CS Movie Day Planner: Die Hard
Comingsoon.net’s new feature is called CS Movie Day Planner, where we pick a movie and list all the activities the main character did in a single day. Check out John McClane’s day in Die Hard below!
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Action heroes accomplish quite a lot in a short period. They fight numerous baddies, get the girl, and save the day. Bruce Willis’ iconic character, John McClane from the Die Hard franchise, is perhaps the most productive action hero to ever grace the screen. The New York City policeman has made a living as a duck out of water. He can handle almost anything. This is never more apparent than in the franchise’s first outing.
1988’s Die Hard is a pioneering action film. Its protagonist visits Los Angeles on Christmas Eve, expecting to reconcile with his wife and children. Instead, McClane is forced to deal with a Christmas party held hostage by German radicals. Over the course of a night, McClane single-handedly (sort of) bests Hans Gruber and saves Nakatomi Plaza. Die Hard not only epitomizes what it means to live in the moment, but how to plan a truly eventful evening.
3:50 p.m. – Land in Los Angeles International Airport (LAX)
Talk to the guy sitting next to about how you don’t like flying.
Airplane passenger: You don’t like flying, do you?
John McClane: What gives you that idea?
Airplane passenger: You wanna know the secret to surviving air travel? After you get where you’re going, take off your shoes and your socks then walk around on the rug barefoot and make fists with your toes.
John McClane: Fists with your toes?
When he sees your gun, tell him not to worry because you are a cop. Grab your luggage and a gift wrapped teddy bear before getting off of the plane.
4:00 p.m. – Scoff at how “California” California is before finding your limo driver, Argyle.
Argyle: It’s my first time driving a limo.
John McClane: That’s OK. It’s my first time riding in one.
4:12 p.m. – Talk to Argyle about your marital issues and how your wife lives in L.A., which will serve as exposition for the audience.
Argyle : Well, why didn’t you come with her man? What’s up?
John McClane : ‘Cause I’m a New York cop. I got a six-month backlog on New York scumbags I’m still trying to put behind bars. I can’t just pick up and go that easy.
4:20 p.m – Ask Argyle if he has any Christmas music when he plays Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis.”
“This is Christmas music.”
4:30 p.m. – Arrive at Nakatomi Plaza, exit limo, smoke a cigarette, and say “goodbye” to Argyle.
He’s going to wait in the parking garage until you see if you can stay with Holly (if not, he’ll take you to a hotel).
4:33 p.m. – Tell the front desk that you’re here to see Holly McClane.
Type your wife’s name in on the touch screen, when “Holly McClane” doesn’t show up, search for Gennero—her maiden name.
4:40 p.m. – Take express elevator to the third floor where a Christmas party is being held by Holly’s employer, Takagi.
Grab a drink while you search for Holly. If it’s disgusting, put it back on another server’s tray.
4: 50 p.m. – Scoff at California again after being hugged and kissed by a random guy.
5:02 p.m. – Meet Takagi and have him lead you to Holly’s office.
Where Ellis will be doing coke on the desk…
5:08 p.m. – Have an awkward moment with Holly when she arrives.
5: 20 p.m. – Wash up/change clothes.
Talk to Holly about how you basically have nowhere to stay (Pomona?). She’ll offer up the spare bedroom at the house where your kids live. You will then have another moment with your wife…which you’ll ruin by calling her out for using her maiden name (except when she “signs checks”).
5: 30 p.m.- Do the thing with your toes the guy from the plane told you about while the building is seized by German terrorists.
“Son of a bitch. Ha. Make fists with your toes.”
5: 45 p.m. – Call Argyle and tell him you’re not sure if you’re staying or not.
The phone line will go dead halfway through the conversation.
6: 00 p.m. – Notice that the terrorists are shooting up the place and book it to the stairway (barefoot) and make your way to the 32nd floor.
6: 10 p.m. – Listen in on Hans Gruber’s (the leader) conversation with Takagi before he shoots him.
Hope Argyle heard the gun shot (he didn’t).
6: 15 p.m. – Pull the fire alarm.
The bad guys will call 911 and say everything is fine while simultaneously deactivating the fire system. Nice try.
6:34 p.m. – Turn on table saw to distract Tony when he investigates the 32nd floor. Then fight him.
John McClane: Drop it, dickhead. It’s the police.
Tony: You’re not going to hurt me.
John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?
Tony: Because you’re a policeman. There are rules for policemen.
John McClane: Yeah. That’s what my captain keeps telling me.
Take his machine gun (his shoes won’t fit).
6:50 p.m. – Put Tony’s body in the elevator, a Santa hat on his head, and write “Now I have a machine gun. HO-HO- HO” on his shirt.
7: 00 p.m. – Hide in the vents and listen to Hans’ conversation with his men when they find the body.
Write every name you hear on your wrist along with a tally counting the number of bad guys (because you’re smart).
7: 20 p.m. – Go to the roof and use the radio you took from Tony. Try to broadcast a distress signal.
Supervisor: Attention, whoever you are. This channel is reserved for emergency calls only…
John McClane: No fucking shit, lady! Do I sound like I’m ordering a pizza?
Note to self: When you get shot at, shoot back if possible.
7:36 p.m. – Get back in the vents and mock your current situation.
“Come to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs. Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.”
7:50 p.m. – Get out of the vents and see a cop doing a drive by (it’s Carl from Family Matters AKA Sgt. Al Powell).
Bash a chair through the window when it appears Al isn’t noticing anything wrong.
8:00 p.m. – Engage in a fire fight, hesitating to kill Marco and killing Heinrich.
Marco: Next time you have a chance to kill someone, don’t hesitate.
John McClane: Thanks for the advice!
8: 04 p.m. – Kill Marco.
8: 10 p.m. – Throw Marco’s body out the window and upon Al’s cop car and then fire your machine gun out the window (that’ll get his attention).
“Welcome to the party pal.”
8:20 p.m. – Call Hans on the radio while taking Heinrich’s cigarettes and bag full of detonators.
Hans Gruber : [Hans’ radio turns on] I thought I told all of you, I want radio silence until further…
John McClane : Ooooh, I’m very sorry Hans. I didn’t get that message. Maybe you should’ve put it on the bulletin board. I figured since I’ve waxed Tony and Marco and his friend here, I figured you and Karl and Franco might be a little lonely, so I wanted to give you a call.
8: 35 p.m. – Say “Yippee-Ki-Yay-Mother-Fucker” for the first time.
8:50 p.m. – Acknowledge Al’s transmission on the radio and become friends.
“I read ya pal.”
9;30 p.m. – Throw C-4 down an elevator shaft, killing James and Alexander (who were firing anti-tank missiles at the SWAT team).
10: 00 p.m. – Tell Chief Deputy Dwayne that he’s getting sodomized on national television.
John McClane : Asshole? I’m not the one who just got butt-fucked on national TV, *Dwayne*. Now, you listen to me, jerk-off, if you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the problem. Quit being a part of the fucking problem and put the other guy back on!
10:10 p.m. – Eat a 1,000-year-old Twinkie
10:30 p.m. – Call Ellis a shithead when he tries to mediate between you and Hans—giving away your real name.
11: 00 p.m. – ”Unknowingly” meet Hans, who will introduce himself as Clay. Then give him an empty gun (because obviously you know it’s him) and wait until he turns on you.
Hans: Put down the gun, and give me my detonators.
John McClane: Well, well, well… Hans.
Hans: Put it down now.
John McClane: That was pretty tricky with that accent. You oughta be on fucking TV with that accent. But what do you want with the detonators, Hans? I already used all the explosives. Or did I?
Hans: I’m going to count to three…
John McClane: Yeah, like you did with Takagi?
John McClane: Ooops, no bullets. What do you think, I’m fucking stupid, Hans?
11:30 p.m. – Kill Fritz and Franco in a fire fight.
11:33 p.m. Run on shattered glass (and then take your shirt off and use it wrap up your bleeding foot).
No self-respecting action hero wears a shirt this late in the game.
12: 00 a.m. – Radio Al again.
Ask him what got him off the street. He’ll tell you a sad story about how he accidentally shot a 13-year-old kid. You’ll then tell Powell to let your wife know you’re sorry for not supporting her moving to L.A. for work.
John McClane: My wife heard me say I love you a thousand times, but she never once heard me say sorry.
You’ll find out the Feds are now calling the shots…
12: 30a.m. – Fight Karl and Kill him?
Karl : [holding a gun to McClane’s head, takes his radio] We are both professionals. This is personal.
12: 50 a.m. – Notice the roof is rigged to blow.
12:55 a.m. – Wrap a fire hose around your waist and jump off the exploding roof and swing onto another floor.
“John, what the fuck are you doing?”
1:20 a.m. – Rescue Hostages.
1:30 a.m. – Grab tape.
1: 45 a.m. – Find Holly, Hans, Eddie, and Kristoff (knock Kristoff unconscious quickly).
Surrender your machine gun (Hans has Holly at gunpoint) then laugh to distract them (after Hans ridicules American cinema for the second time!).
1:55 a.m. – Grab concealed pistol tapped behind your back.
1:56 a.m. – Fire two bullets: killing Eddie and wounding Hans.
“Happy trails Hans.”
Unfortunately, this will cause Hans to fall through the window behind him, taking Holly with him.
1:57 a.m. – Unclasp Holly’s wristwatch (given to her by Ellis) and watch Hans fall to his death.
2:00 a.m. – Make out with Holly.
2:45 a.m. – Meet Al outside and hug it out.
Al will shoot Karl (who makes a surprise appearance).
3: 00 a.m. – Get picked up by Argyle (finally).
Argyle: Man, if this is their idea of Christmas, I gotta be here for New Year’s!