DIRTY DOZEN #1: GUY MOVIES

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“Guy” movies are a dying breed. Too often these days we’re given films like Jerry Maguire or Fever Pitch, films masquerading as guy films with tons of romance in the middle. Even worse are the romantic comedies that don’t even bother masquerading such as 13 Going on 30. As the watering down of American movies continues its slow steady march it’s time to strike back in the one way guys know how, a top 12 list of GUY films.

12) Trainspotting: What makes it a guy movie: The fellas beat people up, do tons of heroin, watch soccer, deal drugs and hit on underage school girls. Personal Reflections: I knew this was the film for me when my aunt walked out of it and called it “disturbing.” I think she made it until the baby crawled on the ceiling. Possible Disqualifications: Ewan is a little too popular with the ladies.

11) Point Break: What makes it a guy movie: Surfing, gangs, Keanu as an FBI agent, Bank Robbing, Copious amounts of firearms. Personal Reflections: For just a moment in 1991 I thought Lori Petty was Demi Moore. And that Keanu was quarterback Johnny Utah, and you could solve a crime by going undercover and doing the crime. Those were heady days. Possible Disqualifications: The fact is Johnny Utah loved that chick. And that’s not so impressive.

10) Rocky IV: What makes it a guy movie: There’s no easy way out! There’s no short cut home! Personal Reflections: During the height of the cold war I think many young men turned to Rocky IV for guidance on global tensions, and it turned out Rocky was right. Possible Disqualifications: Anything involving Adrian is suspect.

9) Gladiator: What makes it a guy movie: Russell Crowe dispatches other warriors like a stone cold gangster. Personal Reflections: The fact is when Crowe asked “Are you not entertained?” I must admit, I was entertained. Sheepish in fact. Such was Crowe’s machismo. Possible Disqualifications: Well he went nuts because they took out his wife and son, and theoretically he was sort of fighting for another woman against Caesar.

8) Sideways: What makes it a guy movie: Two dudes hit the road on one last bachelor weekend. Personal Reflections: You had to like that Giamatti and Haden Church got away with absolute murder and debauchery all while screaming at each other. Possible Disqualifications: It involves a novelist and wine.

7) Usual Suspects: What makes it a guy movie: There was barely a woman in the thing. Personal Reflections: Came out at that tender time when you could avoid spoilers and the über-violent ending hit like a ton of bricks. Possible Disqualifications: Spacey as the devil himself? After Beyond the Sea it seems suspect.

6) Snatch: What makes it a guy movie: Bare-knuckle boxing, people getting fed to pigs. Personal Reflections: It’s damn hard not to like Pitt’s performance here. Possible Disqualifications: Well, Guy Ritchie married Madonna and made Swept Away. That might be enough to pull his “guy” card.

5) Reservoir Dogs: What makes it a guy movie: An EAR gets cut off! Personal Reflections: Cops getting tortured, people getting shot, the “stuck in the middle with you” song, this is what a boy wants, what a boy needs. Possible Disqualifications: Well, one of them was named Mr. Pink.

4) Die Hard: What makes it a guy movie: Yippee-ki-yay. The man kills people without shoes, on broken glass. He gives and he gives. Personal Reflections: Who didn’t want to be Bruce Willis after this? Maybe a different movie wife for me personally, but the rest I’d take. Possible Disqualifications: Bruce is trying to save his wife and she’s not that hot.

3) Falling Down: What makes it a guy movie: Michael Douglas gets to pull a gun at a fast food joint, kill a neo-Nazi, and have a potential shoot out on a pier! Personal Reflections: If I had a dime for every time someone quoted me a line from Falling Down back in the day let’s just say I’d have enough dimes for a few dime bags. Possible Disqualifications: He goes on the spree because he lost his daughter and he’s trying to go to her birthday party. That’s a lot of “feelings” for a guy film.

2) Heat: What makes it a guy movie: Pacino. De Niro. Nuff said. Personal Reflections: These guys robbed a bank and then attempted to shoot their way out of it. Their escape plan was essentially superior firepower against the L.A.P.D. You may not like the smarts, but the guts are there in spades. Possible Disqualifications: Natalie Portman, Ashley Judd, and Amy Brenneman (of “Judging Amy”) are all in it. I mean, that’s some girly girls.

1) Fight Club: What makes it a guy movie: Guys hitting each other as hard as they can. Psychotic multiple personalities. A guy getting severance for beating himself up. Personal Reflections: The personal nature of the violence in this one made it an instant classic. This wasn’t with guns, this was men dealing with aggression the best way men can. Possible Disqualifications: Norton’s love interest cheated with his multiple personalities. Sounds convoluted enough to be lady-like.

Honorable Mention: Mulholland Dr. (Lesbians), Punch Drunk Love (Rage), Pulp Fiction (Explanation not needed), Terminator 2 (Have you seen this boy?) and The Big Lebowski (The Dude).

What? You got a beef with my list? Well, head over here to discuss your thoughts in the forums.

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Weekend: Nov. 22, 2018, Nov. 25, 2018

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