The pre-show is over, and now the fun really begins. Together, we have made it. February 25th, 2007. You thought it would never come. I thought it would never come. We have lived through the critic circles, the Golden Globes and the SAGs. Before we are finally free from presumptuous predictions, pretentious predilections or phony piousness (no more gift-baskets!), we have one last, painful undertaking. We have bitched. And we have moaned (and moaned more). We have cried in the arms of those who love us. We have laughed like maniacs in a pool of our own insanity. Tonight, we do it all one last time and we have been given material. With this I present – The 2007 Oscar Awards!
I used to love the Oscars. Now I fear them. I am reminded of the movie Bronx Tale when Calogero (this guy!) asks mob boss Sonny (played by Chazz Palminteri) “Would you rather be loved or feared.” Chazz answers, “I would rather be feared. Fear lasts longer than love.” I can’t have Joan Rivers showing up in my nightmares anymore, so let’s try a little love and tenderness this year, shall we?
The show begins…
The show begins with a montage of actors, writers, directors and producers talking about the this and the that of the biz and being nominated. Pretty funny stuff. Eddie Murphy has the funniest bit where he just stares angrily into the camera. It works on so many levels.
Ellen is doing pretty well in her opening monologue, giving advice to award winners in their speeches: “Even if you’re not from there, people love it when you come from The Bronx.” Ellen takes a shot at Peter O’Toole! Then she says to him “Don’t worry, third time’s a charm.” He’s been nominated 8 times. Ouchy.
Ellen has a pretty good bit where she’s talking about the diversity of the people in the audience. Djimon Hounsou… Adriana Barraza… Rinko Kikuchi… Steve Carell. Carell’s reaction is perfect and makes the joke even that much funnier.
Okay, there’s this thing that happened next where a group of gospel singers came our to pay tribute to the nominees. I can’t really explain it, what’s important is that it sucked.
BEST ART DIRECTION
Maggie Gyllenhaal pimps the Scientific Technical Awards that were conducted in an underground bunker in Afghanistan (or so we think).
ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKE-UP
Will Ferrell is in song sporting the greatest man-perm ever. This is tremendous already. Whoa, Jack Black joins him. The song is about how comedians never get nominated. “I’m sick of this crap.” sings Will. More Will: “Ryan Gosling. You’re all hip and now, but I’m going to break your hip right here… right now! – Mark Wahlberg, I won’t mess with you, you’re kind of built.” John C. Reilly invades the song from the audience! My heart is aflutter. This song should be nominated tonight, it’s that good. The final chorus is great: “Helen Mirren and an Oscar will be coming home with me. Helen Mirren and an Oscar will be coming home with me. Helen Mirren and an Oscar will be coming home with meeeeeeeeeeeee.”
I’ve got Pan’s again. And it wins again. My friends are arguing with each other, saying this category isn’t on the pool list. I try telling them it’s on the second page. I can’t hear a thing. Just the way I like it. I’m 2 for 2.
BEST ANIMATED SHORT
BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT
The sound effects choir is interesting. It’s basically a bunch of people on stage making sound effects with their person (nothing dirty, though), syncing the sounds with the clips of films behind them. Michael Winslow, eat your heart out. It’s pretty nifty. Hey, you try doing it.
ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING
Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear partner-up on stage. I picked Pirates on this one. I’m afraid of Clint, though. I’m 3 for 5. Letters from Iwo Jima wins. I’m pretty sure the guy accepting the award was dug up from the morgue. He sounds like Ben Stein on anti-depressants.
ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING
Jessica Biel and James McAvoy. I have Dreamgirls winning this. The musicals always win this cat. I’ve never done the statistical research to prove this, but I like to tell people that. Dreamgirls wins. 4 for 6. I am He-Man right now.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Arkin wins. Poor Eddie. Live by the Norbit, die by the Norbit eh? I think Arkin dropped the Oscar, but I’m not sure because I was typing. They have TiVo here but I’m not about to stop the show for everyone. I’m 5 for 7.
Ellen kisses up to Scorsese and hands him a script she’d like him to read. Marty plays along. The guy is super likable.
Call me lame, but I like the little shadowy figures behind the screen they’re doing. Tonight when I go to bed, I’m bringing a flashlight and little birds made through the magic of my hands. I’m so lonely…
James Taylor sings that boring song from Cars. Etheridge sings the song from An Inconvenient Truth. I’m singing the “milkshake” song.
Gore and Leo come out to party. Yay-ya. Leo asks, “Have anything you want to announce?” Gore is in full zombie-mode, though. There’ll be no shtick out of him tonight, people. Yeah, he plays it straight and says something about the apocalypse. I think Leo wants to kiss Gore, but let’s keep that between you and me. Leo tries one more time, “Are you sure with all this work tonight there will be no major announcement.” Gore looks Leo in the eye and gives him a “Kid, I will have you killed” look. But then he turns to the camera and says, “Yes. I think I will. I’m going to take this opportunity tonight to formally announce my intention to…” But the music queues in true Oscar “Shut Up” fashion. Oh, sorry, Al, maybe in another four years. Wonder what his chances at presidency would have been had he not been “silenced” by the band? Ha.
BEST ANIMATED FILM
Cameron Diaz, looking a bit too Darryl Hannah in Splash for my tastes, makes her way on stage (Recap Part One reference. Check it out here!). I had Happy Feet forever on this one. I made a late change and switched to Cars. 5 for 8.
Ben Affleck introduces a tribute to writers feature. Love the Barton Fink clip. “THIS is my uniform!”
I haven’t mentioned it yet, probably because I don’t know what to feel but…Jack Nicholson is Kojak-bald. I’ve never seen Jack without hair, I don’t think. He’s had that receding hairlines since adolescence, but no hair? He still has the shades, though, he still has the shades.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
It was hard for me to get the desire to see Notes on a Scandal, and after this clip…it just got harder. Nice work. Monahan wins! He gives some love to Peter O’Toole, star of the movie that made him want to be a screenwriter, Lawrence of Arabia. I’m 6 for 9.
Chris Connelly thought it was a good idea to show his “horse-race board.” This is a wooden board with 3-dimensional little horsies to count the number of awards each movie has won so far. Ladies and gentleman, this is our lamest Oscar moment so far! You’ve beaten out some heavy competition so far, Chris, let’s see if this horse has what it takes to go the distance, though.
Connelly: “There’s plenty of more fun on the way, right Tom?” Tom Hanks, just making his way off-stage comes back with a loud, sarcastic “You betcha, Chris!” Ha! Even Hanks sniped him.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN
Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway do a pretty funny bit where they are both kissing up to Meryl Streep a la their roles in The Devil Wears Prada. Meryl Streep seals the deal, though with her stone-cold Miranda Priestly-like face. Not bad.
I have Marie Antoinette in this cat which should really win. I always like to check out what the winner wears in this one. Antoinette wins. I think the lady who won is wearing the Janet Jackson outfit from her “Rhythm Nation” video. Huh. I’m 7 for 10.
The Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award
Tom Cruise comes out to hand this honorary award for Sherry Lansing. When these ass-kissing affairs commence, I like to play a game where I add “for tax write-off purposes” to everything they say. For example, “She gave to the Child Kidney Foundation [for tax write-off purposes]. She helped children in Africa [for tax write-off purposes].” You get the idea. Hey, it’s better than having friends.
In all seriousness though, Lansing ruled the house when she was at Paramount and seems to have done a good deal of humanitarian work. Wait, I just got serious. That was awkward, wasn’t it.
After handing Marty a script, Ellen is now kissing up to Clint. Clint tells her he was jealous she was fawning all over Marty. That a boy, Clint. Ellen tells him she actually would like to take a picture with him for her MySpace. MySpace just cut Ellen a check for $40 million dollars. She needs someone to take a picture. None other than Steven Spielberg offers. Ellen: “Make sure we’re both in, Steven.” That’s funny. But she isn’t done yet. “Let me see it…okay, can you make sure it’s even on both sides?” The crowd eats it up. I suddenly realize there hasn’t been too much of Ellen so far tonight and she’s been pretty good throughout.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
This is one of the best categories nominated. Everything here is worthy in any other year, but Emmanuel Lubezki better win this. I fear the power of Pan’s though. Wow…just as I wrote that (you just have to take my word for it), Pan’s wins. Academy, you should have nominated the movie Best Picture! I’m 7 for 11. Seriously, how does Lubezki lose though? Did the Academy even see Children of Men? Laremy and I may have to re-discuss this whole Oscar thing. Next year.
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS
Naomi Watts and Robert Downey Jr. come out for Best Visual Effects. Naomi Watts, now that’s a serious visual effect. Downey Jr. makes a crack at his own expense, referring to his drug-troubled days. Can we hear it for R.D. Jr.? The guy has made a nice comeback. I’m 8 for 12 as Pirates takes it. The visual effects team spokesman takes Ellen’s advice and says, “Who would have thought four blind guys from the Bronx could make it?” Good job, guys.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
Catherine Deneuve and Ken Watanabe come out to pimp previous foreign film winners. Joan Rivers called Deneuve a snob to someone during the pre-show but I can’t remember who. That old hag…I’m starting to like her again.
Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett are about to hand the Oscar to Pan’s Labyrinth. Can you say “in the bizzag”? The Lives of Others wins! Holy Moley! This was an early favorite but how did Pan’s not win this? WOW. A pat on the head to fantasy-themed films. “Thanks, but no thanks.” I’m 8 for 13. I’m starting to wonder where it all went wrong. I’m thinking… birth.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Clooney makes a joke that we was throwing down drinks with Gore backstage. That Clooney likes the sauce almost as much as I do (18th glass for me). Jennifer Hudson wins. She’s been crying for five minutes and she hasn’t even made it on stage yet. She’s thanking everyone and blubbering. It’s a touching moment. Oh! The orchestra attacks her and shoos her away. That was Simon Cowell harsh. 9 for 14.
The pimp-clip for Babel got a huge response from the crowd. Uh-oh.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
Gael Garcia Bernal and Eva Green introduce this one. The Blood of Yingzhou District wins. Props to Audrey for that pick! I’m 9 for 87, I think. I think my hangover is starting already. Is that possible?
BEST DOCUMENTARY
Jerry Seinfeld gives us a little stand-up action. It’s pretty solid stuff, particularly when he’s talking about the messages we see lately in theatres asking movie audiences to pick up their own trash. “Look, when I’m done with something…I open my hand.” I’m 10 for 16 and An Inconvenient Truth wins. Gore just thanked Tipper! I’ve been waiting all year for that.
Honorary Oscar
The Clint makes his way on stage. Oh boy. Clint is having problems with the teleprompter. Should have worn your glasses Clint. He bumbles his way through the intro for Ennio Morricone, one of the greatest composers ever. We should note, however, that he also composed one of the worst scores I’ve ever had to sit through (his Mission To Mars score). Clint ends with “I should have worn my glasses.” Hate to say I told yah so.
Morricone speaks in Italian. Eastwood apparently understands him and translates. I know Clint did all those westerns in Italy, but damn! The good news is this thing doesn’t go one for 40 minutes like the Warren Beatty debacle at the Golden Globes.
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
My fourth-course! Penelope Cruz comes out with Hugh Jackman to pimp best score. If he touches her he’s a dead man. Stupid Hugh Jackman with his stupid good looks and charm. Pan’s should win this. However, I dug that Good German score. One of the few things I liked in that movie. Gustavo Santaolalla (for Babel) wins. That is surprising. I like Santaolalla’s scores, but this is one of his lesser ones. I should have picked Babel for Best Picture. I’m 10 for 17.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Peter Parker and Mary Jane introduce the cat. I picked Little Miss Sunshine but the inevitable Babel monster is going to eat everything up from here on out, I can feel it. Great nominations in this category. Little Miss Sunshine wins. Thank God. No disrespect to Guillermo Arriaga and Alejandro Inarritu, but I’m rooting for The Departed to win Best Picture. 11 for 18. I’m still ashamed.
Chris Connelly seems like he’s auditioning to go back to MTV. That’s got to be it, right?
J-Lo (isn’t she embarrassed by that name at this point?) introduces the three Dreamgirls songs. Everybody from the cast comes out to perform. Everybody. Nary a cast member is missing. What good sports everyone was to do that. Just shows to go yah. Oh, wait… Eddie Murphy is still in his seat. Huh?
Queen Latifah and Travolta (who?) finally announce the winner. I got “Listen”. Everyone in America has “Listen”. And the winner is … the Inconvenient Truth song? I don’t even know the name of it. The upsets are in all the wrong categories this year. I’m shocked. Who said documentaries were even allowed to have original songs attached? I’m going to the State Department about this to name names.
BEST EDITING
The good news is The Departed has won Editing and Screenplay… it’s almost silly if it doesn’t win Best Picture at this point because we know Marty’s taking Director. 11 for 19.
In Memoriam
I don’t have the stomach for this. I’ve sat through a dead people segment three times already this year, and I ain’t talking about Peter O’Toole’s birthday bash, either. Eat that O’Toole! Love yah man!
I re-heat some cheddar cheese burgers from earlier today and some slices of porterhouse steak. I’m going to have a fatal heart attack at age 35, I know it.
BEST ACTRESS
BEST ACTOR
Whitaker wins. 13 for 21. Big whoop. So far, zero surprises in the acting categories. Oh wait, they’re all gone. I’m getting delirious over here. Whitaker delivers a dead-serious but very solid speech. Nice.
BEST DIRECTOR
BEST PICTURE
Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson come out to announce Best Picture. I have tears in my eyes. I can’t believe it’s about to happen. I’m going to milk this one. When Ellen tells me that the show is over, I want to soak in the moment completely. Someone in the room here says Jack and Diane look cute together. I grab a knife and ask, “Who said that?” Everyone remains still. I’m not sure why I snapped, but you never really do in these situations.
Uh-oh. Keaton isn’t taking her medication again. She’s acting more wacky than usual as she recaps the Best Picture nominees. Please, Movie Gods, let Marty’s movie overcome Babel and Little Miss Sunshine. Do it for me. Do it for Marty. Do it for Tipper!
Well, I’m not going to delay this thing any longer. I have to hit the haystack and in a major way. The Departed took four out of its five nominations. That is one strong show. I’m going to sleep soundly tonight. LMS didn’t win. Babel flopped. And Marty has an Oscar. The Oscars came, they saw, they surprised almost no one. I was only 15 for 23 but I was 6 for 6 in my list of major Oscar Predictions (which you can read here: Director, Supporting Actors, Lead Actors, Picture)
…Yosemite Sam. That’s the guy Marty reminds me of, I think. It’s those bushy eyebrows. They’re like hairy little caterpillars.
Get a complete list of all the winners here and all of our Oscar coverage here.
