must be a search and find for Rick Moranis and Oliver Stone’s ball sack, which went missing with World Trade Center.
*Comedy genius Rick Moranis needs to come out of hiding and make a film (is he in the same cave as Bin Laden?). The world will be a better place for it. Such an event may even end the turmoil in the Middle East.
*Wesley Snipes needs to quit blaming everyone (it changes daily from the media to The Man to the man on the grassy knoll) for the failure of Blade: Trinity. Wesley, my friend, let it go. The movie flopped because it was worse than dick cancer.
*Roger Ebert can no longer be allowed to review epic fantasy films (see his 4-star review of The Golden Compass). Furthermore, Ebert must be put back on his meds if he turns in another review as lazy and misdirected as his catch-up review for The Fountain. On another note, Ebert must live forever-really, I love the guy and the world of film reviewing felt less genuine during his recent health-related absence.
*Since every trailer is using composer Clint Mansell’s scores to sell its film, then wrongs must be righted, and Mansell must be handed retroactive Oscars for his brilliant scores for Requiem for a Dream and The Fountain.
*Sex and the City: The Movie will have to prove it’s the most pointless television-to-film adaptation ever unleashed on an undeserving public. I don’t believe this will be difficult.
*The cinematic adaptation of Cormac McCarthy’s masterpiece, “The Road”, must hire Danny Huston to validate my psychic abilities. When reading the book in 2006, I told friends the director of The Proposition would be perfect for this material. And so he was hired. I also said, Guy Pearce would be great as The Man. And so it seems he has won the part. On top of that, I’ve always felt Danny Huston would be great as either the bad man at the book’s beginning or the good man at story’s end. And today I noticed he’s in talks for a role in the film. Tonight I play the lotto. (As a side note, this is the film I’m anticipating most in 2008.)
*After the fantastic teaser and I Am Legend‘s impressive opening weekend, Hancock needs to gross $200 million on its opening day. If not, then several moronic Hollywood publications (I’m talking to you Variety and Entertainment Weekly) will call into question Will Smith’s box-office appeal.
*Step Up 2 the Streets needs to answer two questions: Why does having Tyler Gage “in the house” necessitate a vocal joygasm and cream in the jeans? And. Why would anyone bother making a street dancin’ movie without Adolfo ‘Shabba-Doo’ Quinones and Michael ‘Boogaloo Shrimp’ Chambers of the Breakin’ films? It’s a goddamn felony in several communities to film a street-dancin’ flick without an appearance by Ozone and Turbo.
*The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 should make me cry as much as the first one did. I need something to throw my manhood in doubt every few years.
*Jumper has to conclude with Hayden Christensen lopping off Samuel L. Jackson’s forearm and blowing him off a tall building with electricity as Jackson screams “Not agaaaaaaain muthafuckaaaaaaaa!!!” If this occurs, Jumper is automatically the best film of the year.
*I will lose 45 lbs and donate it to Keira Knightley.
