Box Office Oracle: Mar. 31 – Apr. 2


I was completely ready to break down every aspect of of the four newcomers this weekend until I looked at the theater counts and realized that the Ice Age deal was opening at damn near 4,000 theaters. 4k?? That’s no fair fight, that’s a massacre. The Oracle doesn’t do massacres. The Oracles does horse races and he bets on the seven horse in race nine.

1. Ice Age 2: The Meltdown $43.6m

I just don’t get how the animals talk. Is it like a modern day fairy tale? Or folk?

2. Inside Man $17.0m

I had an Inside guy at the deli a while back. Can you say Pastrami out the bootie? I think you can.

3. Slither $10.7m

Fantastic marketing campaign on this one. Way better than me and prom.

4. ATL $9.6m

I think I’m overestimating this one but I’m all about my brothers from other mothers.

5. Stay Alive $6.4m

With all the craziness going on, four new movies coming out, yet somehow this guy stays number five? I don’t know, the more things change the more they stay the same, right? Hey, I’m watching that show “The Loop” right now. Not really relevant, just wanted show off the genius multitasking ability to potential minimum wage employers.

6. V for Vendetta $6.4m

It’s a commercial so you are getting my full attention right now. How’s it feel? My masculine gaze firmly upon you, your heaving yet supple breasts. You smile at me but I look away, ashamed at my own powerful lust… oops, show’s back on.

7. Failure to Launch $6.2m

The new slogan for impotence control just got shelved.

8. Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction $5.8m

Is this a trend of movies being released with no hope at the box office only to go to “unrated DVD” status for the bucks. Shame on you Hollywood for turning your back on the theaters that built you. Also, if this had been called Whitney Houston: Crack Addiction I’d have been first in line.

9. Shaggy Dog $4.7m

I got your shaggy dog right here, pal. (hint: look in my pantalones)

10. She’s the Man $4.1

If I were a man I’d be really bummed out about all the terrible stuff that comes out supposedly “empowering” women. Yeah, just like the dog shows “empowers” doggies.

You guys know about this MySpace thing? Do you want a quick and easy pal? Click here for the dude..

Box Office

Weekend: Oct. 25, 2018, Oct. 28, 2018

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