Box-Office Wrap-Up: May 19 – May 21

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Okay, okay I rated The Da Vinci code way too low because I got burned on MI3. I can’t for the life of me figure out how Hanks opens up $30m higher than Cruise. The answer may be the often overlooked housewife vote, all of whom read the book, and all of whom saw the meltdown on Oprah. As usual I didn’t have any idea what the ladies wanted and I paid a heavy price.

The good news is on slots #3 through #9 I was a paltry $4.1m off combined, so get off my back over there. I’m an Oracle, not a paid seer. I promise if the big bad studio system hires me I’ll work through lunch or something to compensate.

1. The Da Vinci Code $77.0m (My rank:#1, $32.2m Off)
This one really tailed off after a huge Friday. I don’t think it was word of mouth… had to be something else. Perhaps gargoyles.

2. Over the Hedge $37.2m (My rank:#2, $3.3m Off)

A bunch of parentals rounded up the rats of rug and packed the minivan choco-full. Then they ignored their blindspots and nearly ran me off the road. Then, and only then, they headed off to the cinemaplex. They need to take away these people’s right to drive and set fire to the minivan. No justice, no peas.

3. Mission: Impossible III $11.0m (My rank:#3, $1.1m Off)

Why not a Mission: Plausible spoof? It could be about going to the store to grab a big gulp or maybe enjoying a grilled cheese. I’m in the market for a panini maker if anyone has any ideas.

4. Poseidon $9.2m (My rank:#4, $1.1m Off)

Down to a watery grave for you bastard head. Come back when you’ve got something to offer us in the way of intelligent entertainment. Don’t let me catch you touching yourself inappropriately again either or it’s off to the vet for you.

5. RV $5.1m (My rank:#5, $1.3m Off)

It will never go away. We’ve got to learn to live with it, like leprosy.

6. See No Evil $4.3m (My rank:#6, $.1m Off)

It wasn’t a terrible showing for so few theaters. We grade this one on a curve, much the same way we grade Scarlett Jo.

7. Just My Luck $3.3m (My rank:#7, $.3m Off)

Just as I predicted we’ll be waiting for the Lohan blossoming. It will come my people, you have my promise. The only question is will it be art or Cinemax?

8. An American Haunting $1.6m (My rank:#8, $,1m Off)

I bought a 26oz cup today. I don’t really know why other than I won’t have to get up as much to get hydrated. Ideally that will make for even longer, more inane blurbs for this column. You can thank Crate & Barrell for supplying me with the bladder annihilator.

9. United 93 $1.4m (My rank:#9, $.2m Off)

One last comment on this one because it won’t make the top ten again so I guess I owe it something respectful. Nah, what the heck, I’m already tagged for hell, or as I like to call it “Romantic Comedy Fest.”

10. Akeelah and the Bee $1.0m (My rank: Not Ranked)

Welcome back Bee! You made seven figures against all odds. Sadly that money goes back into the Starbucks empire, I believe it’s earmarked for buying the planet Pluto. They will only open a few stores up initially, but if they prosper you can count on more zero atmosphere lattes.

You should download my new book for 42 freaking cents if you know what’s good for you. Click here for details.

Box Office

Weekend: Sep. 27, 2018, Sep. 30, 2018

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