10 Things I Hate About- Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice
We all have them. Whether it’s a television show, a song, a book or a film, we all have those guilty pleasures that we’re afraid to tell others about. We’re afraid of their judging eyes, their biting comments and, worst of all, their mean tweets. In public, we scoff at these films. “Of course I hate Drowning Mona,” you say. But when the crowds disperse and there’s nobody around to movie shame you, it’s a different story. You close the blinds, put on your favorite onesie and put on a movie that you love to hate to love. Whether it was maligned by critics, bombed at the box office or enraged social media, this movie is one that you don’t outwardly exclaim you’re a fan of. Secretly, however, it’s one of your favorites. You love it in spite of yourself. You love it despite its many flaws and you love it despite your better judgment. And you hate yourself for it.
Much like Julia Stiles hates the fact that she loves Heath Ledger in ’10 Things I Hate About You,’ your relationship with certain films is just as dysfunctional. Still, you love these movies despite its flaws.
You’re not blind to these flaws, however. You understand why critics pan them. You just don’t care. That’s what this series is about- loving certain movies despite everything there is to hate about them. I am going to focus on 10 things I hate about certain movies, despite my overwhelming love for them as a whole. Maybe you’ll agree with what I say, maybe you won’t. Maybe you even love these movies too. It’s okay. I won’t tell, promise. Just sit back and let me speak for you. I am unafraid of the vitriol coming my way. I love these movies and I am proud to say it. But, there are still some things I hate. With that, here are 10 Things I Hate About Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice.
10) ANOTHER Origin Story
At the beginning of BVS, audiences are “treated” to yet another retelling of the Wayne murders. Chances are, the people watching a movie called Batman V Superman know the backstory of the eponymous character. They know why Batman became Batman. Still, we are given a reminder as we see Thomas and Martha Wayne (played by Maggie and Negan, which was awesome) get shot once more in front of poor Bruce Wayne’s eyes.
Though this was probably the most cinematic retelling of the murders, it was pretty unnecessary. Still though, Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Thomas Wayne? Give us a Flashpoint movie, please.
9) Lex Luthor
Man oh man, was Lex Luthor annoying in this film. We knew he would be. Deep down we knew that Jesse Eisenberg was going to channel his inner-Zuckerberg to play Superman’s greatest foe.
We knew it would be bad; we just didn’t know it would be that bad. Eisenberg played Luthor as a neurotic, socially awkward crackhead with daddy issues. He was nothing like the Lex Luthor fans knew and loved (to hate). He wasn’t scary, he was annoying.
Still, that final shot of him as he was getting his head shaved could have been a glimpse into a more subdued, intense performance. When Eisenberg reappeared in Justice League, he was much more palatable.
8) Batman Kills?
No, he doesn’t. At least, to most readers of the comics he doesn’t. It’s one of his “things.” Batman doesn’t use guns and he doesn’t kill. The fact is, though, Batman on Film has kind of never stopped killing. He killed people in Batman ’89 and Batman Returns. And though he didn’t technically kill anybody in the Dark Knight Trilogy, “he didn’t have to save them,” either.
Yet in BVS, Batman killed, like, a lot of people. This Batman was coldhearted. He was ruthless. He was a murderer and fans hated it. I hated it.
But it wasn’t the first time he killed. And it wouldn’t be the last.
7) Those Weird Dream Sequences
Maybe it was the result of stress, grief, or alcoholism, but Bruce Wayne sure did see a lot of weird sh*t throughout BVS. Whether it was seeing an overgrown bat at his parents’ gravesite, an apocalyptic wasteland due to Darkseid or The Flash popping out of his computer screen, Bruce Wayne clearly needed to take a few days off to rest. Or something.
They were weird, out of place and never really got any closure. One would assume that the pieces would come together in Justice League, but they never really did. Obviously it would have been better to just leave these scenes on the cutting room floor. We think, however, that Zack Snyder had a bigger vision for what he was trying to accomplish. He just never got the chance to see it all come to fruition.
6) Shoeing in the Justice League
We know what Snyder was trying to do. He wanted to build anticipation for the upcoming Justice League movie, and he wanted to do it in a way different than that of the MCU. He wanted to get fans excited about his next movie. The problem, of course, was that fans had already paid to see this movie and didn’t need to sit through a commercial for the next one. BVS would have been just fine if it left the scenes involving Aquaman, The Flash and Cyborg on the cutting room floor. Wonder Woman, who was one of the best parts of the movie, was completely expendable. She didn’t really enhance the story at all, despite the excellent performance of Gal Gadot.
In an ideal world, Batman V Superman wouldn’t have been the dawn of justice. It would have just been Batman fighting Superman. Snyder tried to cram so much into such a small runtime, and the result was a mess.
Still though, it was pretty cool seeing big-screen versions of Wonder Woman, The Flash and Aquaman. Cyborg was whatever.
5) Wait, Why are They Fighting Again?
In the seminal classic, The Dark Knight Returns, Batman was getting out of control and the president called upon Superman to try and talk some sense into him. When that didn’t work, Superman was urged to “use force if necessary.” It was the perfect reason for Batman and Superman to fight.
One has to wonder, then, why Snyder took such an ass backwards reason for their dispute. Bruce Wayne was mad at Superman because people died during Supes’ battle with Zod. He was also mad because he didn’t know what Superman was capable of. Basically, instead of trying to talk to the man like, ya know, a normal person would do, he decided to murder him instead.
As a wise man once told young Bruce, “you always fear what you don’t understand.” Bruce didn’t understand Superman, so he tried to kill him. It’s almost got kind of a racist undertone if you think about it. Did Bruce want a wall built around earth or something?
But still. We got to see Batman and Superman fight on the big screen for the first time. Was there anything cooler? For just a couple moments, we lost track of the plot holes and ridiculous dialogue and were able to just be kids again. That alone was worth the price of admission.
4) Doomsday was Doomed from the Start
We knew going into BVS that Doomsday was going to play a big role. The thing is, though, the film didn’t need him. Doomsday is Superman’s greatest villain, not named Lex Luthor. Did we really need a film that featured two of Superman’s biggest foes AND Batman AND Wonder Woman? It was just too much.
Also, he looked like a big pile of CGI garbage. In a perfect world, Doomsday would have been the main villain in a proper Man of Steel sequel. That way, he could have been the focus and had the respect that he deserved. Instead, we got Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtle for twenty minutes.
We’d be lying if we said we didn’t pump our fists a little bit when Superman took him into space though.
When Superman and Batman first locked horns, I leaned over to a friend I was watching the movie with and said “It’d be funny if they stopped fighting ‘cause their moms had the same name.” Unbeknownst to me at the time, that’s exactly what would happen.
The reason that Batman and Superman were fighting was a dumb one. But the reason they stopped fighting was the most laughable, lazy, cringe-worthy reason in the history of movie showdowns. Batman is about to finish Superman off (cause this Batman kills, remember) until Superman shouted “we have to save Martha.” Shocked that Superman knows another person named Martha, Batman drops his weapon and instantly becomes bff’s with the Man of Steel. Whatevs.
(We have no justification for this one. It was really bad).
2) The “Death” of Superman
One surprise that was kept close to the chest of the Brothers Warner was the supposed “death” of Superman. Nobody saw it coming until about 30 seconds before it actually did. Then everyone was like, “Wait, what?” Yes, in addition to cramming Batman, Wonder Woman, the rest of the Justice League, Lex Luthor AND Doomsday into the film’s runtime, Dawn of Justice also killed off Superman! For one movie at least. It should have been a bigger deal than it was. Audiences should have been wiping their eyes, not rolling them. Indeed, Superman had died. Except the director had just spent the entire movie setting up a Justice League movie, and you’re not going to have a Justice League movie without Superman. So really, it was a huge waste of time.
At least Amy Adams got to act a little bit though when she discovered Superman’s body. She finally had something to do.
1) But Mostly
Mostly I hate the way I don’t hate Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice. Not even close, not even a little bit.
Not even at all.