Guy’s, I’m spent and as I write this, the Golden Globes haven’t even started yet. But I’m done. Wasted. I don’t want to see one more gown; I don’t want to hear one more lame question. Somebody give me some Quietus (Children of Men reference, SEE IT!) so I can put myself out of my misery.
See, on the TV Guide Channel, at 3 PM EST, a good five hours before the telecast we had the hour-long Guide to The Golden Globes With Joan & Melissa. To think … they actually advertise that Joan and Melissa Rivers are going to be there. What, are they freaking nuts?
This, of course, should not be confused with the Joan & Melissa-less (thank you, a reprieve!), Countdown to the Golden Globes at 4 PM. Yes, for two excruciatingly long hours Countdown will vomit the sort of superficiality that would make any rational person take up arms in an anti-Hollywood jihad.
It doesn’t end there.
At 6 PM they force upon us… Joan & Melissa Live at the Golden Globes. No, I’m not kidding. It doesn’t stop coming. It’s like Michael Meyers or Jason Voorhees. It moves at a snail’s pace but it doesn’t stop pursuing. It relies completely on your stamina slowly breaking down to the point where you can barely run or see where you’re going. You get dizzy, your eyes miss that conveniently placed rock and you trip on your face. By then, it’s too late. Joan and Melissa sink their teeth in and begin to feast on your corpse like a couple of Tasmanian devils. It isn’t pretty, it isn’t fair. But that’s life… That’s the Golden Globes 2007!
Here are a few highlights…
The Joan & Melissa Live at the Golden Globe starts out ominously, Joan is nowhere to be found. It’s like what Spielberg did with Jaws, trying to hide the monster for as long as possible. All that’s missing is the dark, stormy night.
One of the first victim’s has arrived … Hayden Panettiere from Heroes (who is looking good). Joan attempts to pronounce her last name about 14 times, but all that comes out are slurs. I’m convinced she’s thrown down at least three bottles of Robutussin and has now lost the power to pronounce consonants.
Joan interviews more Heroes people I don’t know. I have to see this show.
Joan just told one of the cast members of Heroes that their show “pulled NBC out of the toilet.” Nice. A contract just went out on her life, signed using a peacock quill. If only I had the money for airfare …
I love the multi-cam option of the telecast. Three cameras of rich a-holes smiling. You gotta love it. No, I’m not bitter.
My eye just twitched for the first time tonight.
The Sheryl Crow I used to know was hot. In the words of Borat, “This one … not so much.”
Meanwhile, Melissa Rivers is interviewing more Heroes cast members (is anybody else going to show up?) and shows us again that it is not, in fact, her name that got her where she is today, but her powerful journalistic savvy when she asks, “Some of you have already been interviewed by my mom. What did my mom ask you?”
Holy Cow! Naveen Andrews (Sayid from Lost) sounds like David Thewlis in The Big Lebowski in real life! Who would have known?
Melissa interviews Borat’s fat Kazhak friend who is very American sounding. And funny. My mind is blown.
Uh-oh, Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine herself, just pulled up. She is being interviewed by Joan now. She looks like she’s going to make a break for it any moment. Joan asked Abigail, “What do you do to look so good? Exercise?” Joan … she’s ten!
I think I would marry Tina Fey. Yup, I’m pretty sure about it.
Joan just asked Robert Duvall’s wife, “When was the last time you ate?” Followed by, “You look wonderful!” Let’s hear it for anorexia!
Greg Proops is interviewing non-Hollywood bystanders who are out to see the stars. The beauty is he’s asking the same lame-ass questions Joan and Melissa are. You know, the “What are you wearing? Who did your hair?” The people seem confused.
Melissa is interviewing Svetlana Metkina from Bobby who is wearing a dress the nerds at MIT engineered to arouse every man in America. Thank you, nerds (for anyone paying attention, I have so far mocked the rich, the famous, the old and the intelligent).
Alec Baldwin is here. He’s had a great year.
It’s about forty-five minutes till show time. This is going to be a real test of endurance. Navy Seals should have to go through this.
Fashion knows no bounds, apparently. Melissa just asked Jim from The Office, “What inspired everyone to go with the blue button for autism over the usual red ribbons?” No really, that’s a quote.
Will Ferrell is sporting a serious throw-back fro. That is boss.
Rinko Kikuchi gets abducted by Melissa Rivers who starts talking to her a mile a minute. Kikuchi is looking pretty smokin’ with the blonde hair. She says the person she wants to meet more than anyone is Clint Eastwood. Melissa shouts, “Me too!” Uh-huh.
The Entourage boys are here! I’m in an entourage. I’m the turtle of the group, though. Hey, it’s a step up from Johnny Drama.
Joan’s chin just fell off. She’s starting to look like Jeff Goldbum three-quarters through The Fly. This is pure exploitation on TV Guide’s part.
YES!!! The cameraman just gave us an overhead of Salma Hayek. You know the boys at the station are going to be taking homeboy out for a round for that. Hell, just tell me where to make the donation.
Melissa is talking to Jada Pinkett Smith and for some reason feels the need to talk ghetto. The really annoying disco music is immediately queued for commercial as the camera crew wonders if Jada will knock her on her ass. I am willing to re-locate my donation funds to Smith if this happens.
It’s 8 o’clock. The pre-shows are over! I’ve made it!
Stay tuned for part two in just a bit.
