WARNING: A severe spew of rationalizations is on the way because I can’t believe what happened to me, the Box Office Oracle, this weekend. I guess it was the height of hubris but I completely overlooked the steamtrain that was Madea’s Family Reunion. It’s not all crystal balls and smoke machines around here, I had legitimate reasons. The flick is rolling with a 42 percent approval rating over on the tomato site. It has a 3.9 out of 10 ranking on the site that seeks to be a movie database. Now I know that critics don’t rule the world, and I get that the database folks votes could be based on any freak with an internet connection. So I look at the story, I look at the cast. Nothing special there. What I forgot to do is look at is Tyler Perry’s other work. Diary of a Mad Black Woman opened at $21m around the same time which should have raised the Oracle alarm. Sadly I used that time playing the Running Scared game. I will now officially fall on my sword.
On the bright side of the equation I did have the top ten films in my top ten, even if the order was put together via dart board. I also got to see two lesser films reduced to rubble in Doogal and Running Scared, so maybe I shouldn’t sell the American public short just yet.
1. Madea’s Family Reunion $30.3m (My rank #6, $22.0m off)
For the record a full 2.75 million more people saw this film than I predicted. BUT.. that’s only like one full percent more of the US population. Hey, I’m just tying to put some perspective on this Waterloo.
2. Eight Below $15.7m (My rank #1, $2.6m off)
So does Walker take the call from Disney all “Yeah, man, we’re staying strong!” and then switch over to call waiting all “No, I’m shocked too. I can’t believe more people weren’t interested in Running Scared. (heavy sigh) Well anyway, thanks for the paycheck!”
3. The Pink Panther $11.3m (My rank #2, $.7m off)
Maybe people are getting high and watching it? I could leak that to the local news and watch them run with it like a scared rabbit.
4. Date Movie $9.2m (My rank #4, $2.1m off)
Yeah, yeah, I know my variance level on the 3-7 slots is amazing, but that’s not why I play the game. It’s all or nothing here in Oracle-town.
5. Curious George $7.0m (My rank #7, DEAD ON)
I don’t want to get all “Stairway to Heaven” but doesn’t anybody remember laughter?
6. Firewall $6.2m (My rank #9, $1.1m off))
Screw it, I’m using this space to promote comedian Dane Cook. He’s way better than the movie Firewall. Buy his CD or see him live or something. Tell em’ Laremy sent ya.
7. Final Destination 3 $5.3m (My rank: #8, $.1m off)
People think it’s easy being The Oracle but it’s not all giggles and pinches around here. It’s hard work. A lot of times I have to figure out what T-shirt I’m going to wear first.
8. Doogal $3.6 (My rank: #3, $8.3m off)
I scoff in your general direction Doogal. Nothing pleases me more than when they don’t screen for reviewers and then no one sees it. That’s the ultimate white flag, kind of like saying “uh, yeah, we’re just going to rip off a few people week one and then call it a day. Good game guys, good game.” I also want to note that I knew Hoodwinked, and you sir are no Hoodwinked.
9. Running Scared $3.0m (My rank: #5, $7.1m off)
Ok, ok, they tanked week one but with some clever marketing they could be right back in the mix. How about “Paul Walker’s second best film this week!” or “The number two R rated film in the country!” or perhaps even “Don’t be scared off by all your friends hating this!” Make crap-aide and fly high.
10. Freedomland $2.9m (My rank: #10, $1.6m off)
I can’t believe a claymation film did this poorly. It just goes to show you, eh? Our former classmate of the week is Christina Ward because I’m pretty sure she was hot. Feelings are for fools.
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