Let’s start this off with a question: How does Jack Nicholson always get front row seats to every show, be it the Lakers or the Oscars. I need Ben Harper tickets for Friday’s show in Orlando. Jack, help a brotha out. You know you got ’em.
The show begins with a pretty funny sketch on the past Oscar hosts. Billy Crystal and Chris Rock are in a Brokeback tent getting too busy to do the show. Steve Martin is spending time with his kids (who have one white-haired wigs) so that, as Steve says “You know, they don’t grow up weird.” Theirs other clips of Whoopi and Letterman but they’re not as funny. There is, however, an amusing Mel Gibson sighting which is always an event these days. The verdict? He looks normal but you know he’s faking it.
Jon Stewart wakes up and he’s in bed with Halle Berry. We find out he’s still dreaming. He wakes up again and now he’s in bed with George Clooney. Not a dream this time. I expected a lot of gay jokes and so far the show is not letting me down.
Jon Stewart: “Thank you for being here…Ladies…gentlemen…Felicity…” So far, so good.
Jon gets in some good opening digs. He brings up movie piracy and sends a message to all the thieves out there stealing from Hollywood. “If you’re thinking of stealing from Hollywood…LOOK AT THEM! There are women here who cannot even afford gowns that cover their breasts!” The crowd is starting to warm up to him.
Stewart points out how Capote and Good Night and, Good Luck, films about journalists doing everything they can to search and report the truth are period pieces. Nice.
“Bjork couldn’t be here tonight, she was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.” You knew one of these was coming from Jon. It was a pretty damn good one too.
Stewart presents a set of clips from westerns that have more than a few homoerotic moments (when cut together). Good stuff, some awkward timing, but overall the show is entertaining.
glides across the stage and she look like a goddess, truly. George Clooney
wins for Syriana
. I thought he was great in the movie, so no complaints here. I’m already 0-1 in my predictions. Clooney scores with his speech
where he turns the “Hollywood is out of touch” accusation on its head a bit.
comes walking out onto the stage in a green leotard. He’s walking like Johnny Depp
in Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas
. He says how though the crowd can’t see it, the people at home watching are witnessing the wonders of green screen special effects and are in fact seeing nothing but his floating head. Very funny stuff because, of course, we just see him in the green outfit. Ben Stiller throws himself into the comedy and sells it.
King Kong wins. I’m 1 for 2.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
comes out and looks cute as a button. Wallace & Gromit
wins, predictably and deservedly. Also, it’s probably the gayest speech of the night so far. What? Gay means happy.
Naomi Watts is looking right at me as she introduces Dolly Parton and her song for Transamerica… This song is awful but the Academy eats it up. I imagine an ACME anvil dropping on Parton’s head. I smile and wonder about my mental health. I’m 2 for 3.
LIVE ACTION SHORT
Luke and Owen Wilson introduce the shorts. Let’s see if Laremy let’s me down here. He said Our Time Is Up will win
. The good thing is I know where he lives and can hunt him down in the blink of an eye.
Six Shooter wins. I immediately call Laremy up. Line’s disconnected. This is good news. I patch into the helicopter stationed above his house and give the order. They radio back that the bomb went off as planned but there were no casualties. Apparently the old boy was wise to my measures. packed up and shipped out. The crew lost him once he hit the airport. The thinking is the south-east regions of Russia. I have the helicopter team liquidated for their insolence. Blast!
I’m 2 for 4 thanks to Oracle Boy.
Chicken Little and some mutated duckling grace the screen. The Moon and The Son: An Imagined Conversation
wins. Huh? Dude, the Moon and the Sun haven’t been talking for YEARS. They are NEVER in the same room together, like a bickering divorce. Every once in a while, I’ll catch the moon spying on the sun while she undresses but I don’t say anything cuz, really, it’s none of my business.
NOTE FROM EDITOR: The actual winner was The Moon and the Son, with an “O”. This means Dre’s rant was all for not, which actually does make it a bit more amusing… Enjoy the rest of the article!
Russell Crowe is at the Oscars! He is doing some serious community service. He introduces another clip on Hollywood biographies.
and Steve Carell
come out and introduce the Oscar for Makeup. Their faces are doused in bad makeup. Carrel looks just frightening. Those eyelashes…
Narnia wins. I’m 4 for 6
Jon Stewart takes a shot at Crowe “I think Cinderella Man should have won…I can’t believe they made Russell Crowe look like he got into a fight.” Is he friggin nuts? He better have a minimum of 12 security guards on the way home. If he’s smart he will hold his urine and avoid the restrooms at all costs.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
comes out looking rather dapper. I’m shivering in my boots, this can go three ways…Weisz wins! I’m 5 for 7 and the woman carrying my child has won an Oscar. I couldn’t be happier. Okay, the papers say it’s Darren Aronofsky
‘s kid but you can’t believe everything you see in the papers.
Lauren Bacall has an Elizabeth Taylor-like moment. I love Bacall but this was a little unnerving. Whatever medication she was on, it was either not enough or too much. She introduces some classic film noir titles. Great, more clips. That’s what these shows need. More and more and more clips.
Now this is good stuff: Jon Stewart starts talking about how ugly the Oscar race got and introduces some funny clips of supposed commercials trashing Charlize Theron while promoting Keira Knightley. Great satirical stuff. And was that Steven Colbert I hear on the ads?
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
comes out and hands the Award to the Norman Corwin
crowd. How did this happen? Damnit! I’m 5 of 8, getting into dangerous grounds.
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
Charlize comes out. I’m rooting for Enron
but those damn Penguins
are going to shatter my dreams, I know it.
March of the Penguins wins and I’m 6 of 9. They have those damn stuffed penguins Melissa Rivers wanted so badly. I’d like to give her one, only mine would tick.
Jennifer Lopez comes out, to introduce Bird York and the song for Crash. As if my night can’t get any worse. Her mom was my elementary school gym teacher, you know. She was nice. But until Jennifer returns my phone calls and gets the restraining order removed, she’s not invited over for Chilitos.
Meanwhile…NOOOOO! Interpretive-freakin-dance is being performed behind Bird York and a torched car. They’re walking around back there imitating scenes from the movie like a bunch of freaking zombies. This is horrible. It’s like Night of the Living Racists.
BEST ART DIRECTION
Keanu and his date, Sandra Bullock
come out to announce the Art Direction winner. By the way, shouldn’t Keanu just drop “Reeves”? He’s achieved Madonna and Cher status by now, no?
Memoirs of a Geisha wins. I’m 6 for 9. Ziyi Zhang looks PHENOM. The guy accepting the award just thanked Rob Marshall “Because this is really, truly his movie.” Wow, talk about throwing a guy under the bus. What a coward. That’s low, man.
Sam Jackson, the real in-house pimp, introduces even more film clips, this time of movies that attacked issues. Somehow, they included the movie 9 to 5.
El Presidente, Sid Ganis walks on stage accompanied by Howard Cossell’s blistering commentary. He’s walking down the steps. El Presidente gets shot! I repeat, El Presidente is shot! It’s pandemonium! You guys saw Bananas, right?
introduces Best Score. I have no idea what she said, but I’m sure it was glorious. I was, uh, distracted.
Gustavo wins for Brokeback Mountain. 7 of 10
Jake Gyllenhaal presents a clips of Hollywood epics. Come on. Really? They’re just fucking with us now. They want to cause a riot. So they could make a movie about it and make money off of the riot. Gotta love Hollywood.
and Eric Bana
present Sound Mixing. He may never return to his wife.
King Kong wins. Nice. 8 out of 11.
TRIBUTE TO ROBERT ALTMAN
Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep come out and do a little clever homage to the style of Robert Altman. But it runs way too long…like some of Robert’s movies!
Altman is quite eloquent and doesn’t go on too long in his speech. He ends on a nice note “I think I’m here under false pretenses. A couple of years ago I had a heart transplant for a young lady, I think she was 38 or something…so the way I see it, I may be around for another 40 years.”
Ludacris introduces “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”. This performance by Three 6 Mafia is weak. It doesn’t come close to the energy of the performance in the movie. And the interpretive dance stuff in a hip-hop song? I thought this song was supposed to be hardcore? What’s with the fey slow-mo stuff? I should have picked the Crash song. I know it’s going to win. Stuffy Academy voters…Wait a minute…it just ended on a SMASHING note by Taraji P. Henson. She hit the friggin Empire State building with that one.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
walks on stage to break my heart. The Crash
song is going to win, I know it…
“It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” wins! The Three 6 Mafia posse goes crazy! All the white people in the crowd get nervous. I see at least four people shift around in their seats, looking for the exits. 9 out of 12 biatch!!!!
walks out with what looks like the same makeup job Will Ferrell had earlier. She also damn near falls on her ass. Now that would have been embarrassing.
King is Kong again! 10 out of 13. This is getting ridiculous. I shall have the White House in no time!
George Clooney has the honor of introducing the obituary clips. At least this is one I expected. This one always gets me. I am not about to embarrass myself in front of you people and cry so I’m going to leave the room until this is over.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
does some shtick and announces Tsotsi
as the winner. The guy who accepts the award must be part of the Pimp posse because he is taking it very much to heart, shouting about and whatnot. An obviously emotional victory. 11 out of 14. Tell all your friends, there’s a new mayor in town. Lookin’ like a Dre Day.
The radiant Ziyi Zhang’s English is improving. This is good news, I thought communication would be a problem between us.
Crash. 12 out of 15. This guy doesn’t stop talking. They did something different this year. Instead of having silence while the Oscar winner talks and then cutting in the music to get off stage, they immediately played music all through the speeches and would stop playing any music once the person went over their time. I know this only because this is the first time tonight they stopped playing the music. Pretty ironic that the guy charged with the duty of editing a picture is the only person who runs over his speech time so far. Huh…
is out to announce Best Actor. I know I gave Terrence Howard lovers some crap in my Head Scratcher article
but it wasn’t because I didn’t think he was deserving of a nomination, quite the opposite. Anyway, though Phoenix is my favorite, I’m rooting for him to upset here because Three 6 Mafia may end up throwin’ the motha fuggin gunz in da aya and we could have something truly special on our hands.
Instead, Philip Seymour Hoffman, that wonderful actor, wins for Capote. Hoffman gives a great speech where he pays some serious love to his mom who raised 4 kids on her own. And, man, Philip Seymour Hoffman’s mom is pretty hot! Oh, by the way, 13 out of 16.
. He’s one of those actors you can predict how he will say anything. His voice is a style rather than a real voice, it seems. Hmm.
Geisha wins again! I’m a little shocked by this one. My run at total world domination just took a major hit. I’m now a disappointing 13 out of 17.
is funny, but is it me or is his stuff running a little thin lately? Reese wins for Walk The Line
. I haven’t seen a script this predictable since, well, the last Oscars. She’s sweet and thanks the entire world. She finished with India and was about to head into Pakistan when a sniper from up in the rafters nails a dart right in her neck. I swear I have never seen anyone fall back flat like that in my life. It was like a piece of plywood being thrown back.
This feels like the longest show ever, and it probably isn’t even going to come close.
BEST SCREENPLAY (ADAPTED)
A goofy Dustin Hoffman
waddles on stage. “I’m looking at everyone who didn’t win, great work, people! Great work!” He manipulates an applause from the crowd. He must have been staring at Heath Ledger a little too hard because, in a stunning turn of events, Heath reveals it was he who sniped Reese Witherspoon from up the rafters and nails Hoffman with a dart to the stomach. Hoffman, confused and a little queasy begins looking offstage for help. Jack Nicholson
tries to snatch the gun away from Heath yelling “You maniac! What are you doing?” Heath elbows Jack in the face, breaking his sunglasses in two. “No! My glasses! You sick son of a bitch!” Michelle Williams then yells “Do it now, Heath! He’s getting away!” Heath breathes and slowly takes aim, Hoffman tries to run stage right, he throws one of the hot female ushers in front of them. Ledger nails the poor girl in the forehead. But Ledger remains cool and takes aim again, just barely scoring a hit in the Hoffman’s ass. How appropriate. All you can see from TV are Dustin’s legs no longer moving. Not so much as a twitch. No one else in the crowd seems to notice what happened. They’ve all fallen asleep a long time ago.
Brokeback Mountain wins. 14 out of 18. Yawn.
BEST SCREENPLAY (ADAPTATION)
watches Hoffman’s body get dragged away and, shivering, her eyes flashing down towards Heath Ledger
every two seconds quickly breezes through the nominations. Her hands tremble as she quickly opens the envelope.
CRASH. 15 out of 19.
Paul Haggis takes so long his co-writer Bobby Moresco doesn’t get a chance to speak. You know those guys are going to have one hell of an argument on the ride home tonight. “You always do this, Paul! Every award show!”
“If you keep complaining I’m going to have Matt Dillon come and arrest you.”
flies through the nominees for Best Director like a pro and spits out Ang Lee’s name as the winner. Lee is fairly quick with the speech and boots his own ass off stage. 16 out of 20. Brokeback
is primed, let’s just get this over with.
Jack Nicholson comes on stage with a brand new pair of shades! Gotta admire the preparation on Jack’s part. Nicholson announces the nominees in a way the proves once again he has become a parody of himself at these events. But he can still kick anyone’s ass on the big screen. You hear that Heath?
CRASH WINS! I am shocked. I know everyone kept saying it was going to upset and that everyone that talked to an Academy member kept hearing Crash, Crash, Crash. But to me this was a clear quality issue. Crash is a good movie, but it’s not even one of the 5 best films of the year and people are going to look back at this in a few years and wonder how it won. The backlash starts here. 16 out of 21. I’m ashamed of myself.
Well, that is all folks. I know this was long and tiresome, but hey, the show, the whole day was long and tiresome. I’m not sure why we abuse ourselves like this. I guess we’re not much different than the whores that stay with the pimps that beat them. Don’t let Three 6 Mafia fool you, the real pimps are the white folks in the penguin outfits.
To check out all the winners in our fancy Oscar History database click here.