10 Things I Hate About Freddy VS Jason
We all have them. Whether it’s a television show, a song, a book or a film, we all have those guilty pleasures that we’re afraid to tell others about. We’re afraid of their judging eyes, their biting comments and, worst of all, their mean tweets. In public, we scoff at these films. “Of course I hate Drowning Mona,” you say. But when the crowds disperse and there’s nobody around to movie shame you, it’s a different story. You close the blinds, put on your favorite onesie and put on a movie that you love to hate to love. Whether it was maligned by critics, bombed at the box office or enraged social media, this movie is one that you don’t outwardly exclaim you’re a fan of. Secretly, however, it’s one of your favorites. You love it in spite of yourself. You love it despite its many flaws and you love it despite your better judgment. And you hate yourself for it.
Much like Julia Stiles hates the fact that she loves Heath Ledger in ’10 Things I Hate About You,’ your relationship with certain films is just as dysfunctional. Still, you love these movies despite its flaws.
You’re not blind to these flaws, however. You understand why critics pan them. You just don’t care. That’s what this series is about- loving certain movies despite everything there is to hate about them. I am going to focus on 10 things I hate about certain movies, despite my overwhelming love for them as a whole. Maybe you’ll agree with what I say, maybe you won’t. Maybe you even love these movies too. It’s okay. I won’t tell, promise. Just sit back and let me speak for you. I am unafraid of the vitriol coming my way. I love these movies and I am proud to say it. But, there are still some things I hate. With that, here are 10 Things I Hate About: Freddy VS Jason
10) It Took Ten Years to Get There
At the end of Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday, Jason’s hockey mask was the only thing left of Mr. Voorhees after being dragged down to hell. As the camera zoomed in a familiar hand rose from the ground. This particular hand belonged to that of one Mr. Fred Krueger and as his razor-tipped glove dragged the hockey mask down into hell, fans salivated at the thought of finally seeing Freddy Krueger go one-on-one with Jason Voorhees.
They would continue to salivate for the next ten year because nobody could seem to get the script quite right. The script for Freddy Vs Jason went through extensive rewrites, in the hands of many writers. Scripts included an “old man Freddy,” a “Freddy cult,” Pinhead from Hellraiser and more. There were a ton of ideas but none of them were good enough to start filming. Freddy VS Jason was stuck in the proverbial “developmental hell,” for a decade before finally being released unto the world.
The wait was worth it though, as Jason and Freddy beat the, heh, hell out of each other for the better part of 90 minutes.
9) Kane Hodder Wasn’t Jason
With all due respect to Ken Kerzinger and his performance in Freddy VS Jason, he just wasn’t the Jason. For years, fans salivated at the idea of Kane Hodder’s Jason and Robert Englund’s Freddy clashing for the first time. It was even Hodder himself who lent his arm to Freddy at the end of Jason Goes to Hell. Hodder had been Jason for the past 4 films and he totally made the character his own.
So when director Ronny Yu decided to cast a different actor in the role of Jason, fans were pretty upset.
Kerzinger did a fine job for what it’s worth, but to many fans, Kane Hodder was the one and only true Jason.
8) The Story Was Pretty Basic
After all was said and done and Freddy VS Jason was finally released to audiences, the story was….okay. It was about as basic as you could get. Most kids don’t remember Freddy anymore and the town has quarantined those who do. To remedy this, Freddy enlists the help of Jason to start killing kids again, in order for there to be enough fear for him to come back. The problem is, Jason keeps killing because he is a mindless, emotionless shark. Freddy gets mad, they fight, etc. After the number of outrageous theories and suggestions of cults and rumors of Freddy molesting Jason as a young boy, New Line Cinema decided to opt for the easiest, and most basic road possible.
Sometimes, though, predictable is good. Most of the general public don’t really care about backstory and motivation; they just wanna see the two horror icons fight! That’s exactly what they got.
7) The Kids Were Pretty Annoying
Think of the best heroes or heroines from scary movies. Laurie Strode. Nancy Thompson. Tommy Jarvis. Andy Barclay. The reason those characters have lasted as long as they have is because audiences actually care about them. They’ve invested themselves in the characters’ well-being.
Compare that with the kids from Freddy VS Jason. Do you even remember their names? There was the girl from Dawson’s Creek, the girl from Ginger Snaps, Not-Beyonce and Not-Jay. And John Ritter’s kid. They were unmemorable at best and downright annoying at worst. When fans are cheering the deaths of your main characters, there’s a problem.
Yes, fans mostly wanted to see Freddy and Jason fight, but it would have been nice to invest in a human character as well.
John Ritter’s kid’s friend was pretty cool though. We liked him and would have welcomed more of him on screen before his inevitable death.
6) Not-Beyonce Called Freddy Krueger a “F*ggot in a Christmas Sweater”
Not super PC, Not-Beyonce.
But it was pretty funny. And she got her comeuppance shortly thereafter courtesy of Jason. We like her original fate though. Supposedly, Not-Beyonce was supposed to come face to face with Jason and basically reenact Nancy’s monologue from the original Nightmare on Elm Street, only for Freddy to tell her she had the wrong guy. Then Jason destroys her. It’s pretty funny and much less offensive.
5) Freddy Only Kills, Like, One Person
We understand that Freddy Krueger is more of a psychological predator than an outright killing machine like Jason, but one kill? One kill?? It was a travesty of epic proportions. To make matters worse, he killed the one character that audiences actually cared a little about. We think he could have had fun with boyfriends and virgins and townies, oh my.
Fans of Jason probably weren’t super disappointed though. Homeboy got A LOT of action in this film, racking up a body count that is quite impressive for a 45-year-old zombie monster.
4) So…Jason Is or Isn’t Afraid of Water?
Water has played an important role in the life of Jason Voorhees. It was the cause of his ‘death’ back in 1957 and the majority of his killings happened at or near a lake. He even spent a significant amount of time underwater between Friday the 13th Parts 6 and 7. He also, like, swam to New York City in Part 8.
Yet in Freddy VS Jason, he was perceived as being afraid of water. Except when he wasn’t. He wouldn’t fight Freddy because of the water, but he had no problem battling Krueger to the death on a dock by his precious Crystal Lake. I mean, he’s called the “Crystal Lake Killer” for God’s sake. You can’t have a nickname based on water and be afraid of it, y’know?
3) Since When Could Freddy Turn Into a Dream Demon
Towards the end of Freddy VS Jason, right as Freddy is about to kill a younger version of Mr. Voorhees, Unmemorable Teenager #1 wakes Jason up, causing Freddy to fly into a fit of rage.
This was not just any rage, mind you. Freddy full on shape shifted into a demon monster.
Uh, when was that ever something Freddy could do? There was not one movie in the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise that saw Freddy morph into “Dream Demon Freddy.” Yes, he kind of shifted in Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, but that was an out of canon film anyway and, technically, it wasn’t actually Freddy.
Yet in Freddy VS Jason, he straight up Hulked Up because he was so angry. Weird.
2) There Was No Conclusive Ending
And yes, we get that the ending was purposefully left vague, but nobody wants to tune into the “fight of the century” and have it end in a draw. At the end of Freddy VS Jason, both of the titular characters have basically destroyed each other. Freddy stabbed Jason with his own machete, and Jason ripped off Freddy’s arm and impaled him with his own Razor Glove.
To make matters worse, it was ‘Whatshername’ that landed the ‘killing blow’ on Freddy by cutting his head off. If that was the end, fine. We wouldn’t be happy about it but it least it was an actual end.
Instead, the final scene is one of Jason rising up from the water, Freddy’s head in tow. It looked as if Jason was the victor but before the film would fade to black, Freddy gives one last knowing wink to the audience. Presumably, this was done to set up a sequel but one never materialized. So nobody one and we never even got the rematch.
It was a heck of a battle though. Was it worth the 10-20 year wait? Eh. But it was a fairly entertaining film and was definitely one of the better sequels of each respective franchise. Which leads us to the number one reason we hate Freddy Vs Jason.
1) But Mostly
Mostly I hate the way I don’t hate Freddy VS Jason. Not even close, not even a little bit.
Not even at all.