The last few films I’ve seen with the general public have been rough. Now, I will say, in the general public’s defense that I usually screen movies with homeless people. This is not a joke, and I assume it’s because the tickets to screenings are free and readily available. So perhaps I’m a little jaded by the non-showering crowd. Here a few of the behaviors I have witnessed in the last two films I have seen.
Snoring
Last night a guy fell asleep. He snored really loudly. I can see finding a nice movie screening to snooze in but at least sport one of those nasal strips for us freaks that want to watch the film.
Repeating Punch Lines
You know what’s funnier than the punch line on screen? When you repeat it to the people around you. In fact I am now advocating that every punch line be repeated twice on screen, and then once by an audience member. If the same punch line is funny twice imagine how orgasmic that third time would be!
Taking a Call
Hey, sometimes you have to take a phone call, courtesy be damned. Maybe you’re a meth dealer or a big industry executive, it doesn’t matter, you can now stay in touch 24×7. I am in favor of a sniper being posted in all theaters, in fact I would pay an extra five dollars per ticket to see this happen. If you’re a doctor on call and you feel the phone buzz excuse yourself and hit the lobby. Otherwise prepare to momentarily feel the bullet tear through your cerebral cortex. I’ll start wearing red shirts in preparation of the splatter.
Texting
No, I can’t see the giant light emanating from your phone. It doesn’t phase me at all. In fact, I consider it to be akin to a free laser light show.
Being Stinky
Deodorant is for cheap ass busters!
Bouncing in chair back to jack my knees
This is probably only a local phenomenon because some of our older theater seats don’t have much back support. Still, I think people should be working on their posture and leaving my knees alone.
Talking to the screen
A little different from repeating the punch lines because it often involves helpful advice to the protagonists. Oh when oh when will the movies catch up to these trailblazers and come out with interactive movies?
And finally, Explaining the Joke
Again not the same as the other two verbose actions; instead the smartest mongoloid in the group will explain to the other two (who are grooming each other to remove flies) what the joke was/meant/entailed. For instance, let’s say a very unattractive woman is trying to bed a guy. The guy makes excuses. The helpful mongoloid will point out the excuses are in fact hooey, and the REAL reason the guy won’t go in the bedroom is because the woman isn’t sexually attractive. Then everyone can enjoy the laugh, no longer confused by the complexity of the message.
Maybe I’m overreacting, misjudging, or a dreamer. But it’s the absolute unfathomable rudeness of people that has me cheering the notion of simultaneous release. I don’t need to see the film with an audience if they’re going to attempt to ruin it through their own unawareness and stupidity. After seeing these past few films with the moron patrol I’m starting to wonder why there isn’t a place for the rest of us.
