Cast:
Shia LaBeouf as Sam Witwicky
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley as Carly
Josh Duhamel as Lennox
John Turturro as Simmons
Tyrese Gibson as Epps
Patrick Dempsey as Dylan
Frances McDormand as Mearing
John Malkovich as Bruce Brazos
Kevin Dunn as Ron Witwicky
Julie White as Judy Witwicky
Alan Tudyk as Dutch
Ken Jeong as Jerry Wang
Charles Adler as Starscream (voice) (as Charlie Andler)
Greg Berg as Igor (voice)
Ron Bottitta as Roadbuster / Amp (voice)
George Coe as Que / Wheeljack (voice)
Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime (voice)
John Di Maggio as Leadfoot / Target (voice)
Robert Foxworth as Ratchet (voice)
Jess Harnell as Ironhide (voice)
Tom Kenny as Wheelie (voice)
Leonard Nimoy as Sentinel Prime (voice)
Francesco Quinn as Dino (voice)
James Remar as Sideswipe (voice)
Keith Szarabajka as Laserbeak (voice)
Hugo Weaving as Megatron (voice)
Frank Welker as Shockwave / Soundwave (voice)
Reno Wilson as Brains (voice)
Directed by Michael Bay
Story:
Back in the early â60s, an Autobot ark escaped from Cybertron and crashlanded on the dark side of the moon. Onboard was Sentinel Prime, Optimusâ predecessor, guarding secret technology he couldnât allow the Decepticons to get their hands on. Fifty years later, the presence of the ship has been discovered and the existing Autobots retrieve their former leader only to get caught in a trap set by the Decepticons to invade earth.
(SPOILER WARNING: This review has a couple of minor spoilers that pertain to the plot.)
Analysis:
As someone who genuinely appreciated the first âTransformersâ movie and probably gave its sequel more of a pass than others, itâs sad to say that Michael Bay has learned nothing from the criticism of âRevenge of the Fallen,â proving once again that given the budget, heâll do whatever he wants without giving a damn that people might actually pay to sit through it. Going in with few expectations, âDark of the Moonâ has a lot of potential to improve upon the problems of the last movie but instead gets sucked even deeper into the thoughtless style-over-substance filmmaking that Bay has been accused of often.
After a flashback to the â60s to establish the existence of the Autobot ark on the moonâcomplete with appearances by ersatz Presidents JFK and Nixonâweâre brought back to a few years after the previous movie as Shia LaBeoufâs Sam Witwicky is now looking for a job after saving the world twice. Once again, heâs paired with a girlfriend clearly out of his league, played by British supermodel Rosie Huntington-Whitely, something that becomes even more obvious when Sam meets her boss, played by Patrick Dempsey. The first hour plays somewhere between a music video and a video game. Mostly focusing on updating the audience on the cast with a couple of Transformers moments thrown in between. Only a few of the bits meant to be funny actually work like reintroducing John Turturroâs ex-fed during a Bill OâReilly segment where heâs pimping his new tell-all book.
The general plot revolves around a bunch of âpillarsâ on the ark that can be used to bring Cybertron into earthâs orbit, which the Decepticons plan on activating with little regard for the human life that will be lost. Itâs classic alien invasion fare, but we never really get a good explanation of why Sentinel Prime has switched sides rather than helping the Autobots return home. Apparently, there have been Decepticons hiding on the moon, something that was never established earlier, but obvious plotholes and weak storytelling are both glossed over as the last hour turns into a full-on Decepticon invasion as they reduce Chicago to rubble, led by a single-eyed Decepticon named Shockwave that controls a giant robotic centipede. Megatron, looking even worse for wear than in the previous movie, returns for a final showdown with Optimus Prime that seems shoehorned into an already convoluted plot.
Despite trying to play more grown-up roles in recent years, Shia LaBeouf reverts back to the fast-talking smart-mouthed kid we met in the first movie, and the relationship stuff between Sam and his girlfriend Carly not only is unbelievable but itâs also mostly unbearable, partially because Huntington-Whitely canât act. Just to give you some idea of the way sheâs objectified, Bay introduces her characterâs ass first. For whatever reason, sheâs also included in many of the later action sequences, always looking sexy, never showing a scratch despite being put into all sorts of rigorous situations. Whatever you want to say about Megan Fox, she had the fire in her that made you believe she could be thrown into situations like the one in Cairo without freaking out; you never get that impression with her replacement, whose acting is so bad, she makes Blake Livelyâs recent performance in âGreen Lanternâ seem like Oscar bait.
Itâs fairly obvious that most of the problems lie in the screenplay and the last movieâs bad dialogue from the fast-paced riffing between the humans to the robotâs lines, carries over to this one, this time solely written by Ehren Kruger. Samâs parents are once again what kills the movie as it deteriorates into sub-âAmerican Pieâ sophomoric humor whenever theyâre around. We wonât get into Ken Jeong who weâre already so sick of this summer that you almost feel like cheering when his ridiculous homophobic character is killed. Granted, youâd think that with actors on par with Frances McDormand or John Malkovich, the movie might survive the usual problems suffered by Bayâs movies, but theyâre dragged into the same over-the-top characterizations as anyone else who enters the franchise. This is true in spades for Patrick Dempsey who halfway through the movie reveals heâs working for the Decepticonsâwhat a shocking coincidence!âand immediately starts acting like the typical cartoon bad guy.
If the human actors werenât embarrassing enough, you have all sorts of robots with ridiculous accents and affectations, the villains hissing at our heroes like the type of caricatures weâve come to expect from bad Hollywood blockbusters.
Just when you think youâve been spared from Tyrese Gibsonâs grandstanding, he shows up, leading a crack team of personality-free soldiers, culled right from âBattle: Los Angelesâ no less. Despite all that destruction and death, the military personnel join Sam to help him save his girlfriend from Trump Tower, the last building left standing apparently, rather than focusing on the larger problems at hand. Itâs always disappointing when actresses are used merely as damsels in distress to be saved and forgotten, but itâs even more ridiculous when you have this supermodel running around in stylish clothes and high heels in slow motion along with these hardcore soldiers while the explosions go off around them. Even in the adolescent fantasy world of Michael Bay, itâs hard to swallow this insane scenario.
On top of that, weâre forced to sit through more inane silliness presumably done to sate the kids including two smaller smart-alec robots, Wheelie and Brains, who clown around and try to act cute for comedic effect. They are one of four or five robot characters in the movie who are as annoying as Jar Jar Binks, and maybe one could forgive Bayâs attempt at sating young moviegoers if he didnât fill the movie with all sorts of profanity you wouldnât want your kids under 10 to pick up.
The 3D is well-executed but with so much going on in every frame, it makes it harder to keep pace with what is going on, as robots are changing back and forth between cars and âbots. In fact, not since Tim Burtonâs âAlice in Wonderlandâ has a movie given me such a headache or made me feel so nauseous and thatâs not an experience I would wish for my worst enemy let alone someone asking for a movie recommendation.
Essentially, âDark of the Moonâ has all of the same problems as dogs like â2012â and âBattle: Los Angelesâ in terms of storytelling and writing. The fact that the last hour contains more senseless destruction than âArmageddonâ and more long-winded hero speeches than âPearl Harbor,â proves that like his characters, Bay has become a caricature of himself. Without having enough of a story to fill the ridiculously long two and half hour runtime, Bay overloads the viewerâs brain with lots of crazy spectacle in hopes theyâll forget what an incoherent mess the movie is. The fact that major characters come close to death more than once and you never feel a thing about them possibly dying is also a major problem.
The Bottom Line:
With the three âTransformersâ movies, Michael Bay has essentially created his âStar Warsâ prequels for a new generation, and that is not a compliment. This is entertainment for 12-year-old man-children thatâs even more incoherent and incomprehensible than the previous movie, and the diminishing returns of this worthless franchise makes it obvious itâs past time to put a bullet in its head. Sadly, money talks and the movie will make enough of it that this isnât the end of our agony.
