What a disaster. Big Momma’s House 2 destroyed all challengers and made my prediction of a measly $4k per screen look pitiful indeed. Your Momma made more than double that. What does this mean? It means either 3.5 million people decided to take in this wonderful film this weekend or alternatively 1.75 million people lost a bet and had to see it twice. Either way it spells doom for all things sacred to the Oracle, good film, good predictions, and beer with football. What’s that? Oh yeah, one of my loves is still safe. For another weekend anyway.
On to the wrap-up!
1. Big Momma’s House 2 $28.0m (My rank #2, $15.0m off)
Think about it. Over one percent of the United States population went to see it this weekend. One out of every hundred folks you know. These are the people you need to watch out for, they’re liable to hit you as they run headfirst into doors looking for candy. Okay, okay, I’m just bitter it blew up my forecast.
2. Nanny McPhee $14.0m (My rank #3, $2.8m off)
On the other hand Nanny McPhee came out better than expected. My gal Dame Emma Thompson is still a sexy, sexy minx even with the wart. Play on playa, play on.
3. Underworld: Evolution $11.1m (My rank #1, $4.9m off)
The right has demanded Underworld: Creationism for equal time. Hardy har, it’s a regular laugh riot around here.
4. Annapolis $7.7m (My rank #4, $1.9m off)
I know my calculus, it means you plus me equal us. Annapolis is also the capital of Maryland, the root “polis” is Greek for city or state. So it follows that Indianapolis is the city of Indians and Annapolis is the city of lady friends named Anna. “Anna Begins” is one of the Counting Crows most underrated songs. And thus ends the random wrap-up action!
5. Hoodwinked $7.3m (My rank #5, $.7m off)
Shouldn’t the past tense of wink be wunk? Like think/think or sink/sunk? Who made up all these wacky English rules anyway? This reminds me of a song lyric where a fellow belts out “if you snooze you lose and I snost and lost.”
6. Brokeback Mountain $6.3m (My rank: #6, $.2m off)
It is a weird title for the theme of the film, that’s all I’m saying. They could have made it a bit more innocuous. If I’m ranging into offensive territory just say the safety word.
7. Glory Road $5.1m (My rank: #8, $.2m off)
If you are keeping track at home that’s less than six percent I’ve been off on the last three. Hey, wait a sec, why they hell would you be keeping track at home?
8. Last Holiday $4.8 (My rank: #7, $.6m off)
Work with me on this theory I’ve been formulating… so she’s on her “Last Holiday” because she’s a got a tumor right? BUT… what exactly is her last holiday? Christmas? New Year’s? If she makes it four more weeks it’s MLK day. Unless they were going for “last holiday season”, in which case she’d have to kick off before the big apple dropped. I don’t think accuracy is a lot to look for around here. I’m sure there are whole departments and focus groups working on the name of the next Big Momma film. My suggestion; Big Momma 3: Not Greenlit.
9. The Chronicles of Narnia; The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe $4.4m (My rank: Not Ranked)
A chronicle is actually a series of events arranged via timeline without interpretation. It seems to me this puppy was all interpretation, up to and including the interpretive dance they do in the third act. I’d like to see Chronicles of the Cheeto before it gets to Laremy’s belly. The public demands no less.
10. The Matador $3.8m (My rank: #9, $.6m off)
You should know that Journey is the official band of The Oracle and Suzuki is the official dirt bike. Past that I’m open to any and all sponsorship opportunities up to and including mucho caliente lingerie.
If you enjoy long walks on the beach with snacks you’ll hate this.