Box-Office Oracle: Jan. 20 – Jan. 22

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I know you’re hungry and thirsty for the predictions. I’m yearning to give them to ya too so I can get on with my regularly scheduled dinner but we have some bidness to take care of first. What bidness you ask? Why the new movies opening this weekend of course you big sillyhead.

First off though I’ll tell you a film we’re not going to talk about; Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World. Why aren’t we talking about it? Because it’s only opening in 161 theaters. That’s nothing. It would have to average over $30,000 a screen to sniff my top 10. Plus it doesn’t even look that funny. There’s two reasons we can’t even mention Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World right there.

That said, the first contender is Underworld: Evolution. Let’s see here, it’s got 1) A bankable hotsie totsie star and 2) ZERO competition. It won’t even be close. Underworld: Evolution will win in a landslide. If it was a fight they would have called it already.

End of the Spear is the other film of note this weekend and it too will make the top 10 because nothing else is out. If this were December it wouldn’t have made the top 20. Frankly the marketability of this film is in question as I haven’t heard the public clamoring for Waodani tribesman tales. Maybe I don’t hang with the right crowds. Regardless it will come in a solid 9th because why? Say it with me all together people “Nothing else is out”. I’m not complaining though, soon it will be back to difficult Oracle with tough choices between competing good movies.

1. Underworld: Evolution $24.7m

Has anyone ever heard of the band called Underworld? They were on the Trainspotting soundtrack with a song I believe was called “Born Slippy”. Highly diggable. Clearly not relevant at all. Let’s just move on.

2. Glory Road $10.1m

Glory Road made me look like a fool last weekend and if there’s one mantra I live by it’s “I shan’t be made a fool of.” A pox on your house Glory Road.

3. Hoodwinked $9.6m

The little animation that could. The thesaurus shows the closest word to Hoodwinked is duped. And of course we all know victims of duping have probably been victims of chicanery too. We are raising the vocab bar together, one reader at a time.

4. Last Holiday $6.8m

Okay, here you go, some trivia: Latifah means “delicate” in Arabic. Does anything about this gal strike you as delicate? I’m pretty sure she could beat the living hell out of me. You too for that matter.

5. Brokeback Mountain $6.0m

5th baby, 5th. This puppy is rising faster than.. well..um… Paul Reiser? C’mon people, it’s not like you come here for smarts.

6. Hostel $5.9m

I picked you #1 last week, you filthy bastard, and you broke my heart. You broke it in a thousand pieces and I won’t ever forget it. If you think Wham was bitter and angry with that Christmas song you haven’t seen anything yet.

7. Fun with Dick and Jane $5.4m

The thing is they rob coffee shops and such even though they are average middle class folks. It’s all supposed to be crazy wild fun with a MONSTER pay-off at the end. If you miss this you better be dead or in jail… and if you’re in jail… BREAK OUT!

8. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe $5.0m

If you had to make a kid’s film WITH a talking lion how could you not at least MENTION the dude from The Wizard of Oz?? Some sort of shout-out is all I’m looking for. Roots, people. Roots.

9. End of the Spear $4.1m

I just can’t imagine how this got funding and my story about a girl band that’s duped into becoming terrorist spies before they unravel the plan and perform one hell of an encore in the third act continues to get passed on. No one said life was fair, eh?

10. Tristan and Isolde $3.7

To all you folks who are giving this flick an A+ over in the reader rankings know this; I’m watching. Watching and waiting for my chance to strike. Like a rattlesnake. So, yeah, if that means Tristan and Isolde 2: Irish Eyes are Smilin’ gets graded a D in silent yet purposeful retribution so be it. The gauntlet has been thrown.

Check out Laremy’s movie book here because clearly he’s in a lot of internal turmoil.