Hey Hep cats it’s that time again, Oracle sophistication across the nation. Four films go big this weekend and Syriana gains a ton of theaters. The contenders are all flawed in some crucial way which will contribute to Underworld: Evolution winning the second straight weekend.
Big Momma 2 opens in the most theatres this weekend to a crowd of people going “huh, did this really call for a sequel?” Evidently Big Momma issues were left unresolved, more looking furtively at the female bosom while playing a large black grandma. Who says Hollywood is headed to hell in a hand basket? It’s more like a lady’s purse.
Nanny McPhee is probably the best quality film to open this weekend based on early reviewer buzz (by which I mean their reviews, not that they are drunk). What will doom it is the trailers. It’s being marketed as a flat out kid’s flick even though the buzz again says it’s fun for all ages. Poor Marketing department.. they have one job and they so rarely do it with panache.
Annapolis is another victim of looking ridiculous which is a real shame. Full disclosure: I have a relative who went to The Naval Academy and having been there you can’t help but come away impressed. It looks as though this was done with the full cooperation of The Academy which saddens me because they probably won’t get another shot after this guy bombs.
Matador is the final contender, it has huge critical acclaim but no theaters to compete with on the dollar front. For my part I felt the film was pretty average but everybody is all over Brosnan for stepping out and doing some acting. Whatever man, tell your story while you’re walking.
1. Underworld: Evolution $16.0m
If a werewolf did fight a vampire I’d totally take the wolf. The vampire has fangs, but the werewolf has fangs and claws. Maybe I’m off base here but it seems to me that claws would be the way to victory. If it were Teen Wolf I’d take the vampire.
2. Big Momma 2 $13.0m
Is the joke that he’s in drag? Does he step out and become Martin Lawrence again? The plot looks so intricate I don’t want all the answers right off the bat.. let me explore them like a fine nectar.
3. Nanny McPhee $11.2m
I respect Emma Thompson for taking this role, so much so that I’d like to proclaim her Dame Emma Thompson for the rest of the Oracle’s days.
4. Annapolis $9.6m
You want the truth?? You can’t handle the truth! I’m a superior officer! There will be LOTS of yelling in this one, bet on that.
5. Hoodwinked $6.6m
I’ll tell you who hasn’t been Hoodwinked… aw hell, even I don’t know where I’m going with this one.
6. Brokeback Mountain $6.1m
I’ll tell you what broke the back of this film… a Chinese director. Everyone knows people won’t see films with foreign directors. Xenophobia is our most rampant problem around here.
7. Last Holiday $5.4m
If we took a holiday… took some time to get away… it would be. Well let’s just say it would be SO nice.
8. Glory Road $5.3m
If I were Gene Shallot I’d say this one will be the road less traveled. Oh wait, he’s always hella positive so instead he’d say “Glory Road – They should call it Sorry Road because you’ll be super sorry if you miss this!” It’s funnier if you do the full dweebo voice.
9. Matador $4.4m
I’d like to share a Matador fact with you; the bull attacks the cape at an angle that’s largest. This is why the matador angles the cape towards a charging bull, it goes after the largest profile it can hit (which is also why he’s sideways). It has nothing to do with red. It’s all math people.
10. Syriana $3.4
It’s always weird to have films go out and come back into the top 10. It’s like a relative showing up after you’d dropped them off at the airport. Hey man, sorry, your stay is OVER. Go back to your hometown where you have to buy your own meals and whatnot.
Check out Laremy’s movie book here because it would make you an Urban Achiever.
