Oi Govnah! Jason Statham Shoves a Gun in Your Face in the Poster for ‘Safe’

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Have you heard of Jason Statham? You have? Good. Have you heard about that action movie he made? No, not War. Try again. Transporter? Nope, next. Transporter 2? Nope, one more try. Transporter 3? Okay, now you’re just adding numbers to previously made movies. Next you’re going to tell me there was a sequel to Crank but instead of adding a number they called it Crank: High Voltage. I’m not that gullible.

No, the movie I’m talking about hasn’t even come out yet. NO! Not The Expendables 2! Sheesh, can’t I get a word out? Now shut up before I take my shirt off, grease myself up in oil and lay down an ass whoopin’!

As I was saying, the movie is called Safe and in it “The Stath” plays a second-rate cage fighter on the mixed martial arts circuit. See, it’s nothing like those other movies.

Anyway, this guy’s name is Luke Wright and after blowing a rigged fight the Russian Mafia murders his family (natch) and (now I’m quoting the official synopsis here) “banishes him from his life forever.” Now we obviously realize they are referring to his fighting life, but the line “banishes him from his life forever” is simply too good to ignore. Hell, so is the first sentence of the next paragraph. Here, have a look:

But when he witnesses a frightened twelve-year-old Chinese girl, Mei, being pursued by the same gangsters who killed his wife, Luke impulsively jumps to action…and straight into the heart of a deadly high-stakes war. Mei, he discovers, is no ordinary girl, but an orphaned math prodigy forced to work for the Triads as a “counter.” He discovers she holds in her memory a priceless numerical code that the Triads, the Russian mob and a corrupt faction of the NYPD will kill for.

This is just too good. His family is murdered by the Russian Mafia and now he’s protecting a math genius, oh wait, excuse me, a frightened twelve-year-old, orphaned math prodigy Chinese girl who was been working for the Triads. I wonder if Vin Diesel will show up with a burp towel and The Rock will make an appearance with fairy wings. I mean, that would only make it better right?

When does this most royally awesome movie come out? Try April 27, the heart of Oscar season! Boom. And here’s a new poster, packed chock full of gun in your eyeball!

Safe poster Jason Statham
Official poster for Safe starring Jason Statham
Photo: Lionsgate