Ladies and Gentleman, in this corner are four contenders for the crown who have no chance at usurping our animated champion. I think we owe it to the barrage of crappiness to give each of them a paragraph of anger. Hey, be thankful guys, this is about five minutes more than the rest of America is going to give you. Hmm, maybe I should be nicer because at least one of these films could have won the weekend if Ice Age 2 weren’t lurking around. Let’s break it down, mafia style.
The first film I’d like to mention is Lucky Number Slevin. I’d say this is the best of the bunch which of course means it has very little chance at doing much. If studios wanted to ensure their movie would finish high they would make sure I hated it. I don’t hate Slevin, I really liked it, and I think you will too, provided you are the type who sees a film without doing a ton of research. There are some nice assassin style killings and Josh Hartnett is super dreamy so your gal won’t get mad at you for taking her. Actually, she should just be grateful you take her at all… you could be trolling the high schools for kids who got out of school early.
Next up is The Benchwarmers. Not screened for critics which I think is awesome. Whenever this happens I laugh because who are they trying to kid? If you can’t put it in front of us you sure as hell don’t want it in front of an audience. I’m also officially afraid for Jon Heder‘s career. I hope he took this role to get some quick cash or because David Spade threatened to kill him. Any other reason is unacceptable.
Phat Girlz – The tragic story of weight loss and discrimination comes to a theater near you this weekend. Well maybe not because it’s only on 1100 screens. Truthfully I know nothing about this one because no one I know or remotely care about would ever see this unless forced via missle launcher.
And the winner is Take The Lead, the number one movie of the weekend. I am not a fan of people learning through dancing because dancing should only be about virtual sex and not about learning. It also looks like this one is about inner city kids figuring out they have something to offer but that ground was already trampled by Dangerous Minds, thank you very much. We keep living most our lives living in a ganster’s paradise.
1. Ice Age 2: The Meltdown $43.6m
You are so strong Ice Age 2, so strong. What are you doing later? Want to get a smoothie or something? Oh, hey, no problem at all, I completely understand, don’t even worry about it. I know you’re busy, you’re the number one movie of the weekend. Yeah, sure, I’ll call you next week. Maybe you’ll be free then. See you later. Whore.
2. Take The Lead $24.4m
This reminds me of that time I was wandering through the Mekong Delta, it was filled to the gills with Charlie, when Sarge told me to take the lead. If I’d of known then that Sarge’s profound words would be used for some namby pamby dance off I’d of just swallowed my own grenade right there and then.
3. The Benchwarmers $16.1m
Warm up my butt you lords of crap.
4. Lucky Number Slevin $11.1m
I got lucky once. In a Burger King bathroom. I had a bigger nose back then.
5. Inside Man $7.5m
Well I guess it would be nice… if I could touch your body, I know not everybody has got a body like you. I’d like to give a shout out to all my fans in the U.K. I too like the Arctic Monkeys friends, so we can build our trust on that.
6. ATL $6.4m
Do you ever wonder what it’s like to be a giraffe? Yeah, you’d have the huge neck but all the food is up high too.
7. Phat Girlz $4.9m
Hey Girlz, Waz up? You’z a like moviez about Phattsies? Oh good grief, I can’t keep this level of comedy up.
8. Failure to Launch $3.4m
The last thing I launched was a skiff on the gentle Puget Sound. It was a very calm scene. Also I was having a threesome.
9. V For Vendetta $3.3m
V for Very sad about the state of movies when V can’t get no big love.
10. Slither $2.3
Slither on out of the top ten after this week my fine feathered friend.
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