Let’s start this off with a question: How does Jack Nicholson always get front row seats to every show, be it the Lakers or the Oscars. I need Ben Harper tickets for Friday’s show in Orlando. Jack, help a brotha out. You know you got ’em.
The show begins with a pretty funny sketch on the past Oscar hosts. Billy Crystal and Chris Rock are in a Brokeback tent getting too busy to do the show. Steve Martin is spending time with his kids (who have one white-haired wigs) so that, as Steve says “You know, they don’t grow up weird.” Theirs other clips of Whoopi and Letterman but they’re not as funny. There is, however, an amusing Mel Gibson sighting which is always an event these days. The verdict? He looks normal but you know he’s faking it.
Jon Stewart wakes up and he’s in bed with Halle Berry. We find out he’s still dreaming. He wakes up again and now he’s in bed with George Clooney. Not a dream this time. I expected a lot of gay jokes and so far the show is not letting me down.
Jon Stewart: “Thank you for being here…Ladies…gentlemen…Felicity…” So far, so good.
Jon gets in some good opening digs. He brings up movie piracy and sends a message to all the thieves out there stealing from Hollywood. “If you’re thinking of stealing from Hollywood…LOOK AT THEM! There are women here who cannot even afford gowns that cover their breasts!” The crowd is starting to warm up to him.
Stewart points out how Capote and Good Night and, Good Luck, films about journalists doing everything they can to search and report the truth are period pieces. Nice.
“Bjork couldn’t be here tonight, she was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.” You knew one of these was coming from Jon. It was a pretty damn good one too.
Stewart presents a set of clips from westerns that have more than a few homoerotic moments (when cut together). Good stuff, some awkward timing, but overall the show is entertaining.
King Kong wins. I’m 1 for 2.
Naomi Watts is looking right at me as she introduces Dolly Parton and her song for Transamerica… This song is awful but the Academy eats it up. I imagine an ACME anvil dropping on Parton’s head. I smile and wonder about my mental health. I’m 2 for 3.
Six Shooter wins. I immediately call Laremy up. Line’s disconnected. This is good news. I patch into the helicopter stationed above his house and give the order. They radio back that the bomb went off as planned but there were no casualties. Apparently the old boy was wise to my measures. packed up and shipped out. The crew lost him once he hit the airport. The thinking is the south-east regions of Russia. I have the helicopter team liquidated for their insolence. Blast!
I’m 2 for 4 thanks to Oracle Boy.
NOTE FROM EDITOR: The actual winner was The Moon and the Son, with an “O”. This means Dre’s rant was all for not, which actually does make it a bit more amusing… Enjoy the rest of the article!
Russell Crowe is at the Oscars! He is doing some serious community service. He introduces another clip on Hollywood biographies.
Narnia wins. I’m 4 for 6
Jon Stewart takes a shot at Crowe “I think Cinderella Man should have won…I can’t believe they made Russell Crowe look like he got into a fight.” Is he friggin nuts? He better have a minimum of 12 security guards on the way home. If he’s smart he will hold his urine and avoid the restrooms at all costs.
Lauren Bacall has an Elizabeth Taylor-like moment. I love Bacall but this was a little unnerving. Whatever medication she was on, it was either not enough or too much. She introduces some classic film noir titles. Great, more clips. That’s what these shows need. More and more and more clips.
Now this is good stuff: Jon Stewart starts talking about how ugly the Oscar race got and introduces some funny clips of supposed commercials trashing Charlize Theron while promoting Keira Knightley. Great satirical stuff. And was that Steven Colbert I hear on the ads?
March of the Penguins wins and I’m 6 of 9. They have those damn stuffed penguins Melissa Rivers wanted so badly. I’d like to give her one, only mine would tick.
Jennifer Lopez comes out, to introduce Bird York and the song for Crash. As if my night can’t get any worse. Her mom was my elementary school gym teacher, you know. She was nice. But until Jennifer returns my phone calls and gets the restraining order removed, she’s not invited over for Chilitos.
Meanwhile…NOOOOO! Interpretive-freakin-dance is being performed behind Bird York and a torched car. They’re walking around back there imitating scenes from the movie like a bunch of freaking zombies. This is horrible. It’s like Night of the Living Racists.
Memoirs of a Geisha wins. I’m 6 for 9. Ziyi Zhang looks PHENOM. The guy accepting the award just thanked Rob Marshall “Because this is really, truly his movie.” Wow, talk about throwing a guy under the bus. What a coward. That’s low, man.
Sam Jackson, the real in-house pimp, introduces even more film clips, this time of movies that attacked issues. Somehow, they included the movie 9 to 5.
El Presidente, Sid Ganis walks on stage accompanied by Howard Cossell’s blistering commentary. He’s walking down the steps. El Presidente gets shot! I repeat, El Presidente is shot! It’s pandemonium! You guys saw Bananas, right?
Gustavo wins for Brokeback Mountain. 7 of 10
Jake Gyllenhaal presents a clips of Hollywood epics. Come on. Really? They’re just fucking with us now. They want to cause a riot. So they could make a movie about it and make money off of the riot. Gotta love Hollywood.
King Kong wins. Nice. 8 out of 11.
Ludacris introduces “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”. This performance by Three 6 Mafia is weak. It doesn’t come close to the energy of the performance in the movie. And the interpretive dance stuff in a hip-hop song? I thought this song was supposed to be hardcore? What’s with the fey slow-mo stuff? I should have picked the Crash song. I know it’s going to win. Stuffy Academy voters…Wait a minute…it just ended on a SMASHING note by Taraji P. Henson. She hit the friggin Empire State building with that one.
“It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” wins! The Three 6 Mafia posse goes crazy! All the white people in the crowd get nervous. I see at least four people shift around in their seats, looking for the exits. 9 out of 12 biatch!!!!
King is Kong again! 10 out of 13. This is getting ridiculous. I shall have the White House in no time!
George Clooney has the honor of introducing the obituary clips. At least this is one I expected. This one always gets me. I am not about to embarrass myself in front of you people and cry so I’m going to leave the room until this is over.
Crash. 12 out of 15. This guy doesn’t stop talking. They did something different this year. Instead of having silence while the Oscar winner talks and then cutting in the music to get off stage, they immediately played music all through the speeches and would stop playing any music once the person went over their time. I know this only because this is the first time tonight they stopped playing the music. Pretty ironic that the guy charged with the duty of editing a picture is the only person who runs over his speech time so far. Huh…
Instead, Philip Seymour Hoffman, that wonderful actor, wins for Capote. Hoffman gives a great speech where he pays some serious love to his mom who raised 4 kids on her own. And, man, Philip Seymour Hoffman’s mom is pretty hot! Oh, by the way, 13 out of 16.
Geisha wins again! I’m a little shocked by this one. My run at total world domination just took a major hit. I’m now a disappointing 13 out of 17.
This feels like the longest show ever, and it probably isn’t even going to come close.
Brokeback Mountain wins. 14 out of 18. Yawn.
CRASH. 15 out of 19.
Paul Haggis takes so long his co-writer Bobby Moresco doesn’t get a chance to speak. You know those guys are going to have one hell of an argument on the ride home tonight. “You always do this, Paul! Every award show!”
“If you keep complaining I’m going to have Matt Dillon come and arrest you.”
“Promise? Tee-hee.”
CRASH WINS! I am shocked. I know everyone kept saying it was going to upset and that everyone that talked to an Academy member kept hearing Crash, Crash, Crash. But to me this was a clear quality issue. Crash is a good movie, but it’s not even one of the 5 best films of the year and people are going to look back at this in a few years and wonder how it won. The backlash starts here. 16 out of 21. I’m ashamed of myself.
Well, that is all folks. I know this was long and tiresome, but hey, the show, the whole day was long and tiresome. I’m not sure why we abuse ourselves like this. I guess we’re not much different than the whores that stay with the pimps that beat them. Don’t let Three 6 Mafia fool you, the real pimps are the white folks in the penguin outfits.
To check out all the winners in our fancy Oscar History database click here.
