The 2014 Oscar Swag Bag: Free Hair Transplants to Vaginal Rejuvenation & Lollipops

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Oscar nominees will receive Camo Mace pepper guns

Oscar nominees will receive Camo Mace pepper guns

 

To think the above headline is factually accurate amazes me. Yes, while we sit and bicker over whether or not it will be 12 Years a Slave or Gravity winning Best Picture or whether Jennifer Lawrence will win Oscar number two over newcomer Lupita Nyong’o just know all the nominees will have to figure out what to do with more than $85,000 worth of swag bag goodies after the ceremony. Because that’s what they’re getting.

Business Insider (via FilmDrunk) reveals each nominee will receive a voucher for a $16,000 hair transplant, none of which will clog your shower drain as they will also receive a $6.49 DrainWig.

Once you get beyond the $15,000 walking tour of Japan and the $9,000 cupcake and sugar cookie tour of Vegas you’ll arrive at a $2,700 “O-Shot”. What’s this? Well, according to the website‘s “Please Beware!” disclaimer:

The Orgasm Shot® (O-Shot®) procedure is a very specific method of using blood-derived growth factors to rejuvenate the vagina to help women cure urinary incontinence and sex problems. Done in the wrong way, results could be useless or worse. The names “Orgasm Shot” and “O-Shot” were awarded to Charles Runels, MD (the first to do the procedure) and are protected by US Patent & Trademark law. All physicians qualified & licensed to use the names are listed on this website. Any physician who uses either name but who is not listed on this website is not certified to do the procedure, is violating trademark/patent laws, and should not be trusted. Also, the advanced techniques of the providers listed here make the uncomfortable process of “VAGINAL MAPPING” NOT necessary.

At least vaginal mapping isn’t necessary.

I have listed all the “goodies” directly below from most expensive to least expensive. Isn’t it nice to know that while we clap and cheer for our favorite movies and their makers they don’t have to go home disappointed whether they win or lose? Hell, they could just hop on a plane and take a $6,850, two-day trip to the Rockies.

  • $16,000 toward a hair transplant
  • $15,000 walking tour around Japan
  • $9,000 trip to Las Vegas
  • $6,850 two-day Rocky Mountaineer train excursion from Vancouver to Alberta in the Canadian Rockies
  • $6,100 will provide 10,000 meal donations from Ellen DeGeneres’ Halo Spot’s Stew pet food to a shelter of the nominee’s choice
  • $5,000 toward laser hair removal and cosmetic surgery from Ideal Image
  • $5,000 certificate to purchase art and get it installed at home from Gizara.
  • $4,895 water filtration system for your house from Krystal Klear Water
  • $3,300 resort stay at the Imanta’s Ocean Casa suite in Mexico
  • $2,700 “O-Shot” procedure to help a woman’s sex drive
  • $2,560 home spa system from Steamist
  • $2,000 5-night stay at the Koloa Landing Resort in Hawaii
  • $1,571.98 of supplies from Epic Pet Health which includes a year’s supply of an electrolyte supplement made specifically for your pet
  • $850 for 10 personal training sessions with Huntley Drive Fitness.
  • $750 in Max Martin luxury shoes.
  • $575 in tickets to all-kid pro Cirque troupe, Le Petit Cirque.
  • $500 lifetime membership to a meditation gym from Headspace.com
  • $500 house call with celebrity acupuncturist and nutritionist Heather Lounsbury.
  • $400 Jan Lewis bangle bracelet made from wood shapes.
  • $300 in organic skin, body, and hair care products from Acure.
  • $290 Swiss-made Slow Watch
  • $280 of organic maple syrup from Rouge Maple
  • $279 portable camera and app from Narrative Clip
  • $279 leather purse from Jitseu.
  • $230 leather iPhone 5 case from Vetvik.
  • $185 Shellfish knife set.
  • $162 worth of Hookahzz E-Cigarettes and E-Liquids.
  • $158 in winter accessories from CherryT Knit & Co.
  • $120 Go Pro hair dryer from Coolway.
  • $120 for pink and Camo Mace pepper guns
  • $105 in organic makeup products by Diane Capt. $109.95 activity tracker from Polar Loop.
  • $100 in beauty products from M3K Beauty.
  • $95.35 in horse shampoo and conditioner made for human hair from Mane ‘N Tail.
  • $70 candles that double as perfume and warm massage oil from Objects with Purpose.
  • $69.75 in homemade caramels and sweets from Betty Jane Candies.
  • $60 in Cannonball Wines.
  • $59 in dinnerware from Slimware.
  • $50 toward hiring film maker Charles Van Loucks.
  • $49.95 worth of tea made in Australia from Blossom Blends.
  • $49.95 copy of the first graphic novel in the series “Loaded: The Story of a Ghost”
  • $39 in US grown “honey” made from organic apples from Bee Free Honee.
  • $38.96 in Hydroxycut weight loss gummies, protein bars, and shakes
  • $35 six-pack of herbal tea-based lollipops from Dosha Pops
  • $30 bottle of AVIV 613 Vodka.
  • $23 in reusable 3-in-1 dry-cleaning bags from Green Garmento
  • $15 worth of fabric wrap from European company Wrag Wrap.
  • $15 organic pet shampoo from Simon’s Happy Pet.
  • $20 six-pack of Naked Luxury condoms
  • $24.99 Bluetooth camera shutter remote for Apple products from HISY.
  • $6.49 DrainWig that prevents hair clogs in your shower drain

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Weekend: Aug. 22, 2019, Aug. 25, 2019

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