TOP TEN: Best Movie Mustaches

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Casey Affleck in Ocean’s Thirteen

It’s a modern entry, I know, but that’s a GOOD looking mustache. Is he pretending to be Hispanic? Can it possibly be real? And how about the slight little curl at the end – a slight and subtle reverse shout-out to Groucho Marx. Or Gene Shallot. The way he used the mustache ruled in a big way too, he blended it in with his downtrodden brethren and used the power of the ‘stache for benefit of all mankind.

Footnote: George Clooney rocked a nice one in Ocean’s Thirteen too but I had to exclude it for the attitude involved. Casey Affleck was his mustache. It ate him up. There was no Ocean’s or Casey or big brother Ben. There was only him and his furry lip. Clooney? He seemed like a guy wearing a fake mustache, and that’s simply not good enough to warrant inclusion.

Anthony Edwards in Top Gun

It’s hard for me to get past this but Edwards makes it possible through what I like to call “mustache metamorphism.” What am I on about? Well, this guy was in Revenge of the Nerds, a movie so far detached from facial hair that it might as well have been a Nair ad. Then, two years later, Anthony’s playing a fighter pilot with Tom frickin’ Cruise. That, my friends, is making the mustache work for you.

Also, who doesn’t love Goose? Everyone loves Goose. You all have a friend you call Goose, and if you don’t then you should create one after this column. And hey, Goose dies, so in a way he’s a mustache martyr too! Yeah, this mouth bunny is tiny in diameter and girth but it has a lot of heart too. I won’t deny that Top Gun featured another nice effort but Tony gets the nod because he once got into a four G inverted dive at one and a half meters with a MIG-28 (and all in the quest to keep up foreign relations).

Sacha Baron Cohen in Borat

Normally I would exclude Borat because the use of this mustache was purely comedic, it didn’t add to the machismo or sexuality of the man himself. But, as far as funny goes you’ve got to tip your razor to Sacha, he wears this thing out. His mustache frames his goofy smile perfectly and he exemplifies every European stereotype on the board. His mustache says “welcome to my world, it’s a house of horrors, won’t you stay for awhile?” Yes I will Sacha, yes I will.

Sam Elliott in The Big Lebowski

I know what you’re saying. Sam Elliott? Who the hell is that guy? I’ll tell you who he is. He’s one hell of a mustache man!

Let me give you a solid example of why he makes the list – something that your parents may not have kicked down to you. Here’s a knowledge bomb: when the Coen Brothers were shooting Sam’s scenes for The Big Lebowski they loved Sam’s ‘stache for one simple reason. It allowed them to dub his words at any time. Yep, you got it, this man’s facial hair is so lovely and bountiful that you can’t even see his mouth move. Case closed, welcome to the list Sam.

Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind

The Godfather of all mustaches, Clark was doing it back in the 30s, before it was all played out. He set the tone for mustache sensuality when we were all only glimmers in our momma’s momma’s eyes. When he told Scarlett that he didn’t give a flying crap (it may have been a “damn” – I’m not solid with quotes) he set the tone for years of mustache lawlessness. It was Clark’s mustache world for decades, he earned it through sheer fuzzy strength.

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