I’ve given twice as many A’s as I have F’s in my reviews for the site. I think I can call myself a kind hearted sort of reviewer. I think I’ve even taken it easy on some kiddie flicks like Herbie: Fully Loaded and The Greatest Game Ever Played. I’m not a mean man. In general if the film isn’t a disaster I usually give the benefit of the doubt. You can find my F reviews here, here, here, here and here. Enjoy them. For the record I would have given The Notebook an F if I’d had the chance.
With all this in mind you should know I saw a film that blew my mind with how bad it was. I’d rather watch all of the above films back to back than see this again. I’d rather watch a snuff film. The film Shaggy Dog made me dumber for watching it. This film was so brutally damaging to my psyche that I wished I would have blacked out. You simply can’t imagine and frankly I don’t want you to have to. Please, please for the love of all that’s holy stay far away from this one. I can’t implore you enough; I wouldn’t wish this on anyone short of Satan.
The plot in this vapor thin movie is of a shaggy dog. The dog is considered a dog of “ageless wonder.” The shaggy dog has lived 300 years and is being sought after by an evil biotech looking to unlock the secrets of his genes. Enter Tim Allen as an up and coming prosecutor who is involved with a case where the evil biotech seemingly has been the victim of arson. Robert Downey Jr. plays an executive with the biotech who has an interest in seeing the alleged arsonist thrown behind bars. To add another layer of brilliance to the juicy plot the arsonist is the teacher of Tim Allen’s daughter. She’s clearly on the side of her teacher because Tim Allen is a distant father. There is also a portly son who dreams of being in the play “Grease” even though Timmy Allen wants him to be a great football player like he was. At this point the shaggy dog is under evil biotech control, being harvested by evil scientists for evil fountain of youth genes. Shenanigans happen which bring this all together in a poop soup.
Now, plot firmly in hand we can talk about some of the riveting action in this tribute to poor cinema. During the action part of this film you’ve probably guessed that Tim turns in to a dog. Beforehand he also exhibits dog like qualities. These are so hilarious that the 90 year olds next to me couldn’t get enough. I think a two year old probably dribbled a bit on his bib in sheer ecstasy too. Let me tell you what Tim Allen does while almost becoming a dog. He growls. He pees like a dog. He barks. He chases cats. He catches a Frisbee in his mouth. He fetches against his own will. He responds to the sit command. He can smell better and eats like a dog. Do you see where I’m going with this? He’s a dog-man, or a man-dog, but not a cool werewolf type. No, he’s a man turning into a big shaggy friendly dog. He turns into the dog (which I don’t really think he does, I bet they used the real shaggy dog for those parts) and then back again. Tim Allen the man is going though some heartache because every time he’s turning doglike his family could really use him. His wife is the hot chick from “Sex in the City” in what should be her last movie roll. People who choose films involving a man-dog can’t be long for the entertainment world.
I imagine there was a committee involved with this movie wherein at any point if it became the slightest bit entertaining they would cut the scene and re-shoot it so that it lacked all imagination and humor. This method was extremely effective because there isn’t one funny moment in the entire film. It’s completely devoid of any redeeming quality. At no point is it not the worst movie in the past five years, at no point is it worth watching one minute of.
Who will want to see this? Probably no one who has read this much. Have you run full speed into a wall lately? Do you occasionally lose bowel control? This is for you!