Orlando Bloom has finally done it. After a sterling streak of piracy, elfishness, and the wonder that was Elizabethtown he’s finally went and done a movie I just couldn’t get in to. I thought the golden boy couldn’t choose a bad script but Haven is a giant mishmash of concepts and storylines that never really add up. The worst part of all is that Haven doesn’t inspire passion either way, it has some interesting moments mixed with a disjointed storyline but it all ends as something highly forgettable. Sorry Bloom. No hard feelings, I’ll still see whatever you choose next.
Haven stands for the tax haven that is the Cayman Islands. There are four (or maybe five, perhaps six) interwoven tales that all revolve the Caymans. I don’t really know how to tackle plot without taking up way too much undeserved time so I’ll just hit the basics. Bill Paxton plays a guy on the run from the federals (due to his use of the tax haven). He’s got a daughter he takes flight with. Bloom plays a kid on the island who falls in love with the daughter of an important island businessman. The businessman also has a son who wants to be a gangster. Let’s see, what else? You know what, that’s good enough; the plot is so convoluted that going into detail would just be silly. Things jump back and forth through time and place but are never so much confusing as pointless.
So the plot doesn’t work. The goal seems to be something like the movie Wild Things, always hanging on suspense, twists and turns but unlike the dirty Wild Things this Haven never really delivers much in the way of suspense or sexuality. Once all the shades are pulled back and the “twist” is revealed it’s kind of like “Oh, okay. Whatever.” It doesn’t affect you in any way because it jumps around so much that it’s hard to get too involved with any of the stories or people.
There is some good in Haven. Certain parts of the story really come off interesting. The Bloom love story in particular has some moments that draw you inÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ and then of course it’s off to something more boring or irrelevant. The Cayman Island cinematography is certainly very pretty which is nice for the few minutes we see of it. If Haven could have put something a little tighter together it might have been a surprise hit. Of course if I had gills I could breathe underwater.
This movie has been left for dead, little marketing dollars and a release date that says “No Mas.” It makes perfect sense because I’m guessing everyone involved saw the same thing I did, a few spots of life on an otherwise lifeless body of work.