Three movies go wide this weekend but one goes wider than the rest. Tim Allen‘s new venture has almost 500 more theatres than any other film. Why? Because a wider net will capture more suckers. Sadly this grenade approach to fishing will work and the worst movie ever will win the top spot. Let’s break this thing down anyway, just for old time’s sake.
You won’t believe how much I hate Shaggy Dog. Man is it bad. My review will be posted soon so I can’t really get fully into but let’s just say I consider a pretty good sign of the end of the American empire. I almost went temporarily blind, and if I had I would have been glad the pain stopped. Yes, it will win the weekend. You should really see it.
Failure to Launch is our next contender and it boasts the sexiest man alive as long as you don’t look too far. Heck I can even think of another Matt who’s sexier than that guy right now, Dakota boy Matthew Skager. Regardless I’m not here to argue semantics. I’m here to argue that the chick from “Sex and the City” shouldn’t be in romantic comedies. Why? She’s not romantic. She may be funny but 50 percent isn’t good enough for the big bad Oracle.
The last newbie is The Hills Have Eyes. B-Love liked it well enough and it could beat Shaggy Dog per screen but when you are spotting a film 1000 extra screens it gets tough to open numero uno. I don’t make the math rules, I just follow them. So that’s your weekend – You may want to spend it knitting. Regardless I’m morally obligated to bring you the top ten films of the weekend. I’ll also try and include angry words for your viewing pleasure.
1. Shaggy Dog $23.8m
At some point you think “What have I done to deserve this?” The only one who shouldn’t be rounded up from this film is the dog and even he should go without treats for a year. Shame, people, shame.
2. The Hills Have Eyes $17.4m
If the hills really do have eyes I better stop streaking through them or they’ll go snow blind. It will open okay but we’ve seen more horror flicks in the past year than the previous few combined. Somewhere someone figured out that horrors were cheap to make too and pulled half the romantic comedy dollars over to the scary side.
3. Failure to Launch $15.9m
Based on the trailer Matt McConaughey lives with his parents. What a sham. You just know some dude would have taken him in.
4. Eight Below $11.6m
How in the hell does this film stay alive? I may be overstating it this week because of the other dog film. Or maybe parents will make it a double dog weekend. The whole thing is pretty depressing actually. Let’s just move on.
5. 16 Blocks $7.3m
I’ve heard some people complain about Mos Def‘s voice in this one. People, Hoffman just grabbed an Oscar for Capote’s nasally voice. Are you saying you hate rappers?
6. Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Reunion $5.4m
Man, I remember this one time I went to a family reunion. It was awesome, basically a bunch of people I couldn’t legally sleep with for once. We need more gatherings like that!
7. Ultraviolet $4.6m
I think these guys should have marketed the flick as the official film of the sun. Who’s going to stop them, Ra?
8. Aquamarine $3.9m
Likewise the ocean would sponsor this one! It’s amazing no one has offered me a high powered marketing job with a buxom blonde secretary. Sigh. Who’s going to stop them, Poseidon?
9. Dave Chappelle’s Block Party $3.5m
Laugh it up America. Keep killing great movies at the box office. See where it gets you. Now go clean your room.
10. The Pink Panther $3.2
On the plus side Curious George and Firewall are history. On the minus side I just had a seizure.
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