This is one silly-ass mustache. I mean just look at the thing. Jake, my man, the mustache is supposed to be a symbol of manhood, of bad-assery, of toughness in hair form. And what did you do to it? You made it soft. And pensive. And introspective. Your mustache was like a V-8 engine on a purty butterfly. It made no sense and it took over every scene you sported it in. For this it gains admittance into the movie ‘stache Hall of Fame. This mustache dared to be different. And it proved that different sometimes wasn’t so good.
You can’t have a mustache list without Burt. I wanted Tom Selleck in here too – but Mr. Baseball just wasn’t enough of a movie forum to highlight such an epic face follicle master. But back to the Bandit, he drove fast, he outran cops, he hit on pretty ladies. Do I need to even mention that he wore a cowboy hat? His look also changed when he spoke. The mustache remained taut with the smile, but lowered upon Burt delivering his Gospel. That’s range my friends.
Burt took the old mustache ways hostage and set them on their head. He traded in the horse for the Trans-Am and the line dance hookup opportunity for the lycra wearing Ferrari driver. Burt was a trailblazer, boldly setting a new bar for his generation’s mustache acceptance level.
Sam’s wispy yet powerful mustache was all at once a throwback homage and beacon of light for the new millennium. This baby trails off near the lips before regaining strength as it hits the chin area, much like Sam’s story arc in Pulp Fiction. He carried a wallet that said “Bad Muthafucka” and his mustache certainly backed that sentiment up. Critics would say the chinstrap should disqualify him, but I say there’s enough skin gappage between the two elements to make him golden in my book.
The movie wasn’t very good and so Colin’s mustache had to be hella powerful to soar this high in the rankings. And it was. The amazing thing about this ‘stache is that it seems fully natural, but it’s also an update on an old character who didn’t have the fortitude to rock a mustache (I’m looking at you Don Johnson). Colin’s mustache told you everything you needed to know about him as a man. He was crazy, angry, and clearly completely unaware that you could clean up any look with just a few minutes of grooming a day. I don’t usually include the total look into the grading system but Colin’s uber-greasy hair really sets off the mustache too. He wore a suit and yet clearly didn’t bathe. His mustache was angry and brooding. Yep, his facial hair will long be remembered, even if the movie is already forgotten.
