Okay, this is the second in a stream of complaints about how Hayden’s character is a dickhead. So, he robs banks. Douche bag move right? Well how about this? He is watching TV and there are a whole bunch of people dying in a flood. We watch the news report as one man clings to a board for his life. Hayden looks at the screen, smirks and finishes what he was doing.
This is a moment in the film where you, as a thinking audience member, expect the next scene to be some kind of miracle rescue scene where Hayden used his powers for good. Nope, you don’t get that scene, the people in the flood died and Hayden teleports to some foreign land to fuck some foreign chick. Yup, that’s your superhero, he’s crazy lovable. I can’t wait to see what hijinx he’ll get in next because I really care about the heartless bastard now.
Imagine for a moment with me. Let’s pretend you can… TELEPORT! On top of that kick ass power let’s pretend that you can take someone with you wherever you go. I know what you are thinking, in your head you are saying, “Snap Dragon!” and who wouldn’t?
Now, let’s say Rachel Bilson is giving you the “Fuck Me” eyes. Do you a) Say, “Hey, I can teleport us to Rome, wanna go?” or b) Say, “Hey, how about we hop a plane to Rome with all this stolen cash I got?”
I’ll end this one here letting you know Hayden chose “b” and the beat goes on… Oh, and considering she screwed him pretty much the minute they landed in Rome, I would like to believe she was up for just about anything Hayden did or said.
The third question in our dickhead series culminates in the ultimate question. “Why does being a jumper turn you into a whiny piece of shit?” Now, to be fair, Jamie Bell’s character is not exactly a whiny piece of shit, but he is damn close, but Hayden’s character takes the cake. This is a bank robbing, heartless whiner and we are supposed to care about him and what happens to him as he is chased by a group of people called Paladins for only God knows what reason. If you have seen the film I have to assume you are with me at this point, and if you haven’t seen the film I have to assume (and can only hope) you never will.
This is a question that bothered my from the minute it happened. I have actually been searching for a condo here in Seattle for the past few months and I haven’t yet been asked if I would be paying in wads of stolen cash. Luckily Hayden’s character doesn’t have this problem. He was apparently able to buy not only a New York condo (a nice as shit one at that) but he also had a place in London I think. The kicker being, how the hell did he do it? Never once to we see him laundering money or working out deals with shady characters. We do see a back lit shelving system filled with stolen money from around the world, maybe he was so cool they just said, “fuck it” and let him have whatever he wanted.
