Box-Office Wrap-Up: Mar. 17 – Mar. 19

ON

I had the order right except for switching #3 and #4. I was within $2m on seven of ten films. I had ALL the films in the top ten. Essentially I was the Oracle on crack rock this weekend. I do it for you guys out there in internet land, so you know the future even before it happens. Most people of my prediction stature are in the business collecting 12 figure paychecks (if you include the decimals). Not me. I stay outside the lines, in the shadows where the industry guys can’t see me because it’s so dark. That’s where I’m staying too.

I’ll just leave you with one plea and then we’ll review my awesome accuracy. I need friends. Do you freaks not notice the MySpace info at the bottom of this missive? Do you not believe in MySpace because it’s only for ten-year-old girls? Why won’t you snuggle up to The Oracle and make sweet prognosticator love? A true patriot would.

1. V for Vendetta $26.1m (My rank: #1, $8.4m off)
Yeah, yeah, I overrated it but it’s better to overrate the things you love. People who underrate the good movies we affectionately call jerk offs.

2. Failure to Launch $15.8m (My rank: #2, $2.3m off)

Oh they launched all right. They launched right into the silver medal slot. I can’t wait until they launch to DVD so I can fail to watch it.

3. The Shaggy Dog $13.6m (My rank: #4, $3.8m off)

I’m shocked this did so well in its second week. Maybe the people who saw it used their words to tell other people like them about it. I guess we should just be happy these guys are using their words. Way to go idiots of America, unite!

4. She’s the Man $11.0m (My rank: #3, $.5m off)

That’s what you get for opening against a real movie you slobs. That’s what you get. And I want you to like it, and I want you to keep this trash out of the theaters. I don’t care if it’s cute or fun or super duper, I want real movies about real topics that don’t involve a gal playing guy soccer. That’s what I want. If you MUST do a flick about soccer make sure it’s girl on girl and we get Knightley all up in it. You’ve been codified and notified.

5. The Hills Have Eyes $8.0m (My rank: #5, 1.7m off)

Hey hills. Its been a long time since we’ve talked. I know, I know, I’ve been distant. I’m sorry for that… it’s just that I’ve decided something pretty major here and I’ve got to let you know what’s up. I’ve decided to only date things without eyes. Also, I can’t really snuggle up to hills. So, yeah, it’s blind chicks from here on out. I’m sorry hills, I’ll always remember climbing all over you with fond memories.

6. 16 Blocks $4.7m (My rank: #6, $.1m off)

If I’d have told you Mos Def would have two films with the word Block in title that were released the exact same date you’d have asked me why I was talking to you in the first place. But if we worked all that out you’d probably be amazed by the coincidence.

7. Eight Below $4.1m (My rank: #7, $1.2m off)

We’ve asked you nicely to please go the hell away but you’ve thwarted our simple wishes. Now we’re taking back the streets for movies not about dogs. We’ve hit our limit. We sent the call out to Paris and they responded by tipping shit over. Now look, you take this thing out of theaters right now and we’ll forget any of this happened. Otherwise something is damn sure getting burned in hardcore effigy. Believe that.

8. Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion $3.0m (My rank: #8, $.5m off)

See above.

9. The Pink Panther $2.5m (My rank: #9, $.8m off)

If I were a panther I’d be one of the man eating kind. What’s that? There aren’t man eating kinds? Well then, I’d be a trailblazing man eating panther. And if you got in my way I’d eat you too. The Oracle doesn’t have time for exceptions.

10. Aquamarine $2.0m (My rank: #10, .4m off)

What ever happened to Mer-men? I know people don’t want to see dudes with big floppy fish parts but what ever happened to equality? Also, don’t the shells on the breasts chafe something fierce? Itchy nipples are no way to run a country people.

Here is the MySpace info. Feel it, then deal it.

Box Office

Weekend: Sep. 27, 2018, Sep. 30, 2018

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