Right about now it’s almost time for the 12th ANNUAL SCREEN ACTOR’S GUILD AWARDS.
7:37pm: Jess Cagle is live from the damn read carpet! He’s with the CAST of “The Closer“! I just passed out from delirious joy! I mean, to be that close to greatness… it must be like touching the sun.
7:38pm: The wife asks who Jess Cagle is.
7:42pm: Whatever happened to the Blockbuster Awards? Did those even ever exist?
7:57pm: Forrest Gump just ended which I believe was the official SAG pre-show.
7:59pm: We just found out Jess Cagle is with People magazine. Kyra Sedgwick just showed up! She’s the star of “The Closer”. Hey wait a sec.. isn’t “The Closer” shown on TNT? Aren’t they also showing these here SAG awards? Cagle, man, where is the conflict of interest story pal?
8:00pm: We are LIVE from the Shrine Auditorium, which I believe is somewhere in L.A.
8:01pm: Randy Quaid is in the HIZZY! The gal from “Lackawanna Blues” is here too! James Denton is in the mix… Anne Hathaway… this is so star studded. Patricia Heaton.. all these actors are giving testimonials about being “an actor”. Sandra Bullock is the first presenter. It’s go time.
8:04pm: She’s honored to be honoring actors because she’s an actor too (Usually).
8:07pm: Sandra Oh wins the first “Actor”. She freaks out again… you figure after the Golden Globe she’d be a little bit more chill.
8:09pm: Ted Danson looks A BILLION!!
8:12pm: Kiefer Sutherland wins for a show I’ve never seen but will pretend to if people push me hard enough.
8:18pm: It looks as though the telepromter went out on poor Peter and Barbara from the “Mission: Impossible” TV series. They ad lib about as well as me once I’ve passed out from a 36 hour booze binge.
8:21pm: The cast of “The Closer” was nominated for best cast in a dramatic show.. I mean really? Was this contractually obligated? Thankfully the cast of “Lost” wins so we don’t have to call the cops.
8:32pm: Um… I can’t believe this but they are doing a a tribute to COMMERCIALS!! You know those things we all fast forward through or ignore? Yeah, it’s a tribute to those deals. And then they show the commercial that the person talks about. I am truly stumped about what to even say to this. The people are talking about how hard it is to do commercials. Huh. I don’t know what the hell is going on anymore. Is there a gas leak in here?
8:38pm: How was Candice Bergen nominated for a comedy series? “Boston Legal” is funny at times, but it’s not a comedy. It’s not “Night Court” or “Friends”. They use dramatic music and everything. Felicity Huffman wins and pretty much freaks out too. I thought all Hollywood was heavily medicated. What’s up? It turns out she loves all actors and also wasn’t good at math so that’s why was able to marry William H. Macy and win “The Actor”. There’s the secret folks.
8:42pm: SAG hears my complaint and throws James Spader and William Shatner in for comedy series too. Sean Hayes wins and you didn’t. You’re not an actor.
8:45pm: Jason Lee was robbed for “My Name is Earl”, it’s the funniest show on TV right now.
8:48pm: “Desperate Housewives” wins for best comedic ensemble cast. Some guy who looks 15 gets up there and accepts the award with all the Housewives behind him. I’m not sure if he’s the director or what.. but I am sure I’d card him.
8:54pm: The president of SAG is dressed in all black, just like a hitman. Clearly he’d kill to have this job. He rambles incoherently about the guild being all cool and whatnot.
8:58pm: Oddly enough it seems a bit like Shirley Temple was doing kiddie porn at age four. I think it wasn’t really considered that back then, but she played a kid version of film vixens, lingerie and all. Highly disturbing. Cute kid though.
9:02pm: Shirley Temple was an ambassador to Ghana and Czechoslovakia!! Get out of town Charlie Brown. I did not see that coming.
9:05pm: Shirley almost bites it on her way up to the stage. Can you imagine if that had happened? They would have had to call out the National Guard and declared martial law to stop the riots.
9:12pm: It seems like all the actors are having issues with the teleprompter. They may have put it in the dreaded 8pt font, which from 100 yards away would indeed be tough.
9:15pm: I’m cheering for Paul Giamatti to win… and HE DOES! Finally, someone throwing Cinderella Man and my boy Paul a freakin’ bone over here. He thanks craft services. I love this guy, a true American pimp.
9:28pm: Man, the Screen Actors Guild Awards have a ton of fluff and very few actual awards. I’m not complaining, I’m getting to sip my fine cognac instead of cracking one liners.
9:32pm: HBO seems to have a lockdown on these mini-series deals. The gal from “Lackawanna Blues” wins and credits her divorce lawyer. Well done there… if you can’t flip off your ex spouse while winning an award when can ya?
9:36pm: Paul Newman wins but he never shows for these things. How are they going to give you a lifetime achievement if you keep skipping Pauly?
9:49pm: Philip Seymour Hoffman wins for Capote. Another well deserved win, he’s been great since Magnolia and Almost Famous, it’s good to see him getting huge love. Only Oscar is left for him to conquer.
9:55pm: Overall the Screen Actors Guild Awards have seemed more just than the Golden Globes, but a little less entertaining overall. It’s just a smaller show but thankfully also shorter. I’ll be tuning in for the 13th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards unless the skip the 13th like old hotels and just roll into the 14th annual.
9:57pm: Crash wins for best ensemble cast in the upset of the evening. Brokeback Mountain‘s reign of terror is momentarily broken.
And that’s all we got! I hope you enjoyed this running diary as much as I did – and let’s make a date to do it all again for the Oscars baby. We’ve been through Globes and Actors, now we wait for the main event. Once you are through with the diary check out the recap for a more erudite opinion.
You can find more of Laremy’s pithy and biting prose right about here.