Horrendous. Atrocious. Dismal. There are only so many negative adjectives in the English language to use and I probably threw most of them out there to describe this batch of films in their initial reviews. But I’m digging the bad memories up for you the reading public.
These are the films that when people ask me about them I just shake my head and walk away. They make my head hurt. These baddies weren’t worth the film stock used on them. Viewing any of these films could theoretically make you lose your mind.
Even when a flick isn’t quite bad enough to crack the top 10 I still want to warn people about it. Here you are:
Dishonorable Mention
Stay: If you gave me Naomi Watts, Ewan McGregor and Ryan Gosling I could make a decent film tomorrow. Give me $20 and let me go to town. I’ll just film them eating at Denny’s or something. That would have been the merciful thing to do. But no, the Stay people had to try “story” and “twists”. Super Yikes!
Just Friends: Comedy isn’t easy. If you want to see just how non easy it is, try and watch this nasty. If you must see this I suggest a 5th of your pal Jack Daniels beforehand.
The Libertine: Johnny Depp in a period piece that is a piece. The costumes were really authentic and the dialogue was really pointless. Well at least they got half right.
Match Point: I don’t care what they tell you. A long time ago they burned widows on their husband’s pyre and pretty much everyone thought that was a swell idea too. Swim against the tide on this one.
Okay. Buckle your seatbelts. It’s time for the ten worst movies of the year.
#10 Casanova
A love story without love. A comedy without laughs. However you spin it this was a brutal endeavor.
#9 Into the Blue
If Alba in a swimsuit can’t fix your film then damn near nothing can. Watch it with earplugs.
#8 Asylum
I know only me and four people saw it but it still was god awful.
#7 Hide and Seek
Man, somebody stop Dakota. The last good De Niro film I saw was Men of Honor. I know for a fact that The Bridge of San Luis Rey is on some bottom feeder lists which means Bobby is killing us right now.
#6 Derailed
A throwback to the 70’s when you could throw a bad guy with an accent in and call it golden. Jennifer Aniston was good in The Good Girl and bad since. A trailer for Derailed 2: Non-railed is the only way this could have gotten worse.
#5 Fever Pitch
Combined completely illogical sporting moments with a crushing lack of comedy. Anyone who’s ever watched baseball would note this was as realistic as the IRS giving you a break. Anyone who cracked a joke would notice they were missing. The wheels simply fell off.
#4 November
Courtney Cox Arquette wanted to be the worst former “Friend” and she’s made it (unless Rumor Has It is worse).
#3 The Honeymooners
Unbelievably unfunny. Cedric the Entertainer must be funnier walking his dog than he is in this. The fact that people worked to fail so spectacularly is a special thing.
#2 The Longest Yard
If they followed the original script this would have been okay. Sadly, they made changes. Kind of like if I changed your car by peeing in it.
#1 Underclassman
I’m actually grateful for this movie. Just when you think” this could not get any worst” BAM it GETS worse! Which makes it the worst. The absolute stupidest film of the year. I suggest renting it because you won’t be able to find copies once good Samaritans start burning them. This film WILL make you dumber. It’s that simple folks. Just by being near the DVD you may lose IQ points. Tremendously awful, gloriously terrible, terrifically tragic.
If you haven’t read Brad’s Ten Worst Movies of 2005 you can do so right here, and stay tuned as there are more looks back at 2005 to come as well as a look forward at our most anticipated films of 2006. It will hopefully be a great new year!
