DVD LIVE BLOG: ‘Hitman’ Unrated!

12:23:38 AM: TITS! Oh man, now this is what we came to see. Tits, tits, tits!

12:23:44 AM: Tits.

12:25:44 AM: Hitman and Olga are going shopping and out for a bite, but wait, it’s not food he’s after, he wants to kill someone. He’s shifty, you gotta keep one eye on him at all times. Dinner’s at 8.

12:26:43 AM: New tip, Belicoff has a double.

12:27:51 AM: Dinner time, and cross-dresser trivia. This is one crazy guy, he even knows Olga doesn’t have underwear on.

12:28:24 AM: Killing time! Will it be “unrated”? I am sure he will whip his cock out, let’s see…

12:30:10 AM: Okay, no cocks, but there is blood as three guys get blasted. Olga grabs the wine and they bolt and now she wants to fuck. Of course, this is how it happened to me just last night at the club.

12:30:19 AM: TITS!!!

12:30:53 AM: Hitman ain’t having this sex shit. He injects Olga with something and she is out. Put dem tits away bitch! I’m the Hitman!

12:31:41 AM: Oh shit, it’s the club of my dreams, techno music, coke, money, and guns everywhere!

12:32:19 AM: One guy is pulling the fake eyelash Clockwork Orange style. He’s a bad ass.

12:34:34 AM: Hitman’s buying guns, no wait. He’s throwing them! Now he’s shooting them! And doing somersaults! He is a gymnast.

12:35:26 AM: Eyelash guy gets deaded by way of grenade.

12:35:54 AM: Belicoff’s gun-running brother is now dead.

12:36:29 AM: Olga is passed out and naked on the bed and Hitman grabs her and performs anal? Am I seeing this correctly?

12:36:34 AM: Nope.

12:37:14 AM: Oh no, don’t tell me, the next morning Olga does Hitman’s tie. How sweet, and now a ride in the country with a penguin sex lesson.

12:38:09 AM: When Olga was a little girl her father raised grapes. That is key to this story, pay attention to the small details.

12:39:34 AM: Meanwhile, back at Interpol, they find a secret key. The black Interpol agent knows the language on the key, he is a smart one, good thing he didn’t die… yet.

12:40:50 AM: Olga is in love with Hitman. Why? There is no telling outside of the fact that she is a $3 whore that will grow attached to anyone who throws her in a trunk and injects her with mysterious drugs. Actually, I think I love Hitman too!

12:41:21 AM: Hitman just revealed his name is 47.

12:41:54 AM: 47 quotes Last of the Mohicans, “I’ll find you.” Uh, Jason Bourne end-of-the-movie style find me?

12:43:23 AM: Wait a sec, now Belicoff is dead and some other dude is posing as him via some facial transplant? Sorry, I almost fell asleep and missed the exact details.

12:44:47 AM: Interpol learned about the death of Belicoff’s brother and head Interpol guy ain’t having any more of this shit. Dougray says he doesn’t understand. Classic stuff.

12:45:25 AM: T-bag is about to get dead.

12:46:44 AM: Oops, not dead yet, just kidnapped and placed inside of a bathtub of water at an undisclosed location. It’s a Jigsaw booby trap, unfortunately no boobies.

12:48:26 AM: Belicoff is going to attend his “brother’s” funeral. The hit is assumed to be on, but everyone thinks it is covered, they have gas canisters on site to knock out those in attendance. I don’t get it either.

12:49:22 AM: Fake Belicoff is behind a glass shield giving the eulogy. Can’t nothing penetrate a glass shield.

12:51:31 AM: Fake Belicoff is shot at but the glass stops three bullets, gas is tossed into the crowd. The public passes out and gas masked agents no fall sleepy.

12:52:08 AM: 47 is on the scene and kills a whole bunch of people and kidnaps fake Belicoff.

12:52:47 AM: Oh man, the secret key is coming into play, they are at a church and Dougray has the key and solved the puzzle.

12:53:41 AM: 47 is being attacked by a guy with a pipe. 47 wins by ripping the guy’s ear off, breaking his arm, smashing his nose and stepping on his head. Was the ear shown in the theatrical version? It was here.

12:54:52 AM: 47 and fake Belicoff are chatting because that is what happens in movies.

12:55:41 AM: Fake Belicoff is dead and an attack helicopter storms in and starts to blow away a historic church. Makes sense.

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