Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant is based on the popular young adult fantasy novels written by Darren Shan, and while I’m not sure how rewarding the books are, the filmed adaptation is an insult to audiences everywhere. In lifeless fashion this film doesn’t attempt to tell a worthwhile story and instead acts as a precursor to a franchise that will never exist due to the first film’s failings. In short, The Vampire’s Assistant is a one hour and 48 minute long commercial for The Vampire’s Assistant: Part II. They better dust off the shelves at the abandoned franchise library as this one is destined to rest alongside other busted franchise starters such as Eragon and The Golden Compass.
In The Vampire’s Assistant, Chris Massoglia stars as Darren, a 16-year-old high schooler with good grades and parents who love him. His best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson) is a bit of a bad boy and when the two sneak out to go to a traveling freak show we eventually lose Darren to the world of the immortals. Turning into a vampire to save his friend, Darren joins said freak show all while the mysterious Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris) is after both he and Steve for reasons we will only find out in the previously mentioned Part II.
Darren becomes the assistant to a vampire played by John C. Reilly who looks about as bored as I felt, and who can blame him? For what it’s worth nothing more happens outside of a CGI blob fight in an abandoned theater, Salma Hayek with a beard and a girl with a monkey tail. It’s an exercise of excess without substance. To say anything ever happens in this film would be to insinuate we’ve never seen someone become a vampire on film before. It’s territory that continues to be tread with hardly a beat skipped as each rendition tweaks the legend ever so slightly in an attempt to become unique. “True Blood” does more in 15 minutes than this film does in 108. I would even prefer to endure Twilight a second time before being bored stiff by this mess again.
Director Paul Weitz has some considerable hits under his belt with the likes of American Pie and About a Boy and even In Good Company — while suffering from the lack of a final payoff — was at least entertaining along the way. This film features good vampires, bad vampires, a wolfman and a snake boy and never once entertains outside of a couple of mild chuckles provided by Ken Watanabe as Mr. Tall.
At all costs avoid this lazy film that hopes to cash in on the current vampire craze without even trying in hopes it will propel itself high enough to warrant a sequel, which will most likely never happen even though it probably holds the meat of the story that should have been told here.
