Seeing the word Dont in the title of a horror flick immediately triggers a set of expectations for the film to follow. First, you know there will be some sort of terrible cause and effect in play if youre advised Dont Answer the Phone, you know that answering the phone will mean something unpleasant. Second, you know someone is totally going to answer that phone. Which means theres a ticking clock of expectation as you wait for the phone to ring. And third, the title probably has almost zero to do with whats really going on in the film.
In an attempt to discover a common thread in Dont films, weve compiled a list of (almost) every one we could find.
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Sean Abley is a playwright, screenwriter, journalist, and zombie enthusiast. His writing has appeared in The Advocate, Unzipped, Fangoria as well as Fangoria.com and ChillerTV.com. His latest book is OUT IN THE DARK: INTERVIEWS WITH GAY HORROR FILMMAKERS, ACTORS AND AUTHORS.
Don't Read this List
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Don't Read this List #1
Don't Torture a Duckling (1972)
Lucio Fulci had a long filmography before …Duckling, but movie scholars most often point to this tale of child murder as the beginning of his giallo phase. Young boys (the ducklings of the title) are being murdered in a small Italian town, and the suspect list is as long as the local phonebook. Although overpraised by giallo nerds (the pace, direction and some of the performances are lacking for different reasons), …Duckling definitely has its merits, including some nice graphic violence.
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Don't Read this List #2
Don’t Look in the Basement (1973) aka The Forgotten
This grimy low budget flick is cherished by exploitation fans for its rough edges, including some brutal kills shot in such a frank way, you’ll feel you’re watching a documentary on murder. Playboy Playmate Rosie Holotik plays “Charlotte,” an insane asylum nurse who has the misfortune of arriving for her first day on the job mere moments after the murder of the head doctor (with an axe) and nurse (with a suitcase) by two of the inmates. This leaves Dr. Masters (Anne MacAdams) in charge of the nuthouse, and reluctantly allows Charlotte to stay and fulfill her duties.
General depravity ensues, with patients getting knocked off one-by-one until the truly disturbing finale. Director S. F. Brownrigg (a name that totally sounds like a porn director’s pseudonym) and screenwriter Tim Pope ladle on the unpleasantness with a deft touch, more than films of this ilk typically deserve. If …Basement ever plays in a revival drive-in, don’t hesitate…
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Don't Read this List #3
Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (1973) and Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (Remake, 2010)
Leading lady Kim Darby is completely miscast, but don’t let that keep you from checking out the original version of this film, a superior example of made-for-TV terror from one of the better eras for small screen horror. The title is a complete lie—Darby should totally be afraid of the dark, because gremlins from H-e-double hockey sticks are living in the basement of her new house and they have eyes only for her. Darby seems more like on-screen husband Jim Hutton’s daughter than his wife, and her fragile demeanor can be cloying after about thirty minutes in. But the ominous dread is layered as thick as the dust covering the old house, and the ending, particularly in context of the medium and year of production, is quite shocking.
The Guillermo del Toro-written remake, starring Katie Holmes, ups the budget but keeps the same story, with the slight difference of adding a small child to the family (Bailee Madison). Holmes and Madison basically split Darby’s role right up until the ending.
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Don't Read this List #4
Don’t Look Now (1973)
In this writer’s opinion, the 70s were the last great era of film. Yes, we’ve had amazing work over the last 40+ years, and CG effects are exciting, but storytelling was key in the 1970s, physical production was actually physical, and we hadn’t lost art to focus groups and test screenings (although we would soon enough). A prime example is Nicolas Roeg’s Don’t Look Now (screenplay by Allan Scott and Chris Bryant, based on the short story by Daphne du Maurier), where the method of storytelling is informed by the story, and vice versa, and you actually have to pay attention to understand the plot. After losing their child in a drowning accident, Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie travel to Venice for both emotional reparation and Sutherland’s work. After Christie meets a blind psychic, and Sutherland catches a glimpse of a young girl who might be his late daughter, the narrative begins to fold in on itself, and further plot details would verge on spoilers. And the sex scene ain’t bad, either…
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Don't Read this List #5
Don’t Open the Door (1974)
S.F. Brownrigg’s Don’t Look in the Basement follow-up should probably be called “Don’t Answer the Phone” (a title eventually used for another film) or “Don’t Open the Door to the House Where Your Mom Was Murdered.” A young lady returns home (the one where her mother was murdered, see alternate title above) to usher her dying grandmother into the afterlife. Before you can say, “Don’t answer the phone…” (ditto) a psycho nutjob starts tormenting the girl with obscene phone calls and random murders. Less aggressively nasty than …Basement, but still filled with the director’s signature weirdos and cinema verite-style camera work (probably the result of necessity rather than a stylistic choice), Don’t Open the Door is further proof Brownrigg should have had more success as a filmmaker.
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Don't Read this List #6
Don't Go in the House (1979)
This sleazy little number features a very task-oriented serial killer. He’s constructed a room in his home with shackles hanging from the ceiling, and walls completely lined with metal sheeting. Why? Well, after being punished by having his arm held over the open flame of a gas stove as a child, Donny grew up to be the “Master of the flame,” a title with the authority to torch hookers with a flamethrower. The tone is very Maniac, which this film predates by a year, and fans of the latter will recognize a very similar climax, as Donny’s charred victims come to life and drive him to his own demise.
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Don't Read this List #7
Don't Answer the Phone! (1980)
If you’re a fan of watching women tortured and murdered while they’re topless, well this is the film for you. Character actor Nicholas Worth stars as “Kirk Smith,” Vietnam vet and lady strangler. The phone in question belongs to radio shrink Dr. Lindsay Gale (Flo Gerrish aka Flo Lawrence), whose program Smith calls on the regular to grouse about various ailments, and ultimately to strangle a prostitute live on the air. Despite the exploitation veneer, Don’t Answer the Phone does aim a bit higher than most grindhouse fare, with some pseudo-psychological underpinnings as motivation for Smith’s misogynist hobby.
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Don't Read this List #8
Don’t Go In the Woods (1981)
Ignoring the title, a group of campers heads off into the woods, only to be stalked and killed by a guy who looks like he wandered off the set of The Hills Have Eyes. This film is quantifiably terrible, but beloved by a certain set of bad film enthusiasts. Let’s start with the title, which suggests someone is telling us not to Number One or Two (“go”) in the woods. Next is the awful dubbing—the entire film is looped with zero effort to marry the new voice tracks to the natural sound of the locations. And who is Angie Brown, the one actor who gets the “and” credit with a box around her name? A mystery. What Don’t Go In the Woods does have going for it is a lot of violence, including some bloody kills of some really, really annoying tourists, and a certain DIY charm missing from so many other forgettable, truly bad films. For those curious about what ever became of the cast and crew of this should-have-been-obscure film, check out the documentary on the DVD release.
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Don't Read this List #9
Don’t Look Up (1996) aka Ghost Actress and Don’t Look Up (American remake, 2009)
Directed by Hideo Nakata (Ringu, Dark Water), the original Don’t Look Up documents the spiral into madness by a film director haunted by images of a long dead actress. Incorporating J-horror tropes of non-linear storytelling, disregard for logical explanation, and the viewer’s emotional journey taking precedence over substantive content, Nakata’s film leads us down the rabbit hole right beside the main character. The American remake, by Hong Kong director Fruit Chan (creator of the unsettling Dumplings), changes the plot up a bit, incorporating more backstory, but the confusing plot remains. As with most J-horror flicks, stick with the original.
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Don't Read this List #10
The Haunting Hour: Don't Think About It (2007)
R.L. Stine gets in on the “Don’t” act with his tale of a fictional two-headed monster released into our realm courtesy of Emily Osment and Saw’s Tobin Bell. After selling Osment a book called “The Evil Thing,” Bell instructs the girl to neither read the tome aloud, nor think about the titular monster. Of course Osment’s younger brother ignores this advice, and soon a blood sucking (one head) and meat eating (second head) creature is set loose in the neighborhood. As with most Stine material, the tone is scarier than one might think, but definitely only for the pre-teen set.
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Don't Read this List #11
Don’t (2007)
Sadly, we can only find the trailer for this lost film. But the few who have seen the entire feature assure us this is the ultimate in “Don’t” cinema.
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Don't Read this List #12
Don't Look in the Cellar (2008)
You have kids breaking into an asylum (which looks suspiciously like a regular house) and a serial killer with a burlap sack over his head and a smiley face on the front. That’s pretty much it for 90 minutes. Super low budget, with great DVD box cover art.
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Don't Read this List #13
Rest Stop: Don't Look Back (2008)
The brother of the lead character in Rest Stop (2006) travels to California in search of his missing sister. The Winnebago family is back (including the great Diane Salinger), but the main baddie this time is The Driver (Brionne Davis), the ghost of a truck driver killed by the family years before. There’s a lot of “Wait, is that person really there?” as the story unfolds, and the plot is a bit convoluted, but if you liked the underrated original, you’ll definitely enjoy this sequel. One of only six films released by Warner Bros.’ presumably dormant low budget label, Raw Feed in the mid-2000s.
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Don't Read this List #14
Don’t Go In The Woods (2010)
Vincent D’Onofrio’s directorial debut, a self-described “horror musical,” (not a remake of the 1981 film of the same name) gets an “A” for effort, but a “C-“ for execution. On the hunt for a remote location for a song writing retreat, a rock band rolls out to the woods, literally ignoring a sign on the road that advises, “Don’t Go In the Woods…”
A group of their female friends also ignores the sign and joins the boys, totally interrupting their flow, man… In between jams the band and their lady friends are brutally murdered. Oh, did I mention the lead singer of the band destroyed everyone’s cellphones so as to not interrupt the creative process? Sigh… The film isn’t really a musical, but a film with music performed by the band as they jam. The cast is almost all non-actors, and the plot just meanders toward the not-so-shocking reveal at the end. Definitely a B-side.
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Don't Read this List #15
Don't Let Him In (2011)
A group of not-so-smart Brits decide to spend the weekend in a remote cottage, but when they arrive they’re informed a local serial killer is on the loose. The locals have named the maniac “Tree Surgeon,” because he cuts up his victims and decorates trees with the body parts. (I shit you not.)
On the first evening a stranger arrives, slashed across the stomach. Is he the killer? Don’t Let Him In arrived with a lot of hype in Britain, but ultimately failed to break out of the very crowded horror pack to any widespread acclaim.
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Don't Read this List #16
Don't Go to the Reunion (2013)
Billing itself as homage to slashers of the 80s, Don’t Go to the Reunion is actually just an amateur DIY low budget 80s-type slasher without the wit needed for satirical context. Well, unless you count the screenwriter naming characters after famous horror directors. (Does anyone still think this is original? More importantly, do they really think said directors are flattered?) Take the title at its word…
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Don't Read this List #17
Don’t Blink (2014)
Ever since Cabin In the Woods wrapped up the cabin in the woods genre into a nice navel gazing package, all other cabin in the woods films feel trite by comparison. One exception may be Don’t Blink, an above average thriller set… in a cabin in the woods.
After discovering what appears to be the former tenants’ lives interrupted (food on the table, bath drawn, etc.), ten new vacationing renters start disappearing with no explanation. And that doesn’t change – we’re offered no explanation as to why some disappear and some don’t, although there are theories spouted at various points from various remaining characters. What we do get is a human nature piece examining the real reactions to unreal events by an excellent cast, lead by Mena Suvari and Brian Austin Green.
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Don't Read this List #18
Don't Look in the Basement 2 (2015)
The much anticipated sequel to the 1973 original is slowly making the film fest rounds, garnering largely positive reviews.
Directed and co-written by S.F. Brownrigg’s son, Anthony, …Basement 2 begins with Sam, the childlike hulk who took an axe to most of the patients in the first film, arriving at a new mental facility. As tempers flare and violence erupts among the doctors and staff, one wonders – did Sam bring the ghosts of the past with him to his new home? According to their Facebook page, …Basement 2 recently acquired a distributor, so hopefully this legacy project will be available for a wider audience soon.
