Okay, I survived the pre-show atrocities which I describe in horrifying detail in Part One of the Golden Globe Recap. I feel like those guys that were trapped in that mine and rescued a couple of years ago. Enough of that guff.
The show begins …
In truth, Hudson looks great. Jennifer, I don’t know if you would like a little vanilla swirl in your life, but if so, call me. We can hang. She gives the great Bill Condon (director of Dreamgirls) some love. Hell, somebody has to tonight. She let’s out an “Ooh, child.” She’s overcome in the moment. It’s a predictable, but pleasant night so far.
The winner is … Prince who I guess did a song from Happy Feet. I forgot the other rule regarding Best Original Song: animated musicals trump all. Prince is a no-show. Brad is crying somewhere in Seattle. He dotes on him, you know. Timberlake redeems himself by making a pretty funny short joke at Prince’s expense. Take that you no-show!
Ms. Golden Globe
Yes! My favorite part of the Golden Globe … the completely pointless introduction of the annual Ms. Golden Globe! This year it’s Lorraine Nicholson who is either Jack’s daughter or great, great granddaughter. I lost track. I’m betting so does Jack.
Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Mini-Series, or Drama.
I’m rooting for Piven, even if he and Cusack are in a beef. Guys, hug it out. I haven’t been this torn since the Stone Temple Pilots broke up.
Jeremy Irons wins for Elizabeth I. Irons is short and sweet.
Best Actress in a TV Drama
The Globes bestow a little irony this year as Tina Fey and David Spade come out to introduce a dramatic category. The real irony, of course, is that David Spade isn’t funny.
It’s only about twenty minutes into the telecast but the NBC crew has managed to insert about eight shots of Salma Hayek’s two beauties. This is the kind of coverage that wins you an Emmy.
Pimping Movies # 1
Naomi Watts comes out to introduce Babel for Best Picture Drama. A nice close up of Rinko. I interviewed her, you know. We’re peeps. And lovers. … That last part was a lie. In truth, so was the previous statement. But I did interview her!
The Annual Give Some Love To The Hollywood Foreign Press Moment
Rene Zellweger walks on stage to give some applause felatio to the Hollywood Foreign Press. If she doesn’t stop squinting her face is going cave in. I’ve been warning the government about this for years. I feel like Al Gore in An Inconvenient Truth.
Some old geezer from the Hollywood Foreign Press walks on stage. He’s babbling, about what I do not know. The audience starts laughing at him. He hasn’t made a joke. Laremy just called him a cross between Woody Allen and a freak. I just texted him giving him props.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie
P-Diddy gets to walk out on stage with Jessica Biel to announce the nominees. His life couldn’t get any better. Emily Blunt wins. Never seen the show (I doubt the Hollywood Foreign Press has either) but I liked her in The Devil Wears Prada and I’m betting they did too.
Best Actor in a TV Series Drama
Hugh Laurie wins. He and Steve Carrell delivered the best speeches last year so he has a lot to live up to. He says he’s speechless, “I’m literally without a speech.” Not bad. Not last year, but not bad. He gets bonus points for calling us “Yanks.” You heeding me, Helen Mirren?
Pimping Movies # 2
Charlie Sheen is out to pimp Bobby. Apparently, Laremy wasn’t available. Things get strange as Charlie asks his brother, Emilio “Emilioooooooo!” Estevez, to stand up. Emilio doesn’t want to. Charlie says “Stand up! Stand up! Stand up!” Emilio gives in. They are so going to fight on the way home. I do not want to be in that limo tonight.
Best Animated Film
This is a first for the Golden Globes, and it’s introduced by Steve Carell. He may have said something funny by my eye twitching has started up again. I pop a few pills (water tablets mostly … it’s all psychological) and I start to calm down. I think it’s safe to say Happy Feet has this in the bag.
Cars wins, naturally. The Pixar brand name goes a long way.
Meryl Streep has got this, I think. After the Cars debacle, I’m not ready to declare anything for a while. I need a confidence booster, like Jennifer Hudson.
Rene Zellweger will not stop squinting. I hate to get political, but it really is a problem for America and America’s children.
Finally, I score as Meryl Streep wins for The Devil Wears Prada. It’s been a while since I scored so it feels good. I can throw out some of my pornography now.
…
Maybe not.
Meryl’s speech begins lame but ends strong, thanking everyone in the cast and crew, including the “dreadful Stanley Tucci.” She ends on a kick-ass note about getting smaller market films on more theatre screens. The crowd is in love. She’s a bit old for me, but I get the attraction.
Pimping Movies # 3
Ben Stiller introduces Borat but makes two jokes that die a very tough, noticeable death. Sacha Baron Cohen is sitting next to the yummy Isla Fisher. Are they an item? I just read Laremy’s Live Diary comment where he takes a nice hard stab at the Recap. He’s so insecure. He’s a virgin, you know.
Best Mini-Series or TV Movie
Elizabeth I wins. I’m thinking sweep and Mirren wins the final cat. The producers are talking about God knows what. I have the strongest urge to change the channel. I don’t get paid enough for this.
Eddie Murphy wins. Is this the first award he’s ever received? It’s so weird to see Eddie Murphy win something, isn’t it? Has he ever won anything? As for his speech, he plays it straight. Or as straight as someone who picked up a transvestite under strange circumstances can be. Just kidding, Eddie! You my boy!
Pimping Movies # 4
Sarah Jessica Parker comes out to give props to The Devil Wears Prada. I can’t believe I liked this movie. I really liked it. It’s almost shameful. No … it is shameful.
Best Actor In a TV Series or TV Movie
Wow, there’s about 18 nominations in this category. That’s fair. 18 nominations and you’d think I would have seen at least one of these performances. Huh. I blacked, I’m not sure for how long, but it happened. Bill Nighy wins. Loved him in Dead Man’s Chest.
Best Actress In a TV Series or TV Movie
Helen Mirren should be banned from receiving any more nominations. Ever. That’s it, she’s 86’d. We need a little parity, like the NFL. Go Saints! They’re America’s team. I need more coffee.
Mirren wins. She has that elegant Brit speech about her. Just an obvious observation on my part.
It’s been about an hour and the show is … kinda dull, no? I’m on adulation overload right now. Let’s talk about something else for a bit. What do you guys think of Apple’s new iPhone? I’m thinking it’s time to switch to Cingular. It’s truly ridiculous how smooth that baby works. I love the way that baby scrolls. It’s so … damnit, the show’s back on.
By the way, I’ve been ordered not to write another word about anything other than the Globes. I don’t mean to hurt you, but I must follow orders. Like the Nazi’s did.
Pimping Movies # 5
Oh my God! Somebody get that thing away from the camera! Quick!
…
Nevermind, apparently, that’s just Cameron Diaz. They should really have a warning label on the screen or something. She introduces The Departed, probably the year’s best entertainment. I don’t think Marty did one of the five best directing jobs this year, but I’m rooting him. It’s easy to because Cuarón, Greengrass, Nolan, De Niro, Del Toro and Aronofsky aren’t nominated. I’m not bitter though.
Best Screenplay
Jake Gyllenhaal, who killed on SNL this past week walks up with Hilary Damon-I-mean-Swank. The Departed should win this, but me thinks it’s going to The Queen
Peter Morgan wins for The Queen. In the night’s most awkward moment (so far) Morgan comes out and stops the room cold with a dead-serious, obviously prepared political speech that is cut short by an imposing “Wrap It Up” text from off the TelePrompTer. The Brits are so cute, they actually take the TelePrompTer seriously. Dude, didn’t you see Cuba Gooding Jr. or Julia Roberts’ Oscar speeches?
Best Actor in a Sitcom
Vanessa Williams and Tim Allen are the presenters. Allen looks over Williams before declaring, “If looks were a minute this would be a long day right here.” Atta boy. Alec Baldwin wins. How could he not? It’s his year. They are starting to fly through this baby. I feel like Buttercup when she’s rushed to marry Prince Humperdinck.
Best TV Series – Comedy
I need Entourage or The Office to win so that my tastes are validated by the Hollywood Foreign Press. Come on, HFP, give this to me!
I meant to pick up the first season of Weeds but I spent that money on pot. Life is strange.
Ugly Betty wins in a shocker! I should have known. It was the year’s real up-and-comer. Or … how’s about this theory … Selma Hayek has made a few appearances on the show. The trusted camera folk at NBC – who are obviously obsessed with the woman’s breasts (there will be no judgment rendered in this dojo) – switched The Office‘s winning ticket with a faux Ugly Betty winner. This way, they are able to override orders from headquarters and justify the 786th shot of Hayek’s breasts. Makes sense, no?
Pimping Movies # 6
Jamie Foxx pimps Dreamgirls. Life imitates art. He then takes a shot at the number of theatres it can be found in. Uh, dude, your movie increased screens last week and your numbers still went down. I have a feeling the Oracle is going to sic something fierce on him in the Live Diary. [late editing note: Or not].
Best Foreign Language Film
Sharon Stone and Djimon Honsou are the presenters. Who came up with that pairing?
Apocalypto gets a timid applause. No one wants to appear anti-Semitic, I think. Pan’s Labyrinth or Volver should have this.
Oh, I should have known. The Clint love factor. I still haven’t seen the movie. The Oscar heat’s been dying, maybe this will perk things up for old man Clint. Brad and Laremy didn’t love (or like) it but they have been known to snort massive amounts of heroin uncontrollably in one sitting. Clint comes up with this beauty: “You don’t know what this does for my confidence.” Take that Jennifer Hudson. Yeah, it wasn’t really an attack but I’m trying to spice things up here. How many more awards left can there be? I’m getting sleepy-eyed.
On another note, I just read that Laremy typed “screenplay” “screeplay.” Ha! Take that Mr. Live Diary!
Pimping Movies # 7
The Queen is introduced by the great Jeremy Irons. Why does he appear in crap like Eragon. Somebody get on that.
Best Original Score
Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore are presenters. Guess what, Prince was stuck in traffic earlier and Grant lets him have his moment. Good show m’boy. I’m looking at this little freak and I’m wondering why the NFL chose him to do the Super Bowl’s halftime show. He’s got some good tunes but … the NFL?
Alexandre Desplat wins for The Painted Veil. Clint Mansell’s Fountain score got butt-raped.
Best Actress in a TV series
Four presenters come out for this category: John Stamos and Jennifer Love Hewitt. A-thank you! For all of those that are counting, that’s four chauvinistic breast jokes so far tonight. The Ugly Betty girl wins. You ever notice, even when they’re ugly, your eyes look south (five). Actually, she’s not ugly at all. Really cute to be honest. But I still looked south … (six)
Uh-oh, awkward moment alert. The Ugly Betty girl gets interviewed before the commercial break. The poor Interview Gal is about to fall into a trap and she doesn’t even know it. It gets ugly (no pun intended) and the conversation goes something like this:
INTERVIEWER GAL: Congratulations! What do you have to say to everyone who didn’t want you for the part?
UGLY BETTY: Oh, uh, I don’t know who they are …
[awkward pause]
Huh, uh, um … well, weren’t there people that like didn’t want you for the role?
UB: Wow, I don’t … know. It would be the first I heard that.
Oh
UB: Yeah …
[Interview Gal clears throat, looks off-camera for help]
UB: …
…
UB: …
Do you know if they’re hiring there?
UB: I … don’t know …
Okay, no biggie
UB: …
Well congratulations!
UB: Thank you so much!
The Cecil B. DeMille Award: Warren Beatty
Tom Hanks calls the Hollywood Foreign Press nuts. He mentions how Warren Beatty won the Golden Globe’s Most Promising Newcomer Award back in 1962 about 18 times, poking fun at the old timer. Yes, I believe this is the beginning of the servicing of Warren Beatty. Hanks gives major props to Beatty’s career as an actor, producer, writer and director. The clip frenzy begins. Splendor in the Grass, Bonnie and Clyde and Shampoo where he’s setting the world on fire with those flaming shirts. Heaven Can Wait. Dick Tracy. Bugsy, probably my favorite Beatty performance … after Bulworth. Underrated flick. Incredibly insane. Reds, great film. Tom Hanks delivers a big laugh when he declares Beatty one of Hollywood’s legendary Romeos and to prove it asks, “Ladies … a show of hands?” The crowd eats it up. But Hanks isn’t done yet. “Guys?” The house comes down! Hanks is a God.
Beatty finally takes the stage and goes about three hours over his allotted time in his speech. But he ends well … “It isn’t easy being humble when you’re married to Annette Bening” Warren’s gettin’ laid tonight!
He gets a few more zingers:
Beatty on Hanks: “Forget Hanks, I’ve got bottles of moisturizer older than Tom Hanks”
Beatty berating Clint: “One great movie after another, and you do them at the same time, and then you do the score … how do you think that makes me feel?”
Beatty on his best pal Jack: “And you … you always gotta be great don’t you?”
Beatty on politics: “People usually do what I ask them to do. I asked Arnold to be a democrat, he did as I said.” A nice nod to Arnold’s recent lefty proposals.
Unfortunately, Beatty won’t stop speaking. I try calling Laremy halfway through but his phone is off the hook. I’m starting to get worried. Wait, he just made another Live Diary comment. Thank God, he’s alive. He ain’t happy, but he’s alive.
Before being booted off stage he solidifies the night’s after-party activities when he says, “Annette, thank you for making me feel like I am always your most promising newcomer.” I don’t even want to know what is going on in that retirement home.
Pimping Movies # 8
Dustin Hoffman comes out and makes an Ishtar joke. Where did he get that from, the morgue (thank you David Mamet)? He’s really here to present Little Miss Sunshine.
Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy
If there is any justice Sacha wins. He does! He gives one of the best speeches in the history of Golden Globes:
In making this movie I saw parts of America that were quite beautiful. I saw parts of America that were ugly. And I saw parts that rarely sees the light of day. I refer, of course, to the anus and testicles of my co-star, Kenneth Davitian. When I was in that scene and stared down at your two wrinkled Golden Globes that lay on my chin … I thought to myself … I better win a bloody award for this. And then when my 300lb costar sits in on my face, I was faced with a choice. Death … or breathe in the air of the small pocket trapped for 30 years. Ken, if it was not for that rancid bubble, I would not be here today … and thank you to everyone who has not sued me so far!”
It was legendary. Books will be written about this moment. I was truly in tears watching this speech.
Pimping Movies # 9
Dane “My momentum took a hit with Employee of the Month” Cook presents Thank You For Smoking. Not much else happens. Or, if you prefer, I have nothing clever to say. I’m burned out.
Best Picture Musical or Comedy
Please be Borat, please! Everyone in the room wants Cohen to get back on stage. Do it for us, Hollywood Foreign Press!
Dreamgirls wins. Whatever.
Best TV Series
Courtney Cox and David Arquette come out to announce … Grey’s Anatomy as the winner. I still say this is E.R. for girls.
Woa! I don’t know who that large woman who shouted “THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!” is but somebody put a tranquilizer in her quick!
Best Actress Drama
This is Helen Mirren’s award. It’s almost creepy how easy she is winning everything this year. Phillip Seymour Hoffman announces Mirren’s name. I’m wondering (in vain) if the show will be over in time for me to watch The Daily Show and Colbert Report. Come on, let’s wrap this baby up. God this is going to take forever to edit.
I must have missed a pimp movie somewhere. I’m starting to black out again. This is not good for my health.
Best Actor Drama
Felicity Huffman crowns Forrest Whitaker. The crowd loves this guy. He’s got the Oscar locked up now. He’s about to break down crying. He’s fighting. Does he have the time? The teleprompter is on his ass like an L.A. racial profiling cop. He thanks double nominee Leo DiCaprio twice. That’s good stuff. He’s fighting the tears. I’m pretty sure they’re real (he is accepting a Best Actor Award so you never know). You gotta love this guy. Whitaker’s wife is smoking hot! Nice, heartfelt speech from an industry fave.
Best Picture Drama
The Governator comes out on crutches for this one. I wonder if he’ll reference Warren Beatty’s comment. Not likely. Crutches … an old politician’s trick, right up there with talking about how children are our future. Uh-nuld just pronounced Babel, “Bobble.” Why couldn’t he have been here earlier?
Babel wins! Wow. I didn’t see that coming. I figured The Departed or The Queen had it in the bag. It’s Oscar hopes are all but assured which means Children of Men is officially dead. This sucks. Babel‘s a good movie though.
Inarritu quips: “I swear I have my papers in order, governor, I swear.” Ooooh, The Governator gets SNIPED! Inarritu gives a shout out to his two amigos, Alfonso Cuarón and Guillermo Del Toro. Hell’s yeah.
And it ends. Typical of the Golden Globes, it’s like a Hurricane. It comes, it destroys everything you know and love and then it leaves you homeless, without power and, perhaps, hope. It’s an abusive relationship, but deep down, I know they really love me.
Wanna see our pretty winner page click here, how about the live diary, or maybe part one of my recap? Any way you look at it we have you covered. See you for the SAGs and of course for the Oscars… Nominations on the 23rd y’all!
