Look, we understand that you’re feeling especially swol this year. You’ve cut out carbs, you can bench 250 lbs and your girlfriend spends more time looking at your abs than your face (Hey! His eyes are up here). We are happy that you’re feeling so confident and we are proud that you are comfortable in your own skin. You should be proud of yourself, too. You’re lean, mean and ripped to shreds. You are confident. You are strong. You are empowered.
But you’re not Jason Statham. And you never will be.
You will never punch a shark in the face. You will never extract a baby from an airplane whilst battling random thugs.
(Sidenote: None of these are challenges, and Comingsoon.net takes no responsibility for the actions of those who read this article).
Jason Statham, over the years, has proven that he can kick anybody’s ass, especially yours. But you must not slight yourself. It’s not your fault. Hey, HEY! Listen to us. It’s not your fault. Jason Statham is a freak of nature with a British accent and perfect-lengthed facial hair. Over the years, he has proven himself to be an action star not to be effed with. So, whether you are a shark or Vin Diesel, these 10 movies prove that Jason Statham can kick your ass.
The Italian Job
This was one of Statham’s first big roles, and he did not disappoint. For being named “Handsome Rob,” Statham sure proved that he was more than just a pretty face. He beat up bad guys, flipped off helicopters and may or may not have picked up a gorgeous blonde named Becky. This was just a preview of things to come for Statham, but it immediately endeared him to those who believe bald is beautiful.
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We love movies about thieves with hearts of gold. As long as a thief has a code of ethics, he’s not a bad guy; he’s an antihero. Such is the case of Parker, a film about Jason Statham being left for dead before returning with a really, really bad Texas accent to help J-Lo clean up the block. It isn’t a great film, but Statham looks great in a cowboy hat and he hits somebody in the head with a toilet lid, ala True Romance. So it’s not all bad. But man, that accent.
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The Bank Job
Statham is really good at finding jobs, be it Italian or Bank. There are two iterations of Jason Statham Movies- Pre-Acceptance of Baldness and Post-Acceptance of Baldness. He looks good either way, but Statham with hair just isn’t the Statham we all know and love. In The Bank Job, Statham is (surprise!) out to steal from the rich via an incredibly convoluted heist. This film focuses less on physical ass-kicking, and more on mental, proving that Statham is just as formidable with his mind as with his fists.
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The Transporter 3
The first 2 Transporter films were good-but-not-great typical action fare. They were fine, and they served as a vehicle to show us what we could expect from Jason Statham- cool fight scenes, witty one-liners and awesome suits. It wasn’t until The Transporter 3, however, that Statham really found his mojo and became “The Stath” that we all know and love. He beat up a bunch of guys in a car shop, had an incredible bike chase scene and, as per usually, got the girl. Or a few of the girls.
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The Expendables (1, 2 &3)
Only in a movie franchise starring, in no particular order: Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren, Mel Gibson, Mickey Rourke, Ronda Rousey, AND Kelsey Grammer, could Jason Statham be considered a background player. But even in his limited screen time, Statham finds ways to separate himself from the pack. Whether he’s impersonating a priest before knifing down unsuspecting sinners, or taking it to the court for a rousing game of pick up (of people’s teeth), in The Expendables films, Statham proves that he is anything but.
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Fast and Furious 7
Anybody that can stand toe-to-toe with The Rock and come out on the winning side (at least temporarily) can certainly kick your ass. And ours. And anybody’s, really. The chemistry between Rock and Statham was off the charts, so much so that the filmmakers decided they wanted Statham to be a good guy so they could make a buddy-cop movie with him and Rock. It was the right call.
Statham beats up The Rock. Then The Rock beats up Statham. Then, in the next movie, they talk about whose Johnson is bigger, then they begrudgingly respect one another and Statham becomes BFF’s with the good guys, even though he killed Han (who didn’t even shoot first). But it’s the first scene between Statham and Rock, in Fast and Furious 7, that really shows how Mr. Voorhees isn’t the only Jason who can take a licking and keep on ticking.
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His name is Chev Chelios, and today is the day he’s going to die. But he’s gonna take a bunch of people with him! On paper, it shouldn’t have worked. A guy who has to keep his heart rate up or else he’ll die sounds like a silly premise. And it is. It’s a silly movie. But it works! And it showcases both the action skills, as well as the comedic chops, that separate Statham from the chaff. Statham fends off bad guys in a hospital gown, requests to be defibrillated at the highest voltage (Heh. More on that, later) and fights a guy as he topples out of a helicopter, before plummeting to his (supposed) death. Crank is the ultimate Jason Statham movie and watching it will ensure that you will never find yourself in Chev Chelios’ position- your adrenaline will continually remain off the charts.
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Crank 2- High Voltage
His name is Chev Chelios, and today he didn’t die. This time, Chelios is on a quest to find his heart; not in some metaphorical, romantic way. No, Chelios is looking for his literal heart and he only has an hour to do it. Shenanigans ensue, Statham beats up a bunch of guys, straps his tongue and nips to a car battery, allegedly assaults an old woman and then, in a pivotal scene, bangs Amy Smart on a horse track, in front of a crowd of onlookers. Crank: High Voltage takes everything you loved about the first one, and turns it up a notch (see what we did there?) to give you a heart-stopping (we can’t stop), adrenaline-fueled (seriously, somebody make us stop) story of revenge that will leave you in stitches (Kay, we’re done). In every movie we’ve listed, we’ve shown you that Jason Statham can kick your ass. Because of the horse track scene in Crank 2, he proved that he’ll kick your ass AND take your girl.
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F8 of the Furious
Okay so, Deckard Shaw is a good guy now and is a part of Vin Diesel’s team. Guess Han is riding Solo. The idea behind this “plot twist” is ludicrous, but it’s resulting in a team-up movie with Statham and The Rock called Hobbs & Shaw, so we’re not mad about it. Plus, good guy Statham gets to save Vin Diesel’s baby from an airplane. It’s perhaps the coolest scene in a film franchise full of cool scenes and it must be seen to be believed. Seriously, watch it.
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He fights a f*cking shark!!!
And there you have it. 10 movies that prove Jason Statham can kick your ass. We don’t mean to hurt your feelings or bruise your ego. It’s just that, Jason Statham can kick anybody’s ass. Your best bet, in our humble opinion, is to befriend the Brit and invite him to babysit. Turns out, the toughest guy in the world has a soft spot for babies. Who knew?
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