Box-Office Wrap-Up: May 26 – May 28

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#1 movie predicted correctly: 5 Weeks In A Row

Boy oh boy was I light on X-Men, I guess I should have realized the public was thirsty for mutants. The last one opened around $80 million, just like MI2 but there was a $70 million difference between how the third efforts in each franchise did for their opening weekend. So it does look officially like there is a Tom Cruise effect. $70 million is no joke, it’s far more than I have in my house for instance. Does it matter at all that X-Men wasn’t as good a movie as the crazy guys? Nope. Not even a little.

1. X-Men: The Last Stand $107.0m (My rank:#1 )
13 million people caught it over a three day period. That’s a ton, especially considering like half of America is named Aunt Millie and doesn’t go to movies because they are all filthy. Filthy I tell you.

2. The Da Vinci Code $33.6m (My rank:#2 )

Bonds hits 715 and the world yawns in celebration. I haven’t cared less about a story since the hockey guys found a way to split up billions and play ball (puck) again. Oh yeah, for the record The Da Vinci Code is the third best of the three summer blockbusters so far and barring a Pirates, Supes, or Vice mishap it will slog into last place, a reminder that Howard don’t do visuals.

3. Over the Hedge $27.2m (My rank:#3 )

I caught it. I liked it. I can’t complain. Kids could do worse. As it is sitting pretty at $76 million domestically I think we’ve got a sequel on our hands. Or is that blood? I get them confused.

4. Mission: Impossible III $6.5m (My rank:#4 )

I caught This Movie Is Not Yet Rated last evening and have come to the conclusion that the ratings system is incredibly idiotic. The best part is that the studios are complicit. What’s a dreamer to believe in these days? If Bonds and the studios stand against us who dares stand with us? Besides beer vendors I mean.

5. Poseidon $5.9m (My rank:#5 )

Simply a devastating financial result thusfar, but never fear, me and my hundred million friends have purchased our tickets on Fandango and are ready to launch Poseidon into the first slot it so richly doesn’t deserve.

6. RV $3.9m (My rank:#7 )

I just remembered that this guy directed Get Shorty a decade ago. That’s like going from modeling to sniffing model glue.

7. See No Evil $2.5m (My rank:#6 )

What are you going to do if I do see evil? You’re not even my real aunt!

8. Just My Luck $1.8m (My rank:#8 )

Back to the MPAA thing, here’s how ratings work. The MPAA hates small indie movies. They also hate gay flicks. Gay indie flicks? You might as well be selling pee flavored wine. So, if you grant that a flick rated NC-17 will never see the light of day I can pretty much guarantee you we’ll keep getting straight sex with pie movies and little else from here until eternity.

9. United 93 $0.74m (My rank:#9 )

I really do think this is the last time I ever talk about this one. I want to believe that sentiment like I wanted to believe saving Princess Toadstool was something worth doing. Otherwise why the hell would I go through all those warp zones?

10. An American Haunting $0.70m (My rank:#10 )

This is the lowest amount of money I can ever remember a #10 making. 700g’s? That’s walking around money for Mandy Moore. Hollywood spends that on hairstyles daily. Heck, I think that’s the total cost for a boatload of Turkish prosti… what? This is a family column? Sorry guys, I have to keep my PG-13 rating. See ya Thursday freaks.

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Box Office

Weekend: Oct. 25, 2018, Oct. 28, 2018

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