Predicting Award Winners can be a tricky business. First, the whole thing looks pretty simple. Then the more you look, the more you begin to second-guess. Eventually, the whole thing looks like theoretical physics. But I can’t make excuses. I’m here to pick the winners damnit.
I know what you’re thinking: Who the hell are you? What makes you so qualified to pick winners? Well, eat this: In the past 6 years I have engaged in an Oscar pool (or two) between friends, family and co-workers. I destroy these poor souls. I am a never-before-accomplished 6 out of 7 in these pools (I came in second in 2004 because I didn’t believe the Academy would give Return of the King a win for every nomination it received that year). When I walk into a room on Oscar night, people tremble at my boots. Others stare at me with the sort of jealousy that is only brought by past defeat. I have taken money from my grandmother with the sort of relish you couldn’t imagine. I remember how I fanned out her ten dollars and smacked her clear-across the face with it just so she knew I meant business and that next year she knew I was not one to be trifled with. I let the dollars explode in the air between us as they fell down like rain and told the broad “I’m an evil man, but I don’t take money from old hags.” Yes, I have achieved the sort of status that I can now turn down my spoils. I’ve been living off my Oscar Pool money for years, grinding it out like Joey Knish, waiting, watching like my boy Laremy with those Tristan and Isolde voters (A? Really?). If that ain’t proof-positive, I don’t know what is.
So what’s my secret? It’s all very simple. Now everyone crowd around and listen to what Uncle Dre has to say…You ready? Okay, here’s the secret…
You have to play with stupid people.
Could I really have won the last 6 out of 7 pools without this secret recipe? HELL’S NO. I make sure the deck is stacked before I sit at any table. Integrity or principles doesn’t enter into the equation. Like my boy Mickey Rourke says in Sin City: “This is blood for blood and by the gallons. These are the old days, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days. They’re back!” There are some people that just pick with their heart. These are the people you must search out and destroy. But you must abide by the following steps.
Now, you may have to play your prey differently depending on the individual. If you are trying to trap someone who you know can’t stand anyone else being better at anything, you may want to start boasting how you’re “in this Office Pool” and are going to clean up. If you are trying to snare a family member who complains how “you don’t call or visit enough”, promote the Oscar Pool as something fun you can do as a family, something to bring everyone closer. This will most likely draw in even more suckers. There is nothing better a familial massacre. Just kidding mom and dad! But no, really there isn’t. Anyway, you get the point.
Now, if you’re forced into doing a pool with other movie-buffs you have an extra step…
Your cocoon is just about used up. You can now go out into the world with your Oscar picks. Fly, little butterfly, fly! Now if you want to see the master in action, you can see my picks for the winners here and then do something useful with them here.