Box-Office Wrap Up: Apr. 28 – Apr. 30

ON

The Oracle got back to his bread and butter this weekend, picking bad movies to do well and having them come through. The natural order of the world has been restored. Let us go in peace.

1. RV $16.4m (My rank:#1, $1.8m Off)
Did it win as big as I thought? No. But it did win, just like the U.S. in WWII. RV dropped a bomb on the competition!

2. United 93 $11.6m (My rank:#3, $3.9m Off)

The number one trageality movie of the weekend! C’mon, marketing folks, get on the ball, I shouldn’t have to make up words for you.

3. Stick It $11.2m (My rank:#7, $5.1m Off)

You’ve got to lick it… before you… whoa, back to the column, no more techno dance grooves for me. I’m pleased to see this one do well, it restores my notion that America may be dumb, but we’re also friendly. Stick It was a pleasant enough film that I don’t resent it for making the dough.

4. Silent Hill $9.3m (My rank:#2, $.4m Off)

Man was I close on this one. I was so close I could taste both the Silent and the Hill. And the ice cream sandwich I am currently enjoying.

5. Scary Movie 4 $7.8m (My rank:#6, $1.0m Off)

You want to talk Scary? No? Oh, then I have nothing to say about this one except it’s a blatant power grab for the el stupido dollars.

6. The Sentinel $7.6m (My rank:#8, $1.9m Off)

This is your last week in the top ten my friend. How’s it been for ya? Getting comfy? HIT THE BRICKS BECAUSE YOU ARE GONE PAL! Coffee is for closers.

7. Ice Age: The Meltdown $7.0m (My rank:#7, $.2m Off)

Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? No, ah, on this here film I’m already on record as a liker, a looker forwarder to the Trequel, and an overall apologist for Blue Sky and what they do. Looking back on that sentence I just set the language back ten years. I can’t imagine what it looks like if people are trying to translate the page (I have a huge Asian readership, sorry about that guys).

8. Akeelah and the Bee $6.2m (My rank:#4, $1.5m Off)

Instead of Akeelah how about Haleeka? Is it so much crazier? Plus, I think that would have gone over much better with an audience that clearly doesn’t want to eat their veggies. Sorry Starbucks, you can sell us ten buck lattes but not cutesy eight buck flicks.

9. The Wild $4.7m (My rank:#10, $.9m Off)

This was much different than “The Wild” (On E!) where they unleashed Tara Reid on an unsuspecting public to drink their booze and rape their men. The islands never saw her coming, total destruction.

10. The Benchwarmers $4.4m (My rank:#9, $.4m Off)

I feel so negative about this one I hate that it is the last thing you’ll read (well except the MySpace link) so I’m going to say something positive. Screw this film in the most positive way possible, have a one night stander with it, but use protection and leave a sweet note about how you aren’t ready for a full time thing. Screw this film but not in anger. Yay positive aura!

I need friends, you click here.