The Pink Panther decided to haunt my dreams this weekend by claiming the number one spot. I figured I was sitting pretty after Final Destination 3 won Friday but it seems as though most of the prisoners were still waiting for weekend furlough. Maybe I’m guilty of judging this film too harshly based on the bad buzz last year. Still, I want to hear from the fans out there why this Panther was the best choice this weekend. If you can convince me we can probably run you for congress or something, your smarts and my lack of moral compass striving together towards victory.
Let’s wrap this up and bid this weekend freaking adieu.
1. The Pink Panther $21.7m (My rank #5, $11.3m off)
Why has the American public forsaken me? Remember how at the meeting I was like “guys, seriously we are not seeing this one under any circumstances,” and you were all “yeah, okay we get it.” Well what the hell guys? You think the meetings are big joke? Well I’ll show you who’s laughing when I burn down your house! Yeah, that’s right, laugh it up laugh-a-roo! See how funny it is when your pants are on fire!! BWaahahahahahhaahahaa (rage blackout).
2. Final Destination 3 $20.1m (My rank #1, $8.4m off)
My shining star got rocked BUT at least it finished in the silver medal slot. No, you don’t get to hear your national anthem played my little friend, but at least you get to stand on the podium. Later you will need to pee
in a cup.
3. Curious George $15.3m (My rank #2, $1.2m off)
Pop Quiz hot shot: If you had to choose between the watching the Pro Bowl and this which way would you go? I’m theoretically going with George because it’s shorter but I reserve the right to make my heart stop beating ninja style if actually forced to choose.
4. Firewall $13.8m (My rank #4, $1.9m off)
“But they’re only children!!” I couldn’t figure out what I’d seen the secretary in and then I did the research and
it turns out it was Punch Drunk Love, she was good too. That’s like going from Shakespeare to snuff films.
5. When a Stranger Calls $10.0m (My rank #3, $3.2m off)
These days a stranger would have to call quite frequently to get past my caller ID.
6. Big Momma’s House 2 $6.8m (My rank #6, $.4m off))
Momma.. just killed a man… put a gun against his head… pulled my trigger now he’s dead… momma… life had just begun… but now you’ve gone and thrown it all away. Momma… whooo whooo ooooh oooh…
7. Nanny Mcphee $5.2m (My rank: #7, $.8m off)
I’ve seen some pretty racy au pair stage shows in my day. Down in Tijuana, gulping down frosty tequilas… well
let’s just say we didn’t leave a tip if you know what I’m saying (you don’t).
8. Brokeback Mountain $4.1 (My rank: #8, $.2m off)
I know I’ve beaten the one joke to death about how to change the title so it’s an adult film.. so I’m just going
to elude subtly here, nothing too overt. Change the spelling, leave the pronunciation on the second word the same and you’ve got it. That’s it, that’s all I’m going to say. I’m too classy to repeat this one.
9. Hoodwinked $2.5m (My rank: #10, $.1m off)
I’m still kind of humming the Queen song over here. Let’s see… what’s a one liner for this one… umm…
Tomatoes are healthy! No, wait, that’s plain old good advice. How about this, the sequel to Boyz in the Hood wasn’t anything like the original. Sha-zam!
10. Underworld Evolution $2.5m (My rank: Not Ranked)
I was challenged to name a classmate from kindergarten and couldn’t do it. It’s only been a few decades and yet those memories have evaporated. I can however name a first grader. Johnny Toohig. Though I can’t tell you one thing he ever said to me I can tell you had long blonde hair and he’s probably a dentist now. His dad was a Notre Dame fan. Okay, let’s shut that door together, wacky Oracle memory time is complete, please resume your regularly scheduled day.
You can email me with my first name at the email service google owns. Choose your own adventure.